Heartwarming Viral Video Presents Motherhood As CIA Torture. Yay Moms.

Have you seen that ADORABLE ad, about how moms are unpaid slaves and what kind of idiot would take a job as one? Here, watch all 14 hours because apparently Ghost Andy Warhol is making greeting card viral videos now. (My mom: “I watched ‘Empire’ in the theater. It was WONDERFUL.” My mom is a liar.)

Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon says almost everything there is to say about how stupid and offensive and sexist this goddamn Dr. Laura virgin mother mommycult is, except she forgets to call it a goddamn Dr. Laura virgin mother mommycult.

She points out that contrary to what our Greeting Card Industry Overlords have taught us, actually, being a mom isn’t the toughest job in the world — she points to defusing IEDs, for one; I would add to that “selling oranges on the freeway offramp” and “working at McDonalds” and “almost all other jobs, except probably blogging.” Really, bloggers do just sit on a couch for 14 hours a day. It’s terribly unhealthy, but it really isn’t hard.

Do go on and read that Salon piece. It’s quite good.

But Williams leaves out a few key points as well. For instance, she neglects to point out that Blondie up there does not seem to know she should brush her hair for a job interview. (Fucking Millennials.)

I’ve been a mom. That boy is grown, and hates me. And guess what? I was in fact allowed to sit down while I was raising him. I was also allowed to sleep somewhere in the last 19 years. Being a mother is not actually akin to stress positions and sleep deprivation. It is not CIA games of Truth or Electric Current.

Also, when they hit about two or three they can fetch you things. When they hit a little older — five? six maybe? — they can mix you a cocktail.

It’s not pure drudgery. You’re allowed to leave your house. (Unless you’re a Duggar.) You’re even allowed to be away from your children upwards of some minutes per day! (Unless you’re a Duggar.) If you’re going to homeschool and all that nonsense, that’s your own damn fault. For the rest of us, there’s plenty of hours per day where we aren’t hanging over the side of the crib, staring at the baby like Shirley McLaine.

Also fuck you for putting up a job ad for which there was no job, even if the blonde chick sure as fuck wouldn’t have gotten it anyway.

BRUSH YOUR HAIR.

Correction: Due to a production error, several paragraphs about martyrs, pedestals, MLB paternity leave, and other things were left out, which means this picture of St. Lucy’s eyeballs makes no sense.

[Salon]

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  • SnarkOff

    It’s a wonder there aren’t more abortionplexes.

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  • mtn_philosoph

    Coming soon to a linky near you:She Thought That Motherhood Would Be Better Than Working In A South African Diamond Mine. She Was In For A Shock

  • JMP

    I think I’ve seen like 5 links to this on facebook over the past two days, all from people with young kids. No, I’m not watching this crap.

  • Dragoon21b

    Blogging comes with it’s own particular stresses and strains…like having to read/watch some of this pop culture nonsense, or Glen Beck, or any other amount of the truly insane product placement driven corporate backed memes that get dumped into the intertubes…Having worked in Mental Health, I understand what being subjected to that on a daily basis can do to the psyche

  • Melinda Piette

    Thank you for this. I am also a mom—and throughout my parenting, I’ve also either worked full time (+++++) or been unemployed, looking for a job (so a job in and of itself). Past the newborn stage (which is a brief, but unique situation), none of this applies. Whenever I’ve been home, I’ve had a remarkable amount of leisure time and just fail to understand all the whining (and my kid’s a colossal pain)For my most recent employer, I spent a great deal of time on mommy blogs, reading all these women whine about no time for cooking a real meal, keeping their house clean, etc. Even though their children were in school or part time child care. And, of course, they had plenty of time to whine online and write fan fiction. But those were their, um, “real jobs”????

  • Annie Towne

    This is the natural after-effect of attachment parenting. And giving birth to twin boys, which really should be against the law. The one mother I’ve known who would agree with the above ad nearly took her own life before those boys reached 9 months old, for reals. The rest of us manage to manage.