Heartwarming Viral Video Presents Motherhood As CIA Torture. Yay Moms.
Have you seen that ADORABLE ad, about how moms are unpaid slaves and what kind of idiot would take a job as one? Here, watch all 14 hours because apparently Ghost Andy Warhol is making greeting card viral videos now. (My mom: “I watched ‘Empire’ in the theater. It was WONDERFUL.” My mom is a liar.)
Mary Elizabeth Williams at Salon says almost everything there is to say about how stupid and offensive and sexist this goddamn Dr. Laura virgin mother mommycult is, except she forgets to call it a goddamn Dr. Laura virgin mother mommycult.
She points out that contrary to what our Greeting Card Industry Overlords have taught us, actually, being a mom isn’t the toughest job in the world — she points to defusing IEDs, for one; I would add to that “selling oranges on the freeway offramp” and “working at McDonalds” and “almost all other jobs, except probably blogging.” Really, bloggers do just sit on a couch for 14 hours a day. It’s terribly unhealthy, but it really isn’t hard.
Do go on and read that Salon piece. It’s quite good.
But Williams leaves out a few key points as well. For instance, she neglects to point out that Blondie up there does not seem to know she should brush her hair for a job interview. (Fucking Millennials.)
I’ve been a mom. That boy is grown, and hates me. And guess what? I was in fact allowed to sit down while I was raising him. I was also allowed to sleep somewhere in the last 19 years. Being a mother is not actually akin to stress positions and sleep deprivation. It is not CIA games of Truth or Electric Current.
Also, when they hit about two or three they can fetch you things. When they hit a little older — five? six maybe? — they can mix you a cocktail.
It’s not pure drudgery. You’re allowed to leave your house. (Unless you’re a Duggar.) You’re even allowed to be away from your children upwards of some minutes per day! (Unless you’re a Duggar.) If you’re going to homeschool and all that nonsense, that’s your own damn fault. For the rest of us, there’s plenty of hours per day where we aren’t hanging over the side of the crib, staring at the baby like Shirley McLaine.
Also fuck you for putting up a job ad for which there was no job, even if the blonde chick sure as fuck wouldn’t have gotten it anyway.
BRUSH YOUR HAIR.
Correction: Due to a production error, several paragraphs about martyrs, pedestals, MLB paternity leave, and other things were left out, which means this picture of St. Lucy’s eyeballs makes no sense.