Happy Birthday Marlo Thomas And Thank You For Emasculating Men Everywhere

Hey everybody! It’s Marlo Thomas’ birthday and she is 76! Time to watch “Free To Be You And Me” and remember that Marlo Thomas LITERALLY CUT OFF THE BALLS of every man born between 1965 and 1985 because of how she taught them to be all genderqueer and play with dolls, and we were only saved from future feminizing because they stopped showing “Free To Be” in school every year at some point in the 1990s, probably because they had to start showing New Kids On The Block videos or something.

Let’s not let Marlo Thomas’ emasculation achievements overshadow her other achieve — oh, wait, one more emasculating thing. Hold on.

Remember how she basically made Rosey Grier into a lady RIGHT THERE? She took him from a pro football-playing Ethel Kennedy-bodyguarding, Sirhan Sirhan-subduing dude into the crying wimp that sang this song and wrote “Rosey Grier’s Needlepoint for Men.”Outrageous!

OK wait. Can we take a minute here? Did anyone know that Rosey Grier bodyguarded Ethel Kennedy and actually helped stop Sirhan Sirhan? WE DID NOT KNOW THIS AND WE LOVE ROSEY GRIER.

We also love Marlo Thomas on the reals, because we are indeed old enough to have seen Free to Be in elementary school for seven years running. No idea if that is what made this particular portion of yr Happy blog staff a homosexxxican, but seems unlikely since lady and no balls to cut off. But “Free To Be” is not the only awesome thing Marlo Thomas did! No it is not! Remember “That Girl?” People, her hair was FUCKING PERFECT all the time in “That Girl.”

Also, too, she is still married to Phil Donahue after 33 years and go look right now at this picture of Phil and Marlo riding a scooter together in 1979 and marvel at how Phil Donahue did not always look like Phil Donahue.

Before we go, let’s leave you with one of the less iconic bits from “Free To Be” where the prissy little girl gets eaten by cannibals because she is bossy and always demands to be first.

EATEN BY CANNIBALS PEOPLE. Kids’ teevee today has nothing on this. Congratulations on being awesome and having a birthday, Marlo Thomas.

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  • Mahousu

    Hey, plenty of girls still want to be eaten first. Nothing wrong with that.

    • this comment is my new everything.

    • heysonysony

      “And, mighty tasty too!”

  • Farb

    It was like a rite of passage. You’d see some kid stooped over, shuffling down the hallway to algebra class and you just new he’d been watching Marlo on TV. It was worse than chemical castration!

  • $73376667
  • Annie Towne

    “Ladies first!” was always my favorite one, probably because way back in the 60s my mother was bringing me up this way, white gloves and all (I did escape, as you can see), though I am too old to have heard it in school. I played the album for kids I babysat for back in the late 70s. In fact, I didn’t even know there was an animated anything to see, so thank you!