You Guys, I Think I Got Negged!

First. First I have to tell you about the train. I am in the middle of a big East Coast Nonsense Tour, and my friend Johnny, whom I may have dated for a hot minute in college 20 years ago, said “come out to Long Island” and I said “can we have a barbecue?” and he said “yes,” and I said “fuk yeh.” He would pick me up from the Long Island Railroad! We would have a weekend of beer and friendship! It would be perfect!

I am not a girl who cries about rape culture. Waaaaah rape culture! The men, they looked at me, and maybe said a thing, on the street! But that train was fucking terrifying, y’all. It was a moveable rape feast, the women all huddled at the back of the car, trying to escape the notice of the band of wilding white men who shouted and whooped and chanted their clever remarks about “cheesecake” the entire hour, their piercing hyena screams as predatory as their phallic bald heads (and police department T-shirts). You guys, it was awful.

So am I having a great time with Johnny? Of fucking course I am. I respect his good citizenship, as evidenced by the time he beat up two guys at a Burger King for throwing French fries on the ground for an employee with Down’s syndrome to sweep up. Johnny does not tell people that story, so let me tell it for him: two guys were throwing French fries on the ground for an employee with Down’s syndrome to sweep up, and Johnny kicked both of their asses.

See? Good citizenship! Had I been there, I would not have so much “helped,” but I would have shouted encouragement! And then I would have bought him the beer of friendship.

So Johnny took me to a party. (Actually, he took me to two, but “What You Will Learn At Someone’s Grandma’s 90th Birthday Party” I think gets its own post, don’t you?) And it was fancy and full of fun nice people, and was basically in West Egg, at Gatsby’s place pretty much.

And I was talking to the people, because it is How I Do, and the girls were all complimenting my fabulous red coat I bought in Chicago and in which I always feel like a movie star, like, pretty much Audrey Hepburn if she was way more awesomer — really, go ahead, look at that fucking jacket — and the men were telling me I was pretty, so I was like “good party, that I very much like!”

And then I did the unthinkably idiotic. Talking to two lawyers, you are not going to believe this, but I actually said words, with my mouth, for almost 40 seconds. It was pretty basic: I live in Los Angeles, I am thinking about moving to the East Coast because I have to get up too early in LA, and I never get to go out and at night and instead I just get high and watch Rhoda.

“You are stunningly beautiful,” said the one guy, the one who this story is about. “But listening to you is making my ears bleed.”

So I am supposed to take away from that that I am stunningly beautiful, right? Yes, that is what I will go with. Except really I went like this:

You Guys, I Think I Got Negged!

And then I went like this:

Screen Shot 2013-09-22 at 2.06.42 PM

And then, in my most mellifluous and least shrill NPR-styley voice, I asked him who the fuck goes around insulting women to their faces (besides Mitt Romney) and oh, was I disturbing him with my incessant fucking interminable (40-second) monologue of fucking gum-flapping, by which I mean “making conversation”? And then he left, and the other lawyer, who was 50 and who offered to give me his house, until his 22-year-old girlfriend showed up to ask if he was “bothering” me, said, “He throws two parties a year that cost a hundred thousand dollars each!” So, clearly a real mensch, because we all know who the awesome people are, and they are the ones who throw big parties and insult you to your angel’s face, amirite ladies of course I am.

So here is my point, besides, WHAT THE FUCK LONG ISLAND. It is fun to have men tell you you are pretty, and offer to give you their house! Yay sexual objectification, not kidding, good times!

But the actual “neg” — the thing the Pick Up Artist teaches sad men to do, when you wrap your compliment (in this case, that I am “stunningly beautiful,” which, knock yourself out dude, it’s adorable, and hilarious, and I’ll believe you as far as I can throw you, but, fun party talk, go for it!) in a fucking to-your-face insult, so the woman, who is clearly A Idiot, will feel like she must now work for your approval — is not going to work on most 40-year-old women, not even the sad dumb ones. Find a 22-year-old — or, better, a 17-year-old — and flash some cash and offer to give her your house and then explain why she is a hideous monster who must shut her ear-bleedy lady’s mouth now and further how she must just nod and smile until it is time for her to blow you.

She might stick around for a solid week or three!

You guys, this place is weird.

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  • memzilla

    This is what happens in enclaves which are predominantly white. Stamford and Boca have the same problem. You’ll find more tolerance in places with more racial diversity. Manhattan, Brooklyn (less the hipster element), Queens, even Hoboken and West New York. (end old white guy rant).

  • Falsepostulate

    I think you have a nice voice. Did he have ear scabies or ear eczema or ear psoriasis that made him bleed, from his ears? Did you ask if he had any other open, bleeding or pustulant sores or if he was Hep or HIV positive? If so, I’m sure he was very impressed by your empathy. Oh, this is Boojum.

    • $73376667

      Did he have ear scabies or ear eczema or ear psoriasis that made him bleed, from his ears?

      Or, you know, a conveniently placed icepick that a Commenting Radical would never suggest doing something violent with?

  • You were clearly in some sort of Bizarro-world Long Island. In my part of Long Island, everyone goes to shul all the time and the burgers suck because they are all kosher and oh god get me out of here.

    • SullivanSt

      Sounds like you are maybe close to me, except that I am not that far of a way from Massapequa, where I am told (wouldn’t know myself, because veggie) an excellent burger can be had at All American. They’ve even been on the teevee box!

      • All American Burger is the place that fired Brad Hamilton in Fast Times at Ridgemont High for yelling at a customer. I’m so there!

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    What an entitled tool. Rebecca and the jacket are lovely. I’m sure he felt like he was better than thou and felt like he could say anything to anyone.

  • $73376667

    my fabulous red coat I bought in Chicago

    But I thought the Jesse Jackson, Jr. auction went on through the 26th…

    • SullivanSt

      Apparently it ended up being called off after someone asked if any of the items had been authenticated.

  • msanthropesmr

    Funny, I find NPR voices to be horrifically shrill. Maybe they are less shrill on the west coast?

    • $73376667

      I don’t know about you, but Lakshmi Singh can read at me all day long.

      • tegrat

        I think he’s referring to Don Gonyea…

  • MrsReardon

    I need to borrow that jacket.

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    his 22-year-old girlfriendWas her name “Viagra”?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    It was snark.

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

  • axonneuron

    meh. Long Island. Whadda ya expect?

  • FlownOver

    Rebecca, we spoke for quite a few minutes recently and it wasn’t my ears the blood was rushing toward.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Mister Squirrels is from The Island, but he got out young, and remains a mensch. Otherwise, I fucking hate that place, even with my thing for islands.

  • tomsveb

    There must be something wrong with my computer, because this post seems to be missing the part where you punched the guy in the dick and are still punching him in the dick while you write this.

  • edith prickly

    Good response. my instinct would have been to go, “nah mang, this is an ear-bleeding voice” then make like Axl Rose right in his ear (I took singing lessons for a couple of years and do a mean Axl impression. Dogs beware!)

  • tegrat

    Oy! I suppose being a schmuck is “de rigueur” in some parts. You shoulda Mickey Finned his artisanal martooni with a handful of the little blue pills. That would rigueur his junk alright!

  • Jenny

    That IS a beast of a jacket!

  • Callyson

    “I have to get up too early in LA, and I never get to go out and at night”Aw, we can’t lose you…can you sleep in shifts?

  • x111e7thst

    There is a time and a place for everything. That was the time and place to punch an asshole in the mouth.

  • lawbelle44

    methinks dey missing the point : “oh, becca beauty your voice is like red velvet!” the guy wasn’t SERIOUS. he was attempting to be, using an obvious (and sadly TAUGHT) ploy to entice her to seek his approval. it only works on children (or the intellectually challenged). being 40+ is AWESOME! i do wish you’d punched his lil weenie, though. but how to find it? the chance of missing it was so great, and who wants to just punch somebody in the thigh. might break a nail for nothing.

  • Yep.

    What did they say to Brittney?

  • merl1

    You do look pretty damn hot in that coat!!

  • James_Roy

    Re: negging, you’ll appreciate this: http://xkcd.com/1027/