Gotham RECAP: Invasion of the Child Snatchers (S1:E2)

 

Gotham logo

FADE IN:

INT. WAYNE MANOR

Young Bruce is holding his hand directly over a lit candle because at age 11 he is already a bigger badass than you’ll ever be. (He also has better hair than you, too.) Alfred walks in and freaks out.

BRUCE:
I want you to punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, you pussy!

ALFRED:
Somebody needs a hug.

It helps… but not enough.

EXT. ALLEY

Some very attractive teenage hipsters are rocking their just-so “messy” hair and their $200 “shabby” pullovers when they get mistaken for homeless kids. Oh, wait, these are actually supposed to be homeless kids? I call bullshit.

gotham 1.2 homeless kid

HOMELESS KID:
Look, it’s Lili Taylor! From Say Anything and High Fidelity!

OTHER HOMELESS KID:
Dude, we’re 16, not 40.

HOMELESS KID:
Okay, from Six Feet Under!

OTHER HOMELESS KID:
Sixteen.

HOMELESS KID:
Sigh, from Hemlock Grove then.

LILI TAYLOR:
Here, kid, have a sammich.

Suddenly, Lili Taylor goes all Golden Compass and starts stabbing the homeless kids with syringes. Her gang also kills a nearby bum for being a witness, but Selina Kyle—future Catwoman—gets away.

INT. POLICE STATION

Dets. Harvey Bullock and Jim Gordon are questioning a homeless kid for the murder of the bum.

BULLOCK:
I don’t care who killed the bum, but I’ll force you to confess anyway because that’s as close as my character comes to layers!!!

HOMELESS KID:
It wasn’t me! It was Lili Taylor!

BULLOCK:
From Almost Human?

HOMELESS KID:
Um, maybe? Did anyone actually watch that?

BULLOCK:
IT WAS AN AWESOME SHOW KARL URBAN IS AMAZING J.J. ABRAMS IS A GOD!

Bullock starts to kick the shit out of the homeless kid, but Gordon stops him.

HOMELESS KID:
Lili Taylor’s gang has been kidnapping homeless kids for weeks! She might as well go and buy a golden monkey!

EXT. INTERSTATE OUTSIDE OF GOTHAM CITY

The Penguin is hitchhiking and finally gets picked up by a couple of frat boys who are immediately and repeatedly such douchebags that the audience won’t mind when the Penguin starts slashing them to death with a broken beer bottle.

gotham 1.2 penguin douchebag

INT. POLICE STATION

Gordon and Bullock are talking with their boss, Capt. Sarah Essen.

GORDON:
…and so homeless kids are disappearing!

BULLOCK:
Who gives a fuck?

CAPTAIN ESSEN:
Bullock makes a good point.

Edward Nygma—forensics expert and future Riddler—enters.

NYGMA:
That kid you were questioning about the bum’s murder did have powerful tranquilizer in his system, consistent with his story that someone was trying to drug and abduct him and the other kids.

BULLOCK:
Who gives a fuck?

CAPTAIN ESSEN:
Another winning argument.

INT. FISH’S NIGHTCLUB

Fish Mahoney—the only non-comic book baddie in the show so Gordon has someone he can actually put an end to—gets a visit from her boss, crime lord Carmine Falcone.

FALCONE:
You don’t really love that guy you make it with now, do you?

FISH:
I’m pretty sure that’s a Superman reference, not Batman.

FALCONE:
Whatever. Kick the shit out of him.

Falcone’s thugs pummel Fish’s boy toy.

FALCONE:
That’s for making noise about taking over for me should something happen.

INT. PENGUIN’S MOM’S HOUSE

Major Crimes Unit Detective Renee Montoya and partner, Mr. Superfluous, are talking to the Penguin’s mother about his disappearance.

gotham 1.2 penguin mom

MONTOYA:
Wow, you’re Carol Kane! That’s fucking awesome!

CAROL KANE:
The spiders want to dance with the teapot, but the undertaker is purpling the manic dishwasher toadstool rutabaga snowmobile.

MONTOYA:
You say your son Oswald is missing? We’ll jump right on that!

EXT. HIGHWAY JUST OUTSIDE OF GOTHAM

The Penguin, driving the douchebags’ truck, pulls up to a farmhouse.

PENGUIN:
I see you’re renting out the shitty RV in your backyard.

FARMER:
Well, you’re wearing an expensive-but-tattered 1920s business suit, smell like the East River, are driving a brand new shiny $60,000 SUV, and need the cheapest, most immediate housing you can find. I don’t see any red flags, so it’s all yours!

SURVIVING DOUCHEBAG FRAT BOY:
(through duct tape)
mmmppgh! mmmffkthh!

FARMER:
What was that?

PENGUIN:
DON’T GO NEAR THE TRUCK!!! I mean, my stomach was rumbling.

gotham 1.2 penguin car

INT. FISH’S NIGHTCLUB

Det. Bullock enters.

BULLOCK:
Heard anything about someone abducting homeless kids by the score?

FISH:
Yes, but who gives a fuck?

BULLOCK:
That’s what I said!

FISH:
Is there a point to this conversation, or did I just need another scene this episode?

gotham 1.2 fish

INT. BARBARA’S LUXURIOUSLY GOTHIC APARTMENT

Gordon is distant and distracted.

GORDON:
No one is taking this child abduction case seriously! If only someone, like maybe the newspaper, knew about it, then maybe someone, such as the newspaper, could stir up some public outrage, but the newspaper doesn’t know, so the newspaper can’t do any newspapering about it!

BARBARA:
(on the phone)
Hello, Gotham Gazette?

INT. POLICE STATION

Captain Essen is furious.

CAPTAIN ESSEN:
The newspaper found out! The mayor is going to make us do our jobs, dammit!

GORDON:
So the newspaper ran a massive and detailed front page story the morning after receiving an anonymous phone tip without even calling the police department to confirm anything first? Wow, journalists in Gotham City are even worse at their jobs than the police!

BULLOCK:
Fortunately, we’ve traced the tranquilizer down to one of three manufacturers here in Gotham City because legitimate pharmaceuticals are often produced in small batches by tiny storefront companies.

INT. TINY STOREFRONT PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY

Lili Taylor and her preppy thug are threatening the pharmaceutical company owner, who appears to be one of only two employees, the other being a janitor.

gotham 1.2 lili

LILI TAYLOR:
The Dollmaker does not tolerate failure! He needs more homeless kids to make his dolls out of!

There’s a bang-bang-bang on the door.

GORDON:
Open up! Police!

PHARMACEUTICAL GUY:
Janitor! Go kill and dispose of all the homeless kids, who Lili Taylor has apparently been bringing here and keeping on premise despite having a massive warehouse for her secret base!

JANITOR:
Yeah, okay, that’s totally in my job description.

There’s a shootout between Lili Taylor and the cops in which no one gets hurt, but eventually Gordon makes it to the backroom where the kids are being held.

JANITOR:
Okay, kids. Everybody into the woodchopper. Single file, please, no shoving.

Gordon kills the janitor.

EXT. PRESS CONFERENCE

Mayor James is making a major announcement.

MAYOR JAMES:
Sure, someone was rounding up homeless kids, most of which were never heard from again, but the real problem is that so many homeless kids are slipping through the cracks in our system.
(actual line)
Let’s face it, that’s the real crime here.

EVERYONE IN THE WORLD:
No, the abduction and murder of countless people, most of whom still haven’t been recovered, is the real crime here.

MAYOR JAMES:
Whatevs. I’m announcing a crackdown on homelessness. The police will round up all homeless children and force them into state-run facilities… STARTING NOW!

This happens in about 15 minutes, tops.

GORDON:
This is just wrong, Mayor!

MAYOR JAMES:
Don’t worry, we’ll let the cute ones be put into foster care instead of shipping them upstate to Nurse Ratched’s Home for Neglect and Abuse.

GORDON:
Don’t you mean “Home for the Neglected and Abused?”

MAYOR JAMES:
No.

gotham 1.2 jim mayor

INT. BUS OF HOMELESS KIDS

For some reason, Selina is one of the homeless kids on the bus headed upstate, despite the “cute ones” getting into foster care being an actual plot point of the episode.

gotham 1.2 cat bus

LILI TAYLOR:
Relax, kids. I’m in charge of this bus.

Selina tries to bolt, but Lili pulls a gun.

INT. POLICE STATION

Motivated by the now-missing state bus filled with 30 homeless children, Bullock is beating the shit out of the pharmaceutical guy, and Gordon is totally okay with this. So is the entire audience.

PHARMACEUTICAL GUY:
Okay! Okay! I did see something! The child snatchers had a van with a blue plate and a fork on it!

GORDON:
Now we’re getting somewhere. The bad guys have a front company with a blue plate and fork for a logo, and probably a warehouse so they have somewhere to store the kids.

BULLOCK:
Uh, having a fake logo on their van doesn’t mean they’ve set up an entire fake company, and the kids were being stored in the pharma—

GORDON:
I’ve got it! The front company is a shipping service with a trident in front of a blue globe, which kinda sorta looks like a plate and fork!

BULLOCK:
Wow, that leap of logic is even more amazing than the fact that the bad guys didn’t think to buy a second van without their company logo on it for when they’re committing their crimes.

INT. SHIPPING COMPANY WAREHOUSE

Selina hides when the bus is being unloaded, carefully and flawlessly slinking under and around the seats as Lili Taylor looks for her. Eventually, Lili gives up and leaves.

GUARD:
AAAAAGGHHHHHHHH!

Holy shit, Selina has literally SCRATCHED HIS EYES OUT OF HIS HEAD. Unfortunately, this leads Lili Taylor right to her… but this is the moment when the entire Gotham SWAT team storms the building!

GORDON:
Dude, a SWAT team! I knew we forgot something! Actually, it’s just me and Bullock.

For some reason the two of them are enough to secure the entire facility and rescue all the kids. Presumably. Actually, we go to commercial and that’s the end of it. Maybe they just rescued Selina for all we know. Hell, they’re not even going to mention all the kids abducted before Gordon got involved, so fuck those kids, I guess. Are they still in the warehouse? Did they already get sent on to the Dollmaker? Guess we’re not supposed to care.

INT. WAYNE MANOR

Det. Gordon visits Bruce and Alfred.

gotham 1.2 jim alfred

ALFRED:
Bruce has been burning himself with candles to see how much pain he can take, because he’s a complete fucking psychopath. I thought maybe you could talk some sense into him.

GORDON:
Me? What do his psychiatrists say?

ALFRED:
The Wayne family is big on self-reliance and doesn’t believe in psychiatrists.

GORDON:
Really? That’s an actual plot point of the show and not just some sarcastic shit HNTP is making up to be funny?

ALFRED:
Yes, really.

GORDON:
I’m calling child services.
(pause)
No, just kidding. Buck up, Bruce. That’s my li’l slugger. Are we done here?

INT. SHITTY RV

The Penguin tries to drum up some cash by ransoming the surviving douchebag frat boy.

PENGUIN:
I want $10,000 in small, unmarked—
(pause)
Okay, $5,000?
(pause)
$20 and a coupon to Denny’s?
(pause)
Okay, I’ll just kill him.

INT. POLICE STATION

Selena demands to see Det. Gordon and finally gets her way after threatening a cop that she’ll claim he “touched” her.

gotham 1.3 jim cat police station

GORDON:
Let’s see, you’re a 13-year-old orphan named Selena—

SELENA:
Call me “Cat.” I demand everyone call me Cat. The audience might not know who Selena is. And I’m not an orphan. My mother’s still alive, I tell you—she’s just believed dead. I’d write that down because I suspect it’ll be a major plotline later.

GORDON:
Fine. What is it you want from me?

SELENA:
I need you to release me from police custody. In exchange, I’ll tell you who killed Bruce Wayne’s parents. I saw the whole thing.

CREDITS.

Previous Episodes:

Season 1

Episode 1: Show Up for the Party 14 Years Too Soon

TV Show: Gotham

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