Apr 18, 2018
Godzilla (1998) (part 6 of 10)
Anyway, back to the Death Star rip off. The helicopters are still chasing Godzilla and firing rounds of ammo, but they can’t hit him, and they continue to hit the buildings around him instead. And I’m sorry, but I really have to point out that none of the streets in Manhattan are even close to being laid out this way. For instance, there’s nowhere in the city where two different skyscrapers come together at a corner to form an L-shape. Not that Emmerich or Devlin seem to know or care about real street layouts, anyway (witness the major street leading directly up to the Empire State Building in Independence Day).
Anyway, the helicopters eventually lose Godzilla [?]. I find this somewhat difficult to believe. They then approach a big hole ripped through a skyscraper. All the choppers hover in front of this hole and fire indiscriminately at it. As a result, a huge fireball rips through the inside of the building, and the pilots stop firing.
One pilot immediately smiles and says, “I think we got him!” He says this, of course, because he wanted to put the jinx on all of his fellow pilots. Sure enough, Godzilla suddenly bursts through the skyscraper directly across the street [?]. Say what? Godzilla bats down one chopper that instantly explodes, then bites down on another. Soon we find Godzilla chasing down the remaining helicopter, trying to chomp it. To make the Death Star rip-off, oops, I mean “homage” complete, the pilot reports that “He’s right on my tail!” and “I don’t think I can shake him!” This is almost as apropos as that Max Headroom homage in Batman and Robin.
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The pilot flies around several corners, then relaxes, thinking he’s lost Godzilla. Oddly enough however, he has not lost Godzilla. Somehow, someway, the copter proceeds to fly directly over Godzilla [!]. Godzilla stretches upward and promptly sinks his teeth into the last remaining helicopter. RIP, Red Five.
The Colonel gets news of this, and the Mayor understandably freaks out because the Army is causing more damage than Godzilla. To try to calm him down, Gene offers him the bag of Hershey’s Kisses. One more shot of this bag and this movie will reach a level of shameless product placement achieved only once by Mac and Me.
Then we cut to Godzilla, who takes a moment to totally dry hump a skyscraper. That’s right, kids! Godzilla just asked that skyscraper to marry him… and she said yes! Then we get a shot that I think was meant to display all the smoke rising up from Manhattan, but with the rain, it’s too murky to really see anything.
Now, for some reason this means Godzilla’s rampage has completely ended for the night. [??] Why? Who knows. And where does Godzilla go in the meantime? The green room at NBC studio 8H? No one ever asks.
Anyway, we find Nick spending the downtime scooping up some of that Godzilla phlegm off the street, and it turns out to be a deep red. Sgt. O’Neal comes along and stutters that “we did nothing to him!” Nick says that isn’t true. “We fed him!” And then a “funny” shot shows the two men standing in the ring of concrete barricades, which is now almost completely devoid of fish.
We cut back to the street outside the New Jersey Command Center, where WIDF anchor Charles Caiman is on camera, reporting that “There is no new information to report!” Well, at least he’s being honest. He explains there’s a complete media blackout, just as Audrey suddenly appears behind him. She’s carrying a red umbrella, and in fact, she’s the only person there who’s not carrying a dark-colored umbrella. This is for symbolic reasons that currently escape me.
Sgt. O’Neal’s jeep shows up at the Command Center and the reporters all pounce on him. Audrey spots Nick coming out of the passenger side of the jeep and follows him in the direction of a drug store.
Inside the drug store, Nick asks the clerk for some home pregnancy tests [!?!], “especially ones that look for gonadotrophic hormones, or clomiphene citrate”. The clerk shows him all the tests they have, and he says he wants to buy all of them. Audrey suddenly pops in and quips that he “must have some harem!”
Nick is stunned to see her, and the two make small talk while pretending to ignore all those unresolved feelings they have from years and years ago. Nick notices the faked press pass around her neck (we see she used Scotch tape [!!] to stick her picture over Caiman’s) and thinks that she’s finally “made it”. Apparently, being a reporter is what Audrey “always wanted”. Outside the store, Audrey asks if he’s still mad at her, because apparently she left him without even saying goodbye. He says he’s still mad, even though we learn that all of this happened eight friggin’ years ago!
At this, Audrey pretends to start walking away, but Nick calls her back and offers to “make you a cup of tea.” We then cut to the inside of Nick’s tent at the Command Center, and find that Audrey is heating tea in a flask over a Bunsen burner. Ah, those crazy scientists! Just don’t ask about the Godzilla Jizz that was just in that beaker a second ago.
Here, we get some boring, supposedly character-building exposition. We learn both of them were once anti-nuclear activists, but now Nick works for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Nick says he can effect more changes working from the inside, and that he’s creating a catalog of all the “new species created as a direct result of nuclear contamination!” This is all fascinating, really. Can we go back to Godzilla destroying stuff now?
Nick says the big mutant lizard is a result of nuclear radiation, and Audrey asks what else he knows about the creature. Nick says, “He’s amphibious, he’s a burrower, and…” He then takes a moment to extract some yellow fluid from a beaker with an eyedropper. He lets two drops land on a home pregnancy test and it immediately turns pink. Nick cries out, “He’s pregnant!” Okay, where did Nick get this idea to test if Godzilla was pregnant in the first place? And how in the hell did he know a normal home pregnancy test would work? And since when did one of these tests work this fast? Is mean, is this a pregnancy test, or litmus paper?
He throws around some technobabble to explain how the home pregnancy test works in this situation, so Audrey asks how Godzilla can get pregnant if there’s only one of him. Nick suggests he reproduces asexually, and Audrey asks, “Where’s the fun in that?” Hey, it’s gotta be more fun than this movie, so don’t knock it.
Nick ignores her and figures out that this is why Godzilla came all the way to New York. “He’s nesting!” He mentions that a lizard can “lay up to twelve eggs at a time” and immediately runs out to report this, conveniently leaving Audrey all alone in his tent.
She starts poking around and finds Nick’s toolbox, and sees the pictures of the two of them pasted inside. This gives her a warm squooshy feeling. Then she spots a video tape labeled “First Sighting — Top Secret”, and would you be surprised if I told you the videotapes were made by Sony? No, I didn’t think you would be.
She plays the tape and sees the footage of Old Japanese Guy getting the lighter in the face and yelling “Gojira! Gojira!” This is immediately followed by footage of the big footprints in Panama. It’s unknown why someone would so sloppily edit all of this footage onto the same tape, but anyway, she totally steals the tape and quickly hurries out of the tent with it.
We then get some time-wasting footage of helicopters searching for Godzilla, and Army guys down in the subway tunnels looking for Godzilla. We see two “comically” nervous soldiers scanning around one tunnel with flashlights, with one guy nervously insisting he “heard… something!” But the other guy points out that the tunnel leads to a dead end. The soldier turns away from the “dead end”, and it suddenly moves, and two lids open, revealing Godzilla’s eye. Because, as we all know, trained soldiers can’t tell the difference between a concrete dead end and scaly reptillian flesh.
We next find Audrey in the WIDF editing van, where she and some other random guy are editing a video segment of herself reporting. Animal comes in and wants to know where she got that footage of Godzilla’s other rampages. Audrey points out what he told her in the diner: “Nice guys finish last.” This stuns Animal speechless for some reason, and Audrey quickly rushes out with the tape.
Audrey flags down some guy who’s currently talking to Caiman. Audrey tells this guy she has exclusive footage of other places Godzilla’s attacked. She says she wants this story to be “Mine!” but, unfortunately, she says all this with Caiman standing just a few feet away, and of course he overhears everything. Smart move, Audrey. Nice guys might finish last, but dumb guys finish even laster.