GOD wants you dead.

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Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson says fat people are sinful and deserve to die. Thus is the judgment of the all-knowing, all-loving Creator Of The Universe who, in His wisdom, has delivered His divine punishment upon them in the form of cardiovascular disease and diabetes.

“Do you think it’s a coincidence,” Robertson asked, “that all of these debilitating — literally that can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?”

Woe be to those who work in coal mines, for clearly the judgment of our Heavenly Father is upon you! The diseases that follow such behavior can only be seen as retribution from the Almighty.

“Either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow [that] conduct, or, it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leaning towards there’s a penalty for it,” says Phil.

And nothing pisses the Big Guy off more than mutations to the SNCA, UCHL1, and LRRK2 genes! You think your high rates of Parkinson Disease is just a coincidence?! You have been judged and found wanting!!

I mean, it’s not like it can just be gay people who get diseases as the result of divine punishment. Either epidemiological statistics are evidence of His Holy Will or they aren’t. Right, Phil?

Just kidding. It’s totally just the gays.

Ol’ Phil got on the radio yesterday with Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins and made it perfectly clear what he thinks of wiener-on-wiener coupling. The queers get what they deserve—death.

Once upon a time, A&E would suspend someone for something like that. Don’t hold your breath this time.

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  • I wish the ducks would get organized & peck that peckerwood to an ironic death.

  • sewaneepat

    I don’t think Phil has read the Bible. Not only did many OT patriarchs have more than one wife, but God ordered the Israelite soldiers to take virgins captive “for yourselves.” To say nothing of the fact that if one brother died and did not have a son, his brother had to marry the widow – no exemption given if the second brother was already married.