Your Giant Emmy Recap Extravaganza Is Here And It Makes No Sense At All

So I was going to liveblog the Emmys but then I realized that would make it hard to wander off in the middle, which is what happens with the lesser awards shows. So, I halfheartedly livetweeted it and made our awesome freelancer SB Kasulke join me virtually to chat about this trainwreck. There is no question that every good line from here on out belongs to SB.

OK first you need to know the major award show hierarchy: Oscars–>Tonys–>VMAs–> Golden Globes–>Emmys–>Grammys. The Emmys are like the awards show land of misfit toys. None of the glitz of the Tonys, none of the drunken debauchery of the VMAs, none of the dignity of the Oscars. Not slutty, not matronly. Not a girl, yet not a woman. Waiting to become…something hopefully better than this some day.

Did I wander off in the middle of this show? Yep, sure did. Did I use up all my good jokes on Twitter? Pretty much. No fashion talk here, as that is its own separate circle of hell from regular award show watching. So let’s talk Emmys, people!

Did you watch? You didn’t watch, right? You watched for a little bit and then cut over to Breaking Bad, because who wouldn’t? Me, that’s who, because I had to write this thing.

So Neil Patrick Harris hosted, and he was lovely except that you just wanted it to be the Tonys all over again and it was not the Tonys. There was an opening bit that had past year hosts and haha they wish they were still hosts but the Emmys are a fickle maiden, or something.

There were some awards, apparently! You are probably not reading this blog for a comprehensive rundown of winners, because you possess the Internet and could look those things up on high-falutin entertainment websites. SPOILER ALERT: Your favorite show/person/whatevs probably did not win all the things you wanted them to. Life is full of dashed hopes.

I had trouble following the entire hoozit because it was clear that whoever the showrunner was for this thing, they wandered off about a week before airdate and people went “welp, we’ll just wing it. No one will notice!” There were intros that turned into montages that turned into an intro to the presenters to the award. Every time I stopped paying attention, which was kinda often, I’d completely lose track.

Much of this was likely due to the fact that the Emmys had decided to sprinkle the “In Memoriam” segments throughout the show. I was toodling along watching Tony Hale win for Veep and thinking about how when his voice cracks your brain can’t help screaming BUSTER BLUTH SO FUNNY and then oh god Jonathan Winters died. There was the awesome part where Bob Newhart won an award but he did not come out to collect it because he’s hanging out backstage and we will see him later? Oh hey that Big Bang guy won and he is funny OH GOD JEAN STAPLETON DIED AND ROB REINER IS TALKING ABOUT SAYING GOODBYE TO HER AND THERE IS THE STILL OF HER AND CAROL O’CONNOR AND NOW EVERYONE IN YOUR HOUSE IS CRYING. No, for real, I was crying, because I loved Jean Stapleton so much and All in the Family was part of my formative TV years but I was laughing like 2 seconds ago and now I’m just feeling jerked around, Emmys.

Bob Newhart is here, yay! But he’s stuck backstage with that really pretty dude from Criminal CSI Order SVU or one of those things, and that dude does not seem like the brightest bulb to have lit up God’s green earth. I feel about him the way Bob Newhart looks:

newhart

Mid-show, we get an inexplicable musical number so inexplicable that the whole bit is that it is inexplicable. Man, do the Emmys wish they were the Tonys too. The entire award show was as if NPH had dumped the Tonys for the Emmys and the Emmys went all psychotic girlfriend and demanded that if you did it for her, why won’t you do it for meeeeeeee?

“But you did a musical number for THEM”
“Yeah, because it’s an awards show for music—”
“YOU’RE SINGING AND DANCING.”

fillion

Yep, that’s Nathan Fillion and Sarah Silverman. Nope, I have no idea why they were in the musical number either, but then again I have no idea why the musical number.

Just when you might have been feeling uplifted by a fun little dance piece, it was time for the Emmys to manipulate your emotions again, this time with Don Cheadle showing up to teach your college Intro to Mass Media course and explain to you that the 1960s made teevee A Thing because Things happened. Would you like some random distressing footage about Kennedy’s assassination? Sure, why not! Would you like Carrie Underwood to show up and sing The Beatles’ “Yesterday” for no apparent reason while backdrops of sad historical events like John Jr. saluting his father’s casket hang in the background? Wait, did a Beatle die? NONE OF THE BEATLES HAVE DIED RECENTLY SO WHAT THE FUCK EMMYS?

underwood

After a really quite nice stretch of 10 minutes or so where we got to see lots of Bob Newhart and Michael J. Fox, both of whom are goddamn living breathing treasures, why not abruptly drag us into some sort of mega-hot-mess choreography piece?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jsN6Qjw6-I

Nothing in the world has ever been more wrong and more confusing than this thing. It’s some songs you know! But in different versions! Now attach those songs to your favorite teevee shows in an unholy hybrid! Here’s that Daft Punk song even your Mom likes, but now with a Kenny G sorta thing. Big Bang Theory should really be merged with some dubstep to form the bangstep we’ve not been waiting for. Bob Newhart’s valuable last moments on Earth are being wasted with an overly literal dance interpretation of Breaking Bad:

Your Giant Emmy Recap Extravaganza Is Here And It Makes No Sense At All

Did I happen to mention this isn’t the Tonys? Did the Tonys steal the Emmys’ lunch or boyfriend or what on earth happened that there is this much swag jacking of the Tonys?

Best variety show award! Wacky Stephen Colbert! Followed by Edie Falco tribute to James Gandolfini, which is so sad that I started crying before she even opened her mouth. THESE TWO THINGS DO NOT GO TOGETHER WELL, EMMYS.

Finally it is time for the full-on In Memoriam but Emmys, I am spent. I’ve got no more to give. You toyed with my emotions for too long tonight.

Thanks for the memories, Emmys. The really confusing totally random memories. I’d say we should never do this again, but we both know I’ll come crawling back next year.

 

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  • Guest

    Wow. Sarah Silverman does not “clean up” well.

  • HabsFan29

    Is this the “bitch about the winners” post? Because I’ve got bitching to do.

    • $73376667

      This is the internet. When is it ever not a “bitch about the winners” post?

      • SullivanSt

        I noticed with amusement that someone in the Us comments for the winners list got downvoted for saying Neil Patrick Harris was funny. Oh, internet, you are so pointlessly vindictive.

        • mtn_philosoph

          “Empowering cowards since 1991.”

  • andreamd

    I didn’t watch- I don’t care who won.

  • DrShitferbrains

    Did I win? Was I nominated? Someone would have told me right?

  • mtn_philosoph

    It was really nice to see Anna Gunn and Breaking Bad win, but when the latter was announced, I so wanted to hear Aaron Paul yell out, “YEAH, bitch!”But WTF Emmys, not even one nomination for Shameless?!?