Galavant: The Hero Dies in the End . . . Maybe (S2 E5 & E6 RECAP))

horse stops

Here’s a general writing tip for those of you out there who may be planning on penning television series, in the near future. You know what you probably shouldn’t do, when you have a show named after your main character, and that show is supposed to run for five weeks?

You probably shouldn’t kill that main character at the end of week three. Just a thought . . .

lost it galavant

On the bright side, now that Galavant has possibly met his very unfortunate and highly untimely demise, maybe I can get out of recapping this series two weeks early!

throat chop

I kid! I kid! This was actually a very good pair of episodes! I’m serious! Lots of fun movie references were to be had by all! And Gareth and Madalena are a surprisingly charming couple for a pair of vicious sociopaths! Also that mind control plot finally ended. And you all know how much I friggin hate mind control plots!

Let’s review, shall we?

Isabella Meets a Naughty Princess With Gross Unshaven Armpits . . . Is No Longer a Stepford Doofus

ass belongs to me

Still Mind Controlled into behaving like a total Stepford Doofus, Princess Isabella Lots-of-Last-Names dutifully throws her own parents in the smelly dungeon (Aren’t all dungeons smelly? Is there such a thing as a not-smelly dungeon?), once they finally pick up on the fact that she’s been acting totally and completely out-of-character for the past two episodes.

Stepford Doofus Isabella then goes to visit Princess Jubilee in the hopes of obtaining a belated RSVP to her upcoming creepy wedding with her eleven-year old first cousin. Princess Jubilee responds by burping in Isabella’s face, shoving her unshaven armpit into her nose, and singing a song about how she’s not your average princess. This shocks Isabella so much (or maybe she’s just bowled over by all the bad smells), that it causes her Mind Control Hat to fall off her head, which un-Stepford Doofuses her.

swap spit with girls and boys

Hooray! Thanks Smelly Hippie Bisexual Princess! You’ve put an end to the hideous mind control plot. Now, armed with a big ole sword, Isabella vows to murder the awful wedding planner who Stepford Doofused her. But instead she just kicks him out of the kingdom, which is kind of lame and anticlimactic, not to mention shows a lack of foresight. She even gives him back his Mind Control Hat, so he can recycle and reuse it. Total Amateur!

The good news, however, is that after Isabella Lots-of-Last-Names retrieves her parents from the dungeon, they decide she no longer has to marry her tiny cousin and give birth to his three-headed incest babies! In return for a wedding annulment, all the little prince asks for is Isabella’s bra, so that he could show it off to his friends. (Did they even have bras during the middle ages?)

Anyway, that sounds pretty fair to me. Though if I were him, I probably would have asked for a pony, or better yet, a unicorn.

Bras are cool, but unicorns are the best!

love unicorns

Sid Tries to Teach Gareth About the Bro Code and Gets a Bit Less Miserable (See what I did there?)

les mis

Sid promptly figures out that Gareth has “caught the feelings” for Madalena, upon noticing that he’s punching a few less people than usual, and has taken a bath. (Medieval baths are obviously super annoying. So you really only do that for people you love.  Like getting your bikini line waxed today.  Am I right, ladies, or am I right?)

Worried for his new sort-of pal’s well being, because Madalena is pretty much the worst human being on the planet, Sid adopts the Bro Code, in advising Gareth not to make a move on the queen.

bro-code-book

Gareth, who never read the Bro Code, because he’s illiterate, and would likely beat up its author, were they ever to meet, wastes no time, before spilling the beans to Madalena about exactly what Sid thinks of her. The good news is that this causes Madalena to admit to Gareth that his feelings for her are contagious, like leprosy.

The bad news is that this makes Madalena want to murder Sid . . . and murder him hard.

annoyed sid

Desperate for allies despite the (very small) price on his head, Sid tries to drum up support from the town’s people of Valencia to start a revolution against Gareth and Madalena. Because it worked so well in Les Miserables, Sid spurs the crowd with a song that sounds pretty much like a direct copy of “Do You Hear the People Sing?”

The only problem is that, at some point in the middle of the song, Sid remembers how (spoiler alert) Les Mis pretty much ends with three-quarters of its main characters dying horrible deaths, and this knowledge leaks directly into the song, causing all Sid’s followers to abandon him by the songs end.

Things get slightly better for Sid, when he finds himself in the Forest of Coincidence, a place that literally provides him with everything he needs to reunite himself with his pal Galavant.

But don’t you worry Galavantians, knowing Sid, he will undoubtedly find a way to majorly screw everything up once again. Speaking of screw ups . . .

King Richard Gets a New Pet (Unfortunately Not a Unicorn), and Everyone Beats the Crap Out of Each other

believe in dragon

Even though cable television was most certainly not invented in the middle ages, you can rest assured that King Richard had a futuristic hookup in his castle where he watched Game of Thrones on HBO. And everyone who watches Game of Thrones knows that without her dragons, Dany is pretty much just a really moody girl with totally kickass hair.

where are my dragons

For this reason, King Richard feels perfectly justified in trading the jewel of Valencia for what he thought was a baby dragon, but was totally a lizard. When Galavant finds out about this, he is furious, and deserts King Richard and Roberta immediately. This makes King Richard mad, but not mad enough to keep him from singing a love song to his new pet dragon / lizard.

pinky swore no backsies

Somewhere off stage that rejected unicorn from two episodes back is crying rainbow tears . . .

uni lover

In the hopes of getting an army to help him save Isabella, Galavant hooks up with a group of folks who call themselves giants, but are actually all precisely the average male height, which must have been a prerequisite of the casting call.

Naturally, this causes King Richard to hook up with the enemies of the giants, who refer to themselves as dwarves, even though, they too happen to be precisely average male height (also because of casting).

The two groups sing a West Side Story type song before they fight each other (complete with finger snapping). But ultimately they stop fighting, because they can’t tell which group is which, and keep accidentally beating up members of their own gang. King Richard and Galavant ultimately reconcile as well, and head off with Roberta in search of the supposedly still kidnapped Isabella.

Madalena Gives Gareth The Birthday Gift That Keeps On Giving (And I’m Not Talking About Chlamydia)

gar and mad

The trick to being a good couple is accepting each other weirdness and embracing it.

Say what you will about Madalena and Gareth, but, at least in the context of this episode, they actually seem kind of perfect for one another! When Madalena throws Gareth a birthday surprise party and he hates it, because he’d much rather get a new scar for his birthday, Madalena doesn’t get upset or discouraged.   Rather, she takes her new beau to a dive bar to pick a fight and get the crap beat out of him. Now, that’s true love!

smiling mad

Unfortunately for Madalena and Gareth, the latter’s reputation proceeds him, and no one is willing to fight the poor guy. So, Madalena gets Gareth the next best thing for his birthday: the idea for an unprovoked war with Isabella’s kingdom, brought to her courtesy of that creepy wedding planner with the Mind Control Hat.

Galvant Makes Amends With His Dad . . . Plays Catch with a Cabbage, And Gets Murdered by an Old Pal

On the road to save Isabella, Galavant, Richard and Roberta get so hungry, they are forced to eat a family of hobbits (which, in case you were wondering, taste just like chicken . . . except for Frodo, who tastes more like turkey).

what is this

Then, they come upon Galavant’s dad’s house, which Galavant really doesn’t want to visit.

As it turns out, Galavant had a bad dad, one who was too busy being a knight, and porking the ladies to throw a cabbage around with Little Gal.

Reluctantly, Galavant eventually goes to see his father, who apparently, has turned Gal’s childhood home into a safe house / orphanage for the entire cast of the musical Oliver. Galavant is super hurt that his dad is such a good father to an entire army of children, but couldn’t be bothered to be one to his own. But then Gal’s dad shows him some pictures he painted of Galavant growing up, and offers to play “Catch the Cabbage” with him (don’t worry, that is not a euphemism for sex), and all is forgiven.

father and husband

In the final moments of the episode, Sid reunites with Galavant, Richard and Roberta and everyone is thrilled . . . at least until Sid accidentally throws a big ole sword into Galavant’s heart . . . killing him . . . maybe?

ive had worse

john snow dies

So, what say you Galavantians? Is Galavant dead? Can Madalena and Gareth make it as a real sociopathic couple? Will King Richard’s lizard ever turn into one of the dragons from Game of Thrones? Will King Richard’s unicorn ever mend her broken heart?

the uni

Tune in next week to find out. Unless, of course, Galavant is actually dead, in which case, this show is totally dunzo . . .

TV Show: Galavant

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