Galavant: All’s Well That Ends in Hell (Recap: Season 2 Finale)
We go together, like ram-a-lam-a-lam-a da-dingity-ding shoo wop . . . oh crap! Wrong Sunday Night Musical Extravaganza! Sorry about that.
I bet you didn’t know it, if you were watching Grease: Live on Fox tonight instead (and wondering if ALL high school kids from the 50’s really did look like 30 somethings with bad wigs), but everybody’s favorite five-week long mid-season replacement for Once Upon a Time bid a fond farewell to its second season tonight. And man was the hour jam-packed! We’re talking a multi-kingdom battle featuring the entire ensemble cast, remote-control zombies, and a bunch of guys Sid picked up at the local gay bar!
Also there was a wedding, a murder, a dragon eating a sheep, and a trip to the Underworld for fashion advice. Basically, it was like an entire season of Game of Thrones in a single hour . . . except with singing, and cheaper special effects, and WAY more cheese . . . like an entire grocery store aisle filled with cheese.
For the last time (maybe ever?), let’s review shall we?
We pick up this week, moments after the last episode ended with Isabella’s army of guys in funny looking hats, carrying toy swords, facing off against Gareth and Madalena’s much bigger army of folks who actually know what they are doing. To get an idea of what it looked like, imagine the NY Giants facing off in the Super Bowl against a troop of eight-year old Girl Scouts, armed with nothing but boxes of Shortbread Cookies (when everyone knows the Thin Mint ones are the best).
The Jester stands between the two armies, and sings a song recapping the events of the previous week, which I guess is what passes for the National Anthem in Medieval Wars.
Shortly thereafter, Galavant and Richard arrive with their army of Romantic Walmart People Zombies to help Isabella’s Girl Scout Army.
Now, this party can really get started! But first, let’s check in with our fifth favorite pair of lovebirds on the show, Chef and Gwynne, who have the misfortune of having built their home literally right smack dab in the middle of a war zone. Don’t you just hate when that happens? After congratulating one another on surviving to the ripe old age of 25, the pair descend to their basement and calmly await their imminent demise.
Can I just put out there, that these two are kind of awesome? Like so awesome that they may just deserve their own spinoff series. It could be called Downton Abbey . . . and Zombies.
But back to the war, everyone is just pretty much beating the crap out of each other. And, in the middle of it all, Isabella and Galavant, as well as King Richard and Gareth, take the time to have heartfelt reunions. Like all heartfelt reunions, these two begin with Isabella and King Richard punching Galavant and Gareth, respectively, repeatedly in the face, because abusive relationships are the best!
Isabella, for her part, forgives Galavant, pretty soon after he tells her that he doesn’t want her to die in a big brown fart. After all, eligible men of a certain age were pretty slim pickens, back in the Middle Ages . . . and eligible men of a certain age who DIDN’T want you to die in a big brown fart were practically one of a kind! The pair suck face right in the middle of the battle field, and their second kiss ends up being just as crappy as their first one. But, in Galavant’s defense, he had only very recently been awakened from the dead, and that’s gotta give you the worst case of morning breath ever!
King Richard promptly forgives Gareth for stealing a kingdom out from under him too, because, by this point, there are less than 35 minutes left in the series, and we really need to push if we are going to get everyone a happy ending in time.
Meanwhile, observing from the safety of her skybox with the Evil Wedding Planner, Queen Madalena’s eyes keep glowing red, supposedly because she’s filled with evil D’Dew-Doo. But I think she’s just hungover from too much Pinot, and it’s nothing that a few drops of Visine can’t cure.
Queen Madalena and the Evil Wedding Planner then sing a duet about doing the D’Dew-Doo that would be a great jingle for a Metamucil commercial, or maybe that “makes you poo” yogurt that Jamie Lee Curtis is always selling. Then, they point a wand at Galavant’s Romantic Walmart People Zombies, which instantly gives them all the same red eyes that Madalena is currently sporting. (Because, apparently, in the Middle Ages, modern medicine didn’t exist, so hangovers were contagious.)
Once the Romantic Walmart People Zombies are all sporting hangover eyes, Madalena and the Evil Wedding Planner can use their wand to control them, like remote control cars! This is seriously bad news for Isabella’s Girl Scout army . . . but also for Madalena and Gareth’s own army, because everyone knows that remote control cars never really go exactly where you want them to go anyway . . .
So, now, pretty much everyone is going to die, and the screen fades to black, because the first episode is over, and also because, even ten years after the fact, The Sopranos jokes never get old . . .
Two Weddings, a Funeral and a D’Dew-neral!
Faced with his own mortality, King Richard sings a song with his younger self about how he’s never going to be a very good king, and won’t get to touch a boobie until he’s somewhere in his mid 40’s. Way to make kid you suicidal, and thereby possibly erase your present self from existence, King Richard. Clearly, this guy has never watched the Back to the Future trilogy . . .
Madalena finds Gareth and offers to save him from the Malfunctioning Remote Control Romantic Walmart People Zombies with Massive Hangovers because, even though she’s filled completely with D’Dew-Doo and has red hangover eyes, she still loooooooooooooves him. But Gareth would much rather die with all his friends, because, let’s face it, he’s not that bright.
So, Madalena magics open the gate Galavant and Co. were using as a barricade against the zombies. She then heads off to have her second cat fight of the season with Isabella . . . who I guess got a free pass from being eaten by the Remote Control Romantic Walmart People Zombies, because the American viewing public loves cat fights . . . possibly because it makes them think of sexy lesbians having angry hate sex with one another.
King Richard also got a free pass from being eaten by Remote Control Walmart People Zombies, so he could fight the Evil Wedding Planner. Don’t ask me how or why this happened, because I have no idea.
Meanwhile, help is on the way for non-free-pass-from-Remote-Control-Zombie-Mauling-cast members in the form of Sid and his army of studly gay men from The Enchanted Forest. These studly gay men from The Enchanted Forest are better fighters than the Girl Scouts, but possibly not as good at fighting as the Remote Control Walmart People Zombies.
Fortunately, though, the cast won’t have to deal with the Remote Control Walmart People Zombies much longer, because they all fall to the ground after King Richard uses his fancy schmancy Not-Quite-Excalibur sword to murder the Evil Wedding Planner, after he insulted, and sort-of-but-not-really-killed Tad Cooper the Dragon that Looks Like a Lizard . . .
The Kingdoms are Saved. Huzzah! But we better hurry, up, because there’s only five minutes left in the entire series, and like NO ONE has their happy endings yet . . .
Quick, Everybody Get Happy!
With a recently revived Tad Cooper in hand, King Richard actually gets a speeding ticket for riding his horse way too fast to the boat headed for the Isle of Spinster. (Apparently, all passengers headed to the Isle of Spinster get a free chocolate and a pet cat, which makes it way better than any cruise I’ve ever been on.) King Richard declares his love for Roberta . . . again, and stops her from getting on the boat to Spinsterland. Hopefully, she at least got to keep the cat and chocolate though, because, if not, that would suck . . .
Then, presumably, King Richard and Roberta got married, but there wasn’t enough time left in the episode for us to see it, so we hurried right along to Galavant’s and Isabella’s wedding. Officiating our hero’s and heroine’s wedding is Weird Al Yankovic and his band of Jazz Hand Monks, because Weird Al Yankovic hasn’t put out an album in about ten years, and could really use the extra cash. (For the right price, Weird Al will also DJ your bar mitzvah and be the chew toy at your dog’s birthday party.)
At the wedding, Isabella learns that Galavant’s first name is Gary, which would have been a terrible name for this show.
Thank goodness for cool last names. Also, the pair share their first, not completely craptastic kiss. Hooray!
Having decided that they are both of tired of being heroes, the very attractive couple retire to an island paradise somewhere, where they can hopefully pop out a few puppies, before probably dying of the Black Plague at the ripe old age of 28.
Isabella’s parents regain control of the kingdom of Valencia or Hortencia, whichever one they were king and queen of before, because I still can’t tell them apart. King Richard and Roberta get to lead whichever kingdom Isabella’s parents aren’t leading, along with Tad Cooper, who apparently, is a real dragon now, who breathes fire, eats sheep and everything . . . except you can’t see his dragon face, because this show doesn’t have a Game of Thrones budget. If you did get to see his face, I imagine it would look like this . . .
As for Gareth and Madalena, after the war, Gareth offers to take his red eyed wife back, and live crappily ever after. Unfortunately, Madalena is too filled with D’Dew-Doo to go back to her normal life. (Constipation is the worst, am I right guys?)
So, instead, Madalena goes to Hell (which looks suspiciously like Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry), so that she could learn how to better control her D’Dew-Doo, and, maybe one day, cause all of her enemies to die in a big brown fart.
Gareth won’t give up on his super skinny lover though, and invites Sid on a quest to Hell to save her from herself.
And that was Season 2 of Galavant in a nutshell. Normally, at this point in the recap, I pose questions to the reader to ponder in anticipation of future episodes. But since there probably won’t be any future episodes, I only have one question: WHERE THE F*CK WAS MY UNICORN?