‘Full House’ Child Star Candace Cameron Bure Gets Kinky And Submissive, For Jesus

'Full House' Child Star Candace Cameron Bure Gets Kinky And Submissive, For Jesus

What’s the deal with former child stars? Don’t get us wrong, we know being a child star is a fucked-up life, but is the best way to solve it turning into a depressingly fervent Bible banger like Kirk Cameron or, apparently, his little sister Candace Cameron Bure, she of DJ Tanner in “Full House” fame? Yes, little DJ is all grown up and loves her some Jesus and defers to her man.

First you are totally stuck hearing about how she found Jesus because if we have to read it, you have to read it.

It wasn’t until I read the book Left Behind that I started rethinking my Christian life. […]

After reading a book my brother gave to me, now called The Way of the Master it changed my walk with God forever! It talked about the 10 commandments, and showed me my sin in it’s true light. […] As I went through every commandment, I saw that I’d broken all of them. Then I learned that God was going to judge me by this standard, not the world’s standard. So, while I thought I was a good person compared to other people, I saw that I was a horribly bad person by God’s standard. It was then that I truly recognized and understood my sin and what Jesus did for me. I broke the Law, and Jesus paid my fine.

You know, we spend a lot of time reading evangelical dreck so we can mock it, but we have to admit we haven’t yet come across the trope of Jesus as the dude that pays for your speeding ticket. What CAN’T Jesus do?

It looks like if Jesus picks up your tab, the price is that you have to do the whole submit-to-your-husband thing. And not in the fun way!

Because some people — including Bure herself!! — have pointed out that this stance is something people disagree about, People magazine called it “controversial” and NewsBusters is mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore.

The headline on the Patrick Gomez article was “Faith, Family, and Full House: The former child star opens up about her controversial beliefs – and how they guide her life as a traditional wife and mother.” Gomez highlighted how Bure believes in “wifely submission” and drew feminist criticism: […]

“Bure says she meant that while her voice is respected, it makes sense to have one spouse call the shots. And in her marriage, that’s Val, 40, a former hockey player who now runs Bure Family Wines, a small vineyard.”

“We split responsibilities as evenly as possible,” she says. But it’s her husband who is the “leader” of the family. And she’s not apologizing for the arrangement: “Not everybody is going to like me or agree with my point of view,” Bure says. “But that’s okay.”

So basically People magazine acknowledged that some people find Bure’s views controversial and that means argle bargle they hate Christians forever and will oppress them forever. Got it. Perhaps if Jesus paid People off, they’d be more nicer.

What, you ask, is Bure doing now? Why, she’s on this season’s Dancing With The Stars, which has become sort of a refuge for Christian ladies who want to show off while pretending that they’re being modest. Looking at you, Bristol Palin.

Would you like to see Candace Cameron Bure dance modestly? Of course you would!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANKgdUgBq68

Dunno. Looks like the Devil’s work to us. Candace, you better call up Jesus and get him to front you some money for all your sins, dancing and otherwise.

[HuffPo/Candace Cameron Bure/US Weekly/NewsBusters]

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  • jkn

    “As I went through every commandment, I saw that I’d broken all of them.”Who’d she kill?

    • Crowie

      Maybe she drowned puppies in her spare time. Full House would probably drive me to that.

      • D G

        No, no, pets have no souls, doesn’t count, she had to have drowned a person.

    • Sephia8

      I don’t know, but I once (as a child) sat through a sermon admonishing ANYONE who has ever killed an insect. Because . . . they have lives and are precious like humans!WTF?! No they are not! I’m going to kill the ants and smack the mosquitoes!

  • Ambignostic

    I know a guy who was a child actor, and he dealt with it pretty well: as soon as he turned 18, he jumped on his motorcycle, got the hell out of California. and moved to the mountains of Montana. Blew up the TV, threw away the papers, ate a lot of peaches, all that.

  • Rick Hill

    So, Jeebus must be okey dokey with making wine for people to get their buzz going.

    • Respiteini

      What’s he going to say – “Shoulda used water instead of grapes”?

    • unclejeems

      Nah, mang, it’s OK. Dude turned water into wine, so he’s cool with it. (Although I have to say, my childhood Southern Baptist mentors swore that the translation of the word for “wine” from the original Hebrew or Aramaic or whatever was “grape juice.” No, I kid you not.”

      • Rick Hill

        I’ve heard it say it was new wine, which means unfermented, like you say. I could by that considering how often the church would teach getting drunk was a sin.

        • One explanation I read from a Christian laywoman in the 1920s was that when the Bible talks favorably about wine, it was talking about grape juice, when it talked unfavorably about wine, it was talking about the real thing.

  • JParkerSD46

    Wow! She read all 10 commandments and said she’s broken them all??? Murder, adultery, coveting her neighbors wife??? Poor Jesus. He must be working overtime to pay those fines.

  • Some former child stars do manage to maintain a grip on reality.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leCWArBLghA

  • jjdaddyo

    Is she twerking for Jeebus?When do we see her in a dance-off with Jodie Sweetin?

  • ShiftyParadigm

    In the mean time, has anyone noticed how hot Kimmy Gibbler is these days? With her MA is Women’s Studies and all…http://fullhouse.wikia.com/wiki/Andrea_Barber

  • ryp

    “As I went through every commandment, I saw that I’d broken all of them.”So who did she kill?

    • ryp

      Ah, beaten to it.

    • D G

      What about the other gods she held before God? Or adultery? Or coveting her neighbor’s wife??? This is getting hot! Way to go Candace!!

    • MRC210

      She may want to be careful about announcing publicly that she committed adultery as well. Her brother-in-law Pavel Bure has close ties with the Russian mafia and those guys can be vicious. But the murder thing I can totally see. If your BIL is tight with the mafia and you would like someone to ..uh … disappear? No problem, gaspazhá.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Um, Ms. Bure, Christians are judged by the whole “as you did to the least of these, my brothers, you did it to me” thing and not the ten commandments. I know! So NOT convenient!

  • le_renard_de_velours

    Her dance partner is doing a pretty poor job as being a racist-stereotype crab.

  • Force Crater

    At 12? I know at 12 I was certainly mature and centered enough to determine the exact shape of the universe and my place in it. (Unfortunately, I was unable to marry someone with gobs of cash so I could sit on my backside and let them make decisions for me.)

  • doingthis1moretime

    See now back in the day all my “Christian” friends said The Little Mermaid was from the Devil. I’m serious. 1 friend wouldn’t let her kids watch it because it promotes witchcraft. They couldn’t watch or read Harry Potter and all kinds of stuff. Her kids are 17, 19 & 22 the 17 year old is a in a bi-racial lesbian relationship with a 30 year old woman (the only part I object to is the 30 year old) the 19 year old is has an 18 month old, and lives in a crack house and is a satanist. The 22 is shacking up with his 21 year old girl friend in a trailer park in NE Missouri living the dream working at a gas station while she does nothing. So that whole forced religion worked great for her family. Oh and she’s on her 3rd husband, and the father is on his 2nd wife.

  • KenHoughton

    Wonkette (2014): “we haven’t yet come across the trope of Jesus as the dude that pays for your speeding ticket.” Mick Jagger (1978): “The preacher said you always have the Lord on your side. And I was so happy to hear that I ran 20 red lights in his honor.”

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      • EriktheRed

        Did a girl with far-away eyes feed you that line?

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  • gingerland62

    ” As I went through every commandment, I saw that I’d broken all of them.”Who did she kill?

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    • NWLefty

      Argle-bargle.

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  • DeSwiss
  • NWLefty

    So who did Candace kill?

  • MJ

    In this quote above, you gave us, this woman says, “I realized I’d broken ALL of “H”is commandments.” Ummm…let’s hope not. Is this a confession to MURDER? Does she carve things regularly? She bear(ed) false witness (Where—on the stand in court?)?She’s a pretty dangerous nutbag. If nothing else, even if she did kill people, she shouldn’t admit it to TMZ or on “Dancing With the Stars.” She should turn herself into the police.Some Biblical Specifics for your readers:Commandment 2: “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above…” Commandment 6: “You shall not murder.” Commandment 9: “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”

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