• Movies / Text / She Literally Invented The Term Writer's Blockade

Fran Lebowitz Is Too Busy Being Awesome And Has No Time To Write You A Book

There are few things I long for more than for Fran Lebowitz to actually finish the book she has supposedly been writing since before some of you were born. She is an impressive 29 YEARS LATE in getting it to her publisher. Apparently when you are the classic urbane sophisticate, you can get away with a lot of shit.

As a child in the decidedly not cosmopolitan exurbs of Minneapolis, I imagined her lounging about her apartment all day, cigarette in hand, jotting witty bon mots down when they occurred to her, which was pretty much always.

Turns out she pretty much looked exactly that cool, though I don’t ever recall seeing her apartment.

Fran Lebowitz Is Too Busy Being Awesome And Has No Time To Write You A Book

And the books! The books were the bestest books ever. The number of times you have read both Metropolitan Life and Social Studies (now handily collected for you in one volume, The Fran Lebowitz Reader), should exceed ten. YES I SAID TEN. It is almost impossible for me to even figure out what my favorite parts are to quote at you but I think that her publisher likely frowns on me cutting and pasting the entire book here.

Fran Lebowitz on manners:

All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive—you are leaking.

I get moderately paid to be funny on the internet and I will never, ever write anything that funny. Neither will you unless your name is Fran Lebowitz and you decide to finally finish your fucking book.

Fran Lebowitz on children. Pro:

Children do not sit next to one in restaurants and discuss their preposterous hopes for the future in loud tones of voice.

And con:

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. One can only assume that this has something to do with not smoking enough.

Fran Lebowitz taught me everything I need to know about why most conversations suck:

Looking genuinely attentive is like sawing a girl in half and then putting her back together. It is seldom achieved without the use of mirrors.

The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Listen, people. She once called a person “audibly tan.” Do you know how many times I have stolen that phrase? Somewhere north of infinity.

While Fran Lebowitz is busy wrecking my life by not finishing her book, she is also enhancing it by having talked herself into a recurring part as a judge on Law and Order. You should really read the whole Vulture interview, but the short version is that she bullied her way on set, did a terrible job auditioning for the trial judge part, and happily settled for the arraignment judge part because she need never stand up or go to her chambers. I submit to you that there is nothing simultaneously as lazy and awesome as that.

She also made a film, Public Speaking, about herself and her general irascible wonderfulness that was directed by Martin Scorsese. She probably did this to avoid writing her book and to break my goddamn heart into a million pieces by failing to do so.

Really, her main job by now is simply to show up at Things, and having her show up at your Thing probably makes it worlds better and certainly more handsome:

Glamour Magazine Honors the 2007 "Women of the Year Awards" - Arrivals

I would like Fran Lebowitz to show up where I am sometime, but that would only be a fleeting joy. The real prize would be for her to finish her book because we’re getting to the point where she might die or I might die, and I don’t want to exit this world having not read another Lebowitz book.

[final photo by PR Photos]

You may also like...

  • Mojopo

    I feel like I graduated from Mad, Cracked and Crazy and went straight for Fran. What was I going to get from Judy Blume beyond the sticky pages with folded corners? Bah. Fran forever!

  • marindenver

    You can’t even read her on Twitter (well you can follow her but she’s only posted one thing in 3 years – “thank you for following me”). Sniff.I have also been waiting patiently for her to finish the damn book and if she doesn’t do it soon . . . I guess I’ll just keep waiting. ;-)And this:”Your right to wear a lime green leisure suit ends where it meets my eye.”

  • Joey Brill

    I used “Social Studies” to flirt with the butchest English teacher back in High School.

  • Guest

    It’s a good thing that the requisite qualities to be a celebrity in America do not include depth.

  • timpundit

    There was a recent documentary/bio on her that was fascinating. I just love her.

  • DrShitferbrains

    Now I have to go all the way over to Wonkette to click their amazon linky thing so you can get the kickback for her book which can only be bought used for $35 dollars. THANKS LISA.

  • Edward White

    Watch all the Leibovitz videos on YouTube, and you will see that her Schlick is pretty thin.

    She repeats the same little humorous tidbits over and over and over, but she has the talent to make them seem fresh.