Which Food Network Personalities Would You Pay To Befriend You?

Which Food Network Personalities Would You Pay To Befriend You? What do you do when you’re sad little lonely billionaire hedge fund guy Steve Cohen who is probably going to get himself indicted soon? You buy yourself some friends, of course! Yes, you’ve got a cool six figures to throw at someone so they will pretend to like you for one day. ONE. DAY. So you throw that mountain of coin at…Guy Fieri?

Cohen paid Fieri to drive around Connecticut with him to reenact a fantasy episode of “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” reveals Allen Salkin in his book, “From Scratch: Inside the Food Network.”

But after “Cohen paid Guy Fieri $100,000 to be his friend for a day,” Salkin writes the odd couple became so close that the chef’s top-rated show even featured Cohen’s favorite hot-dog spot, the (perhaps appropriately titled) Super Duper Weenie. The popular joint in Fairfield, Conn., offers hot dogs at $3.75 a pop, guaranteed to get any hedge funder through hard times.

Personally, if we had that kind of money, we’d pay Guy Fieri 100K not to be our friend. We’d probably up it to eight figures to get his bleached-blond beefy aggro dude self off of our teevees forever, which we could do because we’d literally be rich enough to buy and sell people from the Food Network. We also would have paid a similar amount to remove Paula Deen because our nation’s arteries were crying out for it, but her little racism problem took care of that for us.

Can we get the entire Iron Chef experience for 100K? We understand there’s probably a premium to throw in Alton Brown, which we’re OK with as long as he balls melons.

alton-watermelon-590

100K for the Iron Chefs, 50K extra for Alton.

Trisha Yearwood? She cooks? OK, we’ll take her, but only for free, and only if she doesn’t sing.

After reading this:

[I]n 2004, Rachael Ray and Marc Summers went to a strip club at Mario Batali’s urging. “When they arrived .?.?. it was closing in 15 minutes, Mario ordered 25 shots and sent over lap dances to Marc and Rachael,” who protested “as the strippers sank down onto their laps and began gyrating,” he writes. Salkin adds that Ray was so hung-over the following day she “forgot to explain details of her recipes.

…we’d throw down maximum coin to go on a Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives-style tour with Batali, except we’ll only go to strip bar lunch buffets.

Emeril? HELL YEAH, BAM!

Ina Garten? Yes, we would sip a lovely sauvignon blanc with her, at the beach house.

The judges (and Ted Allen) from Chopped? No. Chopped is the Roy Cohn of Food Network shows — slithering along beneath the radar, yet DOING EVIL. First they give you a basket containing eel and rubber cement, and then they shout that they are OFFENDED that you served them something that tastes like RUBBER CEMENT. Screw those guys.

Sandra Lee of Semi-Homemade fame? Nah dude. Let Andrew Cuomo pay for that.

[Page Six]

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  • Jason M

    If Guy Fieri was on fire, I wouldn’t dunk him in ranch sauce to put him out. You know who I like? That Australian guy from the Top Chef B-list shows. You know the one.

  • Homestar

    Alton Brown has been claimed. You can remove him from this list now.

  • Mojopo

    What about The Neely’s? They’re awesome. This married couple is definitely still having sex. She starts fixing something with grease, he starts grilling – that shit is hot.