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The Agony Booth Repeat Offenders!
These are the actors, writers, producers, and directors who have
been at least partly responsible for more than one movie featured here in the Agony Booth. Do not
approach any of these people, and more importantly, do not approach any of their films.
NOTE: Only actors, writers, directors and producers are eligible to be
Repeat Offenders. If I had to track grips, stuntmen, and hairdressers, this list would be insanely long.
Also, no one is to be considered a Repeat Offender solely for appearing in an Agony Booth-reviewed
sequel to another Agony Booth-reviewed film. Again, that would make this list insanely long.
Finally, for obvious reasons, participating in multiple Agony Booth-reviewed
episodes of the same TV series does not qualify anyone for Repeat Offender status.
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1) AKIVA GOLDSMAN
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: LOST IN SPACE; BATMAN & ROBIN.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: 1963
Occupation(s): Screenwriter, Producer.
Known Aliases: According to the IMDb, "Keevie" [!!].
CAUTION
Besides the two films he's wanted for here, Akiva Goldsman has been involved
in a string of lackluster pictures, including Batman Forever, Practical Magic, Deep Blue Sea,
and The Recruit. In 2002, Goldsman won the Academy Award for Best Adapted
Screenplay for A Beautiful Mind.
CONSIDERED ARMED AND EXTREMELY WILLING TO
DESTROY ANOTHER FRANCHISE (Pitch Black, anyone?).
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2) KIM NICHOLAS
Click here to
go to her IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY;
IMPULSE.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: Unknown.
Occupation(s): Child actor.
Known Aliases: Elf #1, Tina Moy.
CAUTION
Kim Nicholas studied acting in south Florida
with the late Ruth Foreman. She starred in a children's theater production of The Prince and the Pauper
in the early 70's and, through her connection with Ruth Foreman, she landed roles in the two films for which
she's currently wanted. Her career peak was being cast as "Girl Hostage" in the John Frankenheimer film
Black Sunday. Sadly, she never made another film, thus depriving the world of ever hearing her screech and wail
again.
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3) GARY OLDMAN
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: LOST IN SPACE;
GODZILLA.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: March 21, 1958.
Occupation(s): Actor, producer, director.
Known Aliases: Dr. Smith, Random French Sp00k.
CAUTION
Gary Oldman started out as a reknowned stage actor, but eventually made his mark
playing Sid Vicious in his film debut Sid and Nancy. Since then, he's
played a variety of characters from Beethoven to Dracula to Lee Harvey Oswald, and starred
in fine films like True Romance and Romeo is Bleeding. Unfortunately, he was one
of several good actors who got bribed into appearing in the update of Lost in Space. Even more unfortunately,
he doesn't have a similar excuse to explain his cameo in the update of Godzilla.
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4) FREDERIC DOWNS
A THREE STRIKES OFFENDER!
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000;
THE SKYDIVERS;
RED ZONE CUBA;
THE HELLCATS.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: May 16, 1916.
Occupation(s): Actor.
Known Aliases: Prof. Howard J. Erling, Tinsley, Jack the Innkeeper, Ralph the Acid Salesman.
CAUTION
Frederic Downs appeared in the three stunningly, historically awful
films directed by Coleman Francis (including the very resumé-worthy
role of "Face in the Crowd" in Skydivers). After roles in profoundly bad films
like Hellcats and Terror from the Year 5000, he would
ultimately end up spending seven years as "Hank" on The Days of Our Lives, where presumably
he was actually given lines.
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5) TONY MALANOWSKI (AND THE TONY MALANOWSKI PLAYERS)
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: NIGHT OF HORROR;
THE CURSE OF THE SCREAMING DEAD.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: Unknown.
Occupation(s): Director, writer, actor, editor.
Known Aliases: Tony Stark(e), Skip Garrett.
CAUTION
Clockwise from
top left are: Tony Malanowski, Steve Sandkuhler, Jim Ball, Rebecca Bach. What, you didn't think I'd do a separate wanted poster for each one of these
people, did you? One poster says it all, because this group was not only responsible for two of the worst movies
ever made, but these are the only two movies most of these people ever worked on. (Note: Jim
Ball did not appear onscreen in Night of Horror, but was part of the band Off the Wall, which performed the one
and only song heard in the movie.) Currently, Steve Sandkuhler plays harmonica in Jimmy Buffet tribute band
Captain Quint. Tony Malanowski went on to become a film editor, working on such classics as Dr. Alien, Raw Justice,
Mutant Species, and Dinosaur Valley Girls. And if you're lucky, you might just catch him posting
here in the Agony Booth forums...
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6) STEVEN PAUL
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE;
ETERNITY.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: Unknown.
Occupation(s): Writer, Director.
Known Aliases: "Stage Manager".
CAUTION
Besides the two films he's wanted for here, Steven Paul is also
partly responsible for several other low-budget cinematic gems like Baby Geniuses and
A Million to Juan. He and Jon Voight are partners in the production company
Crystal Sky Entertainment, and the two look set to team up yet again on the long awaited
sequel Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies.
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8) JON VOIGHT
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: ETERNITY;
ANACONDA.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: December 29, 1938.
Occupation(s): Actor, Screenwriter, Producer.
Known Aliases: Prince Edward, James Harris, Paul Sarone.
CAUTION
Jon Voight became an overnight star after appearing in Midnight Cowboy,
for which he received an Oscar nomination. Other noteworthy roles followed in
Deliverance and Coming Home, the latter of which earned him an Oscar. Decades later, after assaying the role of
FDR in Pearl Harbor, he was again nominated for playing Howard Cossell in Ali. Sadly, he
and fellow Repeat Offender Steven Paul are producing partners, which means he too will have a hand in the
upcoming Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies. His offspring include Angelina Jolie, and that creepy guy who makes out with her.
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9) RICHARD KIEL
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: EEGAH;
MOONRAKER.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: September 13, 1939.
Occupation(s): Actor.
Known Aliases: Eegah, Jaws.
CAUTION
At 7 feet 2 inches, it was probably only a matter of time before
Hollywood discovered Richard Kiel. After appearing in the memorable Twilight Zone episode
"To Serve Man", his first major film role was in the stunningly awful Eegah. From there,
he could only go up, and he quickly became an established character actor with
roles in films like Force 10 from Navarrone, The Longest Yard, and Happy Gilmore. But
his true claim to fame will always be as the villainous Jaws in a pair of James Bond movies.
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10) JOHN CARRADINE
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: RED ZONE CUBA;
MYRA BRECKINRIDGE.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: February 5, 1906.
Occupation(s): Actor, Singer.
Known Aliases: Mr. Wilson, Surgeon.
CAUTION
One of the most prolific character actors of all time, John Carradine's IMDb entry lists nearly
250 film roles. Add his guest starring roles on TV shows, and that number goes well over 300. With his booming
baritone, he was a distinctive presence in classic films like The Grapes of Wrath and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
Unfortunately, the movies he acted in became progressively cheaper until he could be found in worthless junk like Red Zone Cuba,
Wizard of Mars, Vampire Hookers, and Frankenstein Island. His offspring include Kung Fu's David Carradine
and Revenge of the Nerds star Robert Carradine.
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11) OWEN WILSON
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: ANACONDA;
ARMAGEDDON.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: November 18, 1968.
Occupation(s): Actor, Screenwriter.
Known Aliases: Gary, Oscar.
CAUTION
Owen Wilson first gained notice for appearing in Bottle Rocket, a movie he
co-wrote with college classmate Wes Anderson. After a series of roles where he played the First Guy
To Be Killed Off (see his two movies on this site, plus The Haunting), Wilson finally achieved stardom in
two films with Jackie Chan, Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights. He continues to
write screenplays with Wes Anderson, including the acclaimed Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums, and the upcoming
The Life Aquatic.
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12) PETER STORMARE
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK;
ARMAGEDDON.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: August 27, 1953.
Occupation(s): Actor.
Known Aliases: Dieter, Lev.
CAUTION
Born in Sweden, Stormare was discovered by legendary
director Ingmar Bergman, who cast him in 1982's Fanny and Alexander. From there, he played a number
of bit roles until finally hitting the big time as the woodchipper-obsessed kidnapper in Fargo. Since then, he's continued
to play high-profile character roles in films as diverse as Dancer in the Dark and Bad Boys II.
Next year he re-teams with Armageddon co-star (and fellow Repeat Offender) Owen Wilson in
The Life Aquatic.
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13) THOMAS HADEN CHURCH
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: DEAN KOONTZ'S MR. MURDER;
3000 MILES TO GRACELAND.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: June 17, 1961.
Occupation(s): Actor, Director, Writer.
Known Aliases: Drew Oslett, Jr., U.S. Marshal Quigley.
CAUTION
Church's claim to fame is and always will be playing Lowell, the
slow-witted mechanic on the low-rated but long-running sitcom Wings. (His premature
departure from the sitcom is widely considered the moment the show "jumped the
shark".) From there, he moved on to a starring role as Ned in Ned and Stacey (opposite
Debra Messing's Stacey). After that sitcom's brief run, Church began a film career,
almost exclusively playing tenth and eleventh-billed roles. In
2003, he made his directorial debut with the independent comedy Rolling Kansas,
which premiered at the Sundance Film Festival.
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14) BEN AFFLECK
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: ARMAGEDDON;
GIGLI.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: August 15, 1972.
Occupation(s): Actor, Producer, Screenwriter, Director.
Known Aliases: AJ Frost, Larry Gigli.
CAUTION
Born in Berkeley, California and raised in Cambridge, Massachusetts, Ben Gesa Affleck first appeared on television at age 8 in a Burger King commercial. His first steady role came in 1984 on the PBS mini-series The Voyage of the Mimi, and it was during this time he met his lifelong friend Matt Damon. Affleck entered the limelight in 1993 by appearing in Dazed and Confused, and for most of the 90's he would act in independent movies, most notably the films of Kevin Smith (Mallrats, Chasing Amy). He did nothing of note afterward until he and Damon wrote and starred in Good Will Hunting, which went on to win the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for Robin Williams and Best Screenplay for Affleck and Damon. Affleck almost immediately went on to destroy his credibility in such stinkers (and likely Agony Booth targets) as Forces of Nature, Reindeer Games, Pearl Harbor, Daredevil, Paycheck, and Jersey Girl. However, his most notable accomplishment was gaining America's intense loathing due to the extreme overexposure of his relationship with fellow Repeat Offender Jennifer Lopez, which plagued the entertainment world for months before their engagement mercifully ended in 2004... but not before unleashing the horror that was Gigli.
—Profile written by Kevin Ramsey
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15) JENNIFER LOPEZ
Click here to
go to her IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: ANACONDA;
GIGLI.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: July 24, 1970.
Occupation(s): Dancer, Actress, Singer, Producer.
Known Aliases: Terri Flores, Rochelle, Ricki.
CAUTION
Born in the Bronx, Jennifer Lynn Lopez first entered the hearts of America as one of the backup dancers appropriately named "The Fly Girls" on breakthrough sketch comedy series In Living Color. From there, she appeared in various TV and movie roles until her breakthrough performance as the late Tejano superstar Selena Quintanilla in Selena put her on the Hollywood map. However, true stardom eluded her until her showstopping role of Karen Sisco in Out of Sight. The Cell became her first star vehicle, and from there it was nothing but top billing in such films as Maid in Manhattan and Enough. However, it wasn't her acting ability that would grab the most press. Instead it would be her engagement to—and breakup with—fellow Repeat Offender Ben Affleck, which left us with Gigli to remember it by.
—Profile written by Kevin Ramsey
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16) LAINIE KAZAN
Click here to
go to her IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: ETERNITY;
GIGLI.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: May 15, 1940.
Occupation(s): Actress, Singer.
Known Aliases: The Queen, Berneice, Gigli's Mom.
CAUTION
Overbearing and/or ethnic (she's of Spanish and Russian Jewish heritage, according to the IMDb) mother roles are Kazan's specialty on both the stage and the screen. As proof, her role as the aspiring writer's mom in My Favorite Year was one she repeated ten years later when it was unsuccessfully adapted into a Broadway musical. She attracted fresh attention and strong reviews as Nia Vardalos' mom in 2002's My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and was one of the few positives in the subsequent short-lived sitcom My Big Fat Greek Life.
—Profile written by Rori Stevens
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17) UDO KIER
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: ARMAGEDDON;
BARB WIRE.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: October 14, 1944.
Occupation(s): Actor, Director.
Known Aliases: Curly, Psychologist.
CAUTION
Udo Kier was born in Kohl, Germany during World War II. Interestingly enough, the hospital he was born in was bombed by the Allies with him and his mother inside it. Luckily, both survived and Udo went on to a career of playing dramatic roles in his native Germany, before coming to America to make himself famous as the go-to guy for any movie that needs a Creepy German Character: Johnny Mnemonic, Blade, End of Days, Shadow of the Vampire, FeardotCom, etc. Willing to do just about anything, he's also appeared in Ace
Ventura: When Nature Calls and Madonna's book Sex. He is one of today's most famous "Hey, it's that guy!" actors.
—Profile written by Kevin Ramsey with an assist from Ed Harris
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18) CLINT HOWARD
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: SANTA WITH MUSCLES;
BARB WIRE.
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Date of Birth: April 20, 1959.
Occupation(s): Actor.
Known Aliases: Hinkley, Schmitz.
CAUTION
Ron Howard's younger brother also started his career as a child actor; he was the original voice of Roo in Disney's Winnie the Pooh shorts of the late 60's and early 70's. He's since had minor roles in thirteen of Ron's directorial efforts (not counting the TV movie Cotton Candy, which he and Ron co-wrote), but he's arguably best known for the myriad of goofy, creepy roles he's played in B-, C- and D-grade movies. He was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award on the MTV Movie Awards in 1998; the category has since been retired because the producers could never find someone comparable to give it to. He appeared in the show's Armageddon spoof "ArmageddN'sync" the following year.
—Profile written by Rori Stevens
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19) GRAHAM STARK
A THREE STRIKES OFFENDER!
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: TRAIL OF THE PINK PANTHER;
CASINO ROYALE;
SUPERMAN III.
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Date of Birth: January 20, 1922.
Occupation(s): Actor, Director, Writer, Photographer, Producer.
Known Aliases: Hercule Lajoy, Blind Man.
CAUTION
Virtually all of Stark's many roles have been comic supporting turns in films and TV shows of wildly varying quality. A famously close friend of Peter Sellers, he worked with him in radio, short films, TV, and on thirteen full-length films starting in the 1950's. Stark is best-known for his various roles in the Pink Panther series, starting with A Shot in the Dark and lasting all the way through Son of the Pink Panther. He is also an excellent photographer and has written two books: the memoir Remembering Peter Sellers and the witty autobiography Stark Naked.
—Profile written by Rori Stevens, who also keenly spotted this overlooked Repeat Offender in the first place!
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20) ROBERT ENGLUND
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE;
STARFLIGHT ONE.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: June 6, 1949.
Occupation(s): Actor, Director.
Known Aliases: Riley, Scott the Cameraman.
CAUTION
Best known as Freddy Krueger, this versatile character actor first came to prominence as Willie, the friendly alien on V. Apart from these two roles, he's also done tons of television work with guest roles on such shows as Charlie's Angels, Soap, Manimal and Married... with Children. As for films, he's worked with Tobe Hooper three times (Eaten Alive, Night Terrors and The Mangler), had a role in Stay Hungry with Arnold Schwarzenegger, played a villain in the Andrew Dice Clay film The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, and he's even directed a movie, 976-EVIL.
—Profile written by Ed Harris
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21) ED BEGLEY, JR.
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: SANTA WITH MUSCLES;
THE CONCORDE... AIRPORT '79.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: September 16, 1949.
Occupation(s): Actor.
Known Aliases: Ebner Frost, Rescuer #1.
CAUTION
Better known for his appearances in the mockumentary A Mighty Wind and popular drama 7th Heaven, this long-time actor began his career with an uncredited appearance in the 1969 Disney comedy The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. Since then he has gone on to pop up in over a hundred movies and television shows, most of which are notable for being truly terrible. Santa With Muscles, the horrifying family film starring Hulk Hogan, could easily be called his most embarrassing moment, but if you did that, you'd be missing out. There's so much more dreck to discuss! Ricki Lake's blockbuster movie Murder, She Purred also featured Mr. Begley, and who can forget his performance as Jeb in the 1980's series Rascals & Robbers: The Secret Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn (which may just have the longest title in TV history)? But you can't put down Mr. Begley too much. After all, he was in Cat People, and we all know that was a huge hit! Except it wasn't!
—Profile written by Jonathon Pernisek
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22) VICTORIA ROWELL
Click here to
go to her IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: LEONARD PART 6;
BARB WIRE.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: May 10, 1960.
Occupation(s): Actress, Writer.
Known Aliases: Joan Parker, Cora D, Dr. Corrina Devonshire.
CAUTION
Rowell's film debut was Leonard Part 6, and it was three years between that and her next major role, Drucilla Barbara Winters on the soap opera The Young and the Restless (Happily, that was a far more successful venture and she's still with the show as of this writing). She was also a regular on primetime's Diagnosis: Murder in the '90s and even wrote for that show. Subsequent film appearances have been sporadic in mostly low-profile fare. Besides Barb Wire, Rowell had minor roles in Dumb and Dumber and Eve's Bayou, and a larger role in the Eddie Murphy vehicle The Distinguished Gentleman—which, like Leonard Part 6, features Joe Don Baker!
—Profile written by Rori Stevens
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23) GRACE ZABRISKIE
Click here to
go to her IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: LEONARD PART 6;
ARMAGEDDON.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: May 17, 1941.
Occupation(s): Actress, Artist.
Known Aliases: Jefferson, Dottie.
CAUTION
Beginning her career in 1978 with the scintillating role of Widow Cummins in The Million Dollar Dixie Deliverance, Grace Zabriskie has gone on to be a featured player in numerous films and television series. You may recognize her from Seinfeld, Twin Peaks, Charmed, the short-lived John Doe, or perhaps the 1981 made-for-TV movie M.A.D.D.: Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. She's also done voice work, lending her talents to the environmentally charged film Ferngully: The Last Rainforest. And as if that weren't enough to sustain an entire career, Grace also played the Great Aunt in Psycho Sushi. Surely no actor's star could shine brighter!
—Profile written by Jonathon Pernisek
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24) JOE DON BAKER
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: MITCHELL;
LEONARD PART 6.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: February 12, 1936.
Occupation(s): Actor.
Known Aliases: Mitchell, Nick Snyderburn.
CAUTION
Though he arguably got his big break by starring in the action film Walking Tall (which was recently remade to the confusion of everyone on the planet) Joe Don Baker is probably most famous for his films that have appeared on Mystery Science Theatre 3000. The big lug of home-cooked beefiness appeared in two separate movies that each became episodes, namely Mitchell and Final Justice (both of which, oddly enough, feature Mr. Baker peeling an orange). But don't be fooled, ladies and gentlemen. Joe has been in many films seen by more than 2% of the populace, including Goldeneye, Fletch, Tomorrow Never Dies, and Congo. Okay, scratch Congo. In any case, Joe has sustained an acting career for over thirty years, and you have to admit, that's pretty gravy-baked impressive.
—Profile written by Jonathon Pernisek
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25) WILLIAM SHATNER
A THREE STRIKES OFFENDER!
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR: IMPULSE;
ALEXANDER THE GREAT;
THE WORST OF TREK.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: March 22, 1931.
Occupation(s): Actor, Author, Singer, Director, Guy Who Likes Horses.
Known Aliases: Matt Stone, Alexander the Great, Capt. Kirk.
CAUTION
A graduate of McGill University in Montreal (a campus that now sports it very own Shatner Building [!]), William Shatner's early years saw him assail Shakespeare on both the stage and TV. After several memorable guest appearances on shows like The Twilight Zone, 77 Sunset Strip, and The Outer Limits, he landed the role that would define his career and most of his life, that of Captain James Tiberius Kirk on the original Star Trek. He would reprise the role seven times on the big screen, and create one of the most memorable and oft-imitated moments in movie history: KHAAAAAAAAAAN! It wasn't the first time he devoured entire sets; You can see him ham it up with reckless abandon in such films as The Devil's Rain, Kingdom of the Spiders, Big Bad Mama, Airplane II: The Sequel, National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon One, Miss Congeniality, Showtime, and many others. He's been in the director's chair numerous times; His first outing was the infamously bad Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, but he's gone on to direct Groom Lake, episodes of Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, and the just-announced Code Black. He's also written several Star Trek novels, as well as creating an original sci-fi universe with Tek War, which also became a TV series. And in his unique spoken-word style, he's butchered and mangled several timeless classics, such as "Rocket Man", "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", and of course, "Mr. Tambourine Man". In 2004, he released his second album, Has Been, which featured contributions from the likes of Ben Folds, Joe Jackson, Aimee Mann, Henry Rollins, and Adrian Belew. Also in 2004, Shatner finally won an Emmy, an award he earned for a guest appearance as Denny Crane on The Practice, and in 2005, he won a Golden Globe for playing the same character on Boston Legal. His Walk of Fame star is at 6901 Hollywood Blvd, between Greta Garbo and Jean Harlow, and the day has finally come when he no longer seems out of place there. Truly a Renaissance man.
—Ed Harris also contributed to this profile.
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26) MR. T
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR:
MR. T'S BE SOMEBODY... OR BE SOMEBODY'S FOOL;
MISTER T: THE ANIMATED SERIES.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: May 21, 1952.
Occupation(s): Actor, Bodyguard, Wrestler, Rapper, 1-800-COLLECT Spokesman.
Known Aliases: Mr. T is known only as Mr. T, fool!
CAUTION
Instead of telling you everything you already know about Mr. T here, I'm going to let Mr. T tell you all about himself in his own words:
On being a versatile performer: "I'm talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet, even though I look like King Kong."
On the duality of existence: "I'm tough and tender at the same time."
On turning the other cheek: "If I fought every time somebody called me a name, I would never get out of jail. But I'm disciplined. I'm smarter than that."
On adult literacy: "If I couldn't read, I wouldn't have gotten the part in Rocky III. If you can't read, the only thing you can do is enjoy the pictures, not the whole story."
On the thin line between fantasy and reality: "That's the message I tell the kids; white kids, black kids, whatever. They need to know that Mr. T is real, and that's the advantage we have. Batman, Rifleman, Superman, Iron Man, Tin Man, they might be nice guys, but they're not real. They can't go into schools. They can't go into the neighborhoods."
On seeking the presidency: "See, if I run for president, they'd be controlling me. Right now, I'm free. I can say it like it is. If I run for president, people will say, 'No, Mr. T, don't write about drugs, you're the president.' Politics, they make strange bedfellows, with deals and whatnot. I couldn't be a president. It ain't worth the headache or the pressure. The money's too low, and all that stuff."
On Michael Jackson: "I go out and see a kid grabbing his crotch. Ain't nobody telling them that. Where do they get it from? They watch MTV. I say, 'If you wash up more often, you won't have to grab your crotch.'"
On fashion: "I maybe wear two, three pairs of shoes the whole year. I don't need a whole lot of shoes to change into to try to impress somebody. Basically, I wear sandals, like Jesus."
Still on Michael Jackson: "I'm telling these guys, 'Why you gotta grab your crotch?' Then you see Michael Jackson grabbing his crotch fifty times. What's with him?"
On special interests: "If I tell a kid not to smoke, the tobacco industry is mad. Tell 'em you don't drink beer, the beer company gets pissed. I tell a kid don't do drugs, the drug dealers are mad. Stepping on toes. Can't no ordinary guy do this, because they're afraid, they don't have a backbone, they don't have the balls, they don't have the guts."
On his questionable career choices: "I don't turn down nothing but my collar."
On Divine Right: "I believe in the Golden Rule - The man with the gold... rules."
On humility: "Next to God, there is no better protector than I."
On the Method: "It takes a smart guy to play dumb."
On the hardships of his forefathers: "My gold jewelry is genuine and worth around $300,000. It takes me about an hour to put it on, and most nights I clean it in an ultrasonic cleaner, although some nights I sleep in it to see how my ancestors, who were slaves, felt."
On having realistic aspirations: "People talk about being like Mike. No, I want to be like Jesus."
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27) TONY CARDOZA
A THREE STRIKES OFFENDER!
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR:
THE SKYDIVERS;
RED ZONE CUBA;
THE HELLCATS.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: 1930.
Occupation(s): Actor, Director, Producer, Screenwriter.
Known Aliases: Landis, Harry Rowe, The Artist.
CAUTION
Hartford's least favorite son, Mr. Cardoza is best known for producing and starring in all three films from director Coleman Francis, filmdom's great Anti-Christ. He also worked with Ed Wood on Night of the Ghouls, and the lesser-known
but no more talented Robert Slatzer in The Hellcats and
Bigfoot. Oh, and it seems Robert Rodriguez has some
precedent to fall back on, because Cardoza also took it upon himself
to produce and direct his son's script Smokey and the Hotwire
Gang. Just thinking that this guy got laid at least once is making me ill, so I'll stop now.
—Profile written by Ryan Lohner.
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28) TOM HANSON
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR:
RED ZONE CUBA;
THE HELLCATS.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: Unknown.
Occupation(s): Actor, Director, Producer.
Known Aliases: Bailey Chastain, Moongoose.
CAUTION
Who can forget his requests
for water in Red Zone Cuba, and, well, whatever he did in
The Hellcats? But that's not all; before dropping off the
face of the earth he also managed to produce, direct, and have a
cameo in a fact-inspired film called The Zodiac Killer,
which according to IMDb reviewer Sifujon "has some memorable lines." You'll excuse me if I don't rush out and rent it.
—Profile written by Ryan Lohner.
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37) WILLIAM HOLDEN
Click here to
go to his IMDb entry.
WANTED FOR:
WHEN TIME RAN OUT...;
CASINO ROYALE.
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DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth: April 17, 1918.
Occupation(s): Actor.
Known Aliases: Shelby Gilmore, Ransome.
CAUTION
"Holden has turned down Toulouse shedding light as he goes. An aura of heightened reality moves with him
and all who fall within it feel it. Now everyone is aware of him. He creates a regular eddy among the tourists and barkeeps and B-girls
who come running to the doors of the joints."
—Walker Percy, from his novel The Moviegoer.
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