A Recap of Every “Love It or List It” Ever

love-it-or-list-it

FADE IN:

A reasonably attractive woman and her total dork husband try their best not to look directly at the camera as they rush through a montage of pretending to eat breakfast, pretending to do laundry, and pretending not to be Canadian so the show can play well in the U.S.

SOOTHING-VOICED NARRATOR:
Bob and Ellen bought this starter home when they were newlyweds, but now they’ve got three children who are forced to share a cupboard under the stairs as their bedroom.

BOB:
It’s fine! They love it under there! They’ve already named all the spiders. I’d rather shoot all three kids in the head than move out of this house.

SOOTHING-VOICED NARRATOR:
Also, there is a wall between the kitchen and the living room. A WALL. Can you fucking believe it?

ELLEN:
Every night I dream of nailing Bob’s face to that wall and setting him on fire so this place will burn down I can finally move somewhere else.

BOB:
Okay, Ellen’s right—the wall is a problem. But once we tear that out, this place is going to be perfect. There’s no way I’m moving, even if I have to hack my wife’s legs off with a rusty steak knife.

CUT TO:

The stars of our show—interior designer Hilary and real estate agent David—take a tour of the house.

kitchen

HILARY:
Look how much potential this kitchen has!

DAVID:
It’s so hideous that I’m about to puke on the countertop, and if I did, it’d be an improvement.

HILARY:
But you have to admit the master bedroom is charming.

DAVID:
No, I don’t! I bet all three kids were conceived in hotel rooms because no one could get an erection in this shithole.

They take a look at the backyard, which is 18 inches by 6 inches, half-covered with broken light bulbs, and buried beneath sixteen feet of snow.

HILARY:
GORGEOUS!

DAVID:
WOW! Now this is a spectacular feature!!!

Hilary pulls out a piece of paper.

HILARY:
Okay, let’s look at the couple’s “Must Have” renovations if they’re going to stay here. I’ve got to add four bedrooms, six bathrooms, a tennis court, S&M dungeon, and an open concept living space.

DAVID:
And in order for them to move, I’ve got to find them a 70,000 sq. ft. mountain getaway with an ocean view, a heated swimming pool filled the tears of orphaned children, and an open concept living space.

HILARY:
Now it’s time to ask Bob and Ellen what their budget is.

CUT TO:

ELLEN:
To buy a home, we’ve got $960,000.

DAVID:
Hot damn! I’m gonna—

ELLEN:
That’s Canadian dollars.

DAVID:
Oh hell. That’s like twelve loonies, three badgerinos, and golden moose, eh?

BOB:
To renovate the home, we’ve saved up $16 worth of Chuck E. Cheese tokens and these two Tim Horton’s coupons.

HILARY:
Excellent! Starting tomorrow morning, I’m going to transform the kitchen into an en-suite, excavate a brand new basement, remodel the entryway to look like the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, and replace all the doors with 1940s jukeboxes. Then tomorrow afternoon, I’ll—

CUT TO:

Hilary stands in the middle of the hollowed-out shell of the couple’s house.

HILARY:
Turns out, I can’t do any of those things.

BOB:
Yeah, no kidding. We’ve seen the show before. You always over-promise in order to drum up some false drama by taking it away.

HILARY:
Yeah, well, here’s the thing. We used up your entire budget gutting the interior of the house, and now we don’t have a penny to put it back together again.

BOB:
Well, I suppose I could take out a small loan…

HILARY:
No, you can’t. I’ve already opened up several new credit cards in your name and maxed them out.

BOB:
I don’t remember agreeing to that…

HILARY:
And I sold all three children’s spleens on the black market.

CUT TO:

David takes the couple on a lengthy tour of two homes that are no better than the one they already live in.

ELLEN:
That was a tremendous waste of time.

DAVID:
Yeah, well, it’s an hour-long show, so…

CUT TO:

Back to Hilary in the hollowed-out home.

demo

HILARY:
I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. We’ve found asbestos in your black mold. Also, our flooring guy got caught in bed with the codes inspector’s wife, so he declared your house a radioactive wasteland. We’ve pretty much decided to duct tape a plastic tarp over the whole thing and call it “mission accomplished.”

CUT TO:

Back to David–except, this time, he’s showing off the most gorgeous house you’ve ever seen.

DAVID:
I’ve finally found your dream home! Yes, it’s a little outside your preferred neighborhood—

ELLEN:
We’re in Milwaukee.

DAVID:
And yes, it’s a little outside your budget—

ELLEN:
We could buy Portugal for less.

DAVID:
But what you don’t understand is that every night when Hilary’s work crew goes home, I sneak in and take a big, runny dump in your duct work. Now is this place worth the extra money?

CUT TO:

Hilary and David join Bob and Ellen at what’s left of their house.

BOB:
Hilary, I’ve got to confess I’m disappointed that you were unable to finish a single renovation on our home, but don’t worry—if Ellen insists on moving, I plan to convince our children that mommy is a werewolf and it’s up to them to put her down.

ELLEN:
David, the home you found was stunning. If Bob doesn’t agree to buy it, I’m going to make it my mission in life to have sex with every person on his iPhone contact list, starting with his brother. And I’m going film it. And show it at his office Christmas party.

HILARY:
Whoa! Ever think maybe you two should forget about living together and just get a divorce?

BOB:
What? No! Of course not! We’re just being unreasonable assholes because your producer told us to.

ELLEN:
Yeah, in reality we’d both be fine with staying or moving if we thought it was best for the family.

HILARY:
Oh, thank goodness.

DAVID:
Okay, so what’s it going to be?

HILARY:
Will you love it or list it?

ELLEN:
We’re going to—

Sudden unnecessary slo-mo!

ELLEN:
What the hell was that?

HILARY:
Sorry, the producers like to drag this moment out, even at the expense of making it look like the editor had a very brief seizure. Carry on.

ELLEN:
As I was saying, we’re going to… love it.

DAVID:
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU SYPHILITIC WHORE WHO’S GONE BRAINDEAD FROM THE SYPHILIS FROM ALL YOUR WHORING?!

BOB:
Hey, watch it, dick.

ELLEN:
Yeah, we were just being jerks to each other because producers said we had to, but I’m starting to think he’s really like this.

HILARY:
(breathing heavily)
He is. He really is.

Hilary and David suddenly rip off each other’s clothes and start hate-fucking on the floor.

BOB:
About time.

CUT TO:

Closing credits montage.

SOOTHING-VOICED NARRATOR:
Ellen and Bob are now penniless and living in a half-renovated hovel with no bathrooms. But they say they’ve learned a lot from this experience.

ELLEN:
Mostly that Canadians really do say “a-boot,” but it’s not half as funny as sitcoms and stand-up comedians try to pretend it is.

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  • sousaphone93

    I would say this is exactly true but generally, it’s the wife who wants to stay and the husband who wants to move. Love It or List It is a predictable mess BUT I LOVE IT