Epic Movie (2007) (part 11 of 11)

The screen goes black, and when we come back, heroic coronation music is playing. Harry Beaver makes his way through a crowd, giving people his usual sass, which is comprised of what rich, white screenwriters suspect a black man might say.

He breaks through and sees the four orphans sitting on their thrones. It’s a copy of the shot from the real movie, and Harry presents to us the new kings and queens of Gnarnia: “Peter, the heroic; Susan, the just”—and nowhere in the movie did Susan wrestle with issues of justice, but they’re setting up a joke, so let’s see what they do with it—”Edward, the loyal; and Lucy, the dumb shit.” Ah. That’s what they did with it.

The crowd erupts in cheers, and the villagers hug each other. James Bond applauds politely. Chewbacca pumps his fist in victory. Since both Bond and Chewy are armed here, it’s a shame they didn’t stick around for the battle. They might have been useful. And in this movie, Chewbacca has blue highlights in his fur, which I guess is supposed to be some sort of joke.

Caption contributed by Jordon Davis

Look! You can see Peter Mayhew’s right arm! I told you Lucas was a hack!

And now, out of the woods staggers Mr. Tumnus. He has a bandage around his head, but otherwise seems unharmed, despite being shot about 15 times by Silas. He cheers for the orphans, and then he and the beaver robot start French kissing again, and it’s just as hilarious as the last time. Completely absent here is Aslo who, in what must be a smashing blow to Christian symbolism, does not get resurrected in this movie.

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Hey, Roscoe Lee Brown is back to take us out with another voiceover! According to him, the four orphans restored peace to Gnarnia, and “they ruled for many years.” The shot crossfades to the four of them dressed the same, but now they’re old, as indicated by really bad old age makeup.

The four Old Orphans are standing in the snowy woods again, and it appears they’re all urinating in the snow. Because that joke was exceptionally funny the first time around, and it really needed a callback. The girls are even peeing as if they were boys, which lends credible evidence to my theory that the writers have never seen the bottom half of a woman.

Caption contributed by Jordon Davis

Yeah, this movie’ll do that to you.

There are shots of yellow liquid splashing the ground, and Kal Penn suggests they “cross streams”. I don’t think a Ghostbusters reference can save this movie now. Susan, watching Kal pee, indicates with her fingers that he has a very small penis. Isn’t he supposed to be her brother?

Peter is talking to his shmeckie. “There we go. Oops, a little bit of blood.” Lovely. Then he notices that they’ve been peeing on something. So he reaches down into the puddles of urine and pulls up a fur coat. Suddenly, they’re all reminded of the long-forgotten wardrobe they came through to enter Gnarnia.

The next bit of dialogue accomplishes two astonishing feats: First, it marks the very last time in the movie they make Lucy stupidly repeat Susan’s line. Hallelujah! Second, it marks the funniest line in the movie.

Peter: It’s the wardrobe.
Susan: It’s been so long.
Lucy: It’s been so long.
Kal: Chuck Norris rules.

And that’s how you write absurdity, guys. Now, go back to the beginning of the script and redo the whole thing. On second thought, never mind. Just end the movie.

The four are enchanted, and walk towards the tree line. Canned wondrous music plays, and abruptly, all four of them spill out of the wardrobe, back in the same room from the beginning of the movie. They’re young again, and back in their Willy Wonka costumes.

They notice, of all things, Borat standing at the other end of the room. He’s in his neon green man-kini, of course, and I suppose it’s never too late to cram in one more pointless reference to another, much funnier comedy. The Borat lookalike informs them, “You did it. You make movie-film have happy ending!” And again, was Borat really a movie in need of skewering?

The four orphans begin to celebrate Borat’s good news. Suddenly, the waterwheel crashes through the room, flattening them into cartoon-like pancakes. Borat completes his last thought: “Not!” He turns around, slaps his almost entirely exposed rear, and gives two thumbs up.

Caption contributed by Albert

You don’t know how lucky you are that I didn’t include a shot of this guy’s bare ass.

And the credits roll! It’s just credits—blessed credits—over a black screen. 71 minutes after it began, Epic Movie is finally over.

Except… it isn’t.

Okay, I’m sorry to have to do this to you, but I’m also going to have to recap the entirety of the closing credits, and all the stupid outtakes and crap that play over them. I understand you thought the movie was over, and you could return to your peaceful, sane existence, but it’s really not over. Not by a long shot. Mentally prepare yourself. These outtakes go on for so long, you may give suicide more than a passing thought.

They actually abandon the credits midway through to show us various characters from the movie dancing to “Ms. New Booty”. It’s like the end of Bring It On where everybody sings “Oh, Mickey”. Except, the characters aren’t really dancing to this song specifically. It’s quite obviously just a mix of outtakes and various things we actually saw in the movie, now set to the song. Also, in Bring It On, they at least had the good sense not to stop the credits while everybody was singing.

The first shot, and the strangest one, is a guy who looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and V from V for Vendetta dancing in the middle of Aslo’s camp. At one point, he has a small baby doll. He throws it in the air and accidentally drops it, which I guess is a reference to Michael Jackson hanging his kid off that balcony. Very timely.

Now the directors bring back our favorite characters: Gay Pirate Bear, and Sean Combs as a half-goat. I’m glad I got one last chance to be dazzled by their presence.

A long time is spent on the two soldiers who danced at the battle. I suppose when you hire breakdancers for a whole day, you want to use as much of that footage as possible. The Borat lookalike is in front of the map backdrop from the actual Borat movie. He says, “Is nice!” Then the screen goes black, and then there’s a sedate scroll of credits.

But it’s still not over, if you can believe it. It’s not over.

(The sad thing is that in the unrated DVD version, all that dancing is replaced by outtakes, many of which are actually humorous. The actors are shown ad-libbing. Since a few of them have some semblance of intelligence, the jokes they make up are funnier than their actual lines. Like when Peter hopes for a new Gnarnia with “justice for elves, fauns, albinos, and the Irish!”)

The credits continue. Lauren Conrad apparently played “Herself”.

The credits end, and god help me, but the Oompa Loompas proceed to sing an original song. It’s all done on the Mixing Room set, and it’s just like being back in Act Two of the movie. It’s pretty obvious that they shot the song, and then decided it was too terrible for the actual film, so they stuck it on after the end credits. Here’s how bad this song is: it’s not on the unrated DVD at all.

The Oompa Loompas are happily frolicking and holding lollipops while they sing, “He’s Willy. He’s Willy. He’s Willy, strange and freaky.” No argument there. “He’s Willy. He’s Willy. He’s mother-F-ing creepy”. And yes, they actually do sing “mother-F-ing”.

The Oompa Loompas now sing the following brilliant and hilarious lyrics:

He he ha ha ho ho
He he he he ha ha ho ho
He he he he ha ha ho ho
He he ha!

At the last “ha”, a dwarf yells directly into the camera, which cannot be good for my heart.

Two Oompa Loompas happily paddle a gondola through the river of raw sewage. They sing, “He makes all kinds of tasty treats, like chocolate covered pickles; yummy, gooey, crunchy bars of smashed up testicles.” Why must they torture me well past the closing credits with their uncompromising laziness? First of all, the meter doesn’t work. Second of all, chocolate covered pickles aren’t even a real thing. The writers had to make up a candy, because they couldn’t think of any other rhyme for “testicles”, and they still didn’t give us a decent rhyme.

They show Crispin Glover and his dance double. I’m not going back to check, but I think it’s mostly the same footage from the “Fergalicious” debacle.

Now the lyrics start to really get strange. “He’s Willy. He’s Willy. He makes candy out of orphans. He’s Willy. He’s Willy. He’ll sugar-coat your organs.” And “organs” and “orphans” don’t really rhyme, either. I might have given this a pass if the song were any good. But by this point, I’m not in the mood to cut them any slack. Here we go again:

Oochy oochy ya ya
Icky icky, yucky yucky
Oochy oochy ya ya
Icky icky yucky yucky
Oochy oochy ya ya
Icky icky yucky yucky ah!

Now there’s an extended dance scene, and it appears to really be all Crispin Glover. Good for him. I hope the medication works out, and he can get real work someday.

There’s a dizzying overhead shot as Oompa Loompas dance under and around a large candy mushroom. “The Golden Ticket lured you here and now you are defenseless. Before you can say Delta Force, Willy kicks you like Chuck Norris.” And I now realize that the funniest line in the movie, “Chuck Norris rules,” wasn’t even meant to be absurd. It was just a stupid callback to a joke that got cut. Well, that’s just great. They had to go and ruin my one fond memory of this crappy movie.

Two Oompa Loompas smile at the camera and sing, “Willy owns your ass!” The screen goes black, and the rest of the credits roll by without incident.

Actually… no. No, they don’t. It’s still not over. At this point, I’m just waiting for the bottle of sleeping pills (which I swallowed with a whiskey chaser, of course) to take effect.

Kal Penn is once again sitting in his frozen jail cell. He asks someone offscreen, “What are you in here for, Mel?”

It turns out that sitting next to him on the bench is a Mel Gibson lookalike, dressed like the mug shot from his DUI. And this scene is actually included in the body of the movie in the unrated version. Nothing about it makes for a very good screencap, though, so here’s Jayma Mays again:

Caption contributed by Jordon Davis

Aw, she’s cute.

Gibson explains his situation: “Glug glug, vroom vroom, whooo!” Yep, that’s a fair summary of the actual incident. Gibson gets up and stands in front of Penn. “Listen, sugartits, FYI, I like to sleep in the buff.” The actor’s attempt at an Australian accent is atrocious. Perhaps this is what Penn is thinking when he kicks Mel in the crotch, and we go back to the credits.

And that’s it. Really.

Really really. I swear.

I’m looking at the copyright notice. Nothing comes after the copyright notice, right? I’ll keep watching to be sure. Next on Cinemax is the foreign drama Te Doy Mis Ojos.

It’s over. It’s over. I’m gonna go hug my kids.

Jordon Davis

B.A. Political Science, SUNY Albany - 1991
Master of Public Administration, University of Georgia - 1993
Juris Doctorate, Emory University - 1996

Admitted:
State of Georgia - 1996
State of New York - 1997

Winner:
Fields Medal (with Laurent Lafforgue and Vladimir Voevodsky) - 1998

Follow Jordon at @LossLeader on Twitter.

Multi-Part Article: Epic Movie (2007)
Tag: Seltzerberg Films

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