Epic Movie (2007) (part 10 of 11)

A long fade comes up on a shining sun. The four orphans climb into view, dressed in their Narnia Battle outfits from the real movie. They look out across the battlefield, only to find it empty. “Where is everybody?” Peter asks. And then we see the rock he’s standing on, which is only about a foot high, and it’s in the middle of an open field. He just now noticed that they’re entirely alone?

Kal blames the sudden defection on the fact that Susan puked on everyone. You mean, they’ll follow four morons to their deaths because of a prophesy, but not if it involves vomit? Those are some fickle rebels.

Susan observes that they may be outnumbered. The long shot now shows an army of thousands at the other end of the clearing, stacked ten deep. It’s really a large crowd, but I suspect the shot was accomplished with CGI trickery. I’m pretty sure the directors don’t know this many people. All close-ups show something like twenty soldiers, about three deep. So in that respect, this is just like Braveheart.

In an unintentional bit of comedy, one of the soldiers is growling and shaking his scythe, which causes the edge of the (obviously rubber) blade to wobble. I’ll take it because, at this point, unintentional comedy is the only comedy I’m going to get.

It’s time for Peter’s big heroic moment. Accordingly, he goes white, begins to cluck, and turns to flee, showing off his chicken wings. I try to care, and fail. Peter gets about ten steps away before he stops himself, looks pensive, and tells us he’s not running anymore. Then he reaches behind his back and, ugh, pulls off his chicken wings. Removing one’s wings is a stolen bit from Dogma, by the way. Again, if you’re going to steal, guys, at least do it from movies your target audience hasn’t seen repeatedly.

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Peter marches back to the others purposefully. He says they don’t have the numbers, or the weapons that the White Bitch’s army has, but they “have something far more powerful!” Lucy fills in helpfully, “Perky breasts?” Peter wisely ignores this joke, as will I. He finishes, “The strength of our family!”

Kal Penn chimes in, “I’ll follow you anywhere, brother!” They all draw their swords, and Susan brandishes her bow.

Caption contributed by Jordon Davis

Good brandishing, Susan.

Across the clearing, the White Bitch raises her scepter, and prepares to give the order to charge. It was nice of her to wait until Peter finished making his speech. But she sees something out of the corner of her eye that stops her in her tracks. It turns out to be a giant waterwheel rumbling across the field. Yes, just like in Dead Man’s Chest.

Captain Jack is running atop the wheel, shouting, “Revenge is [pause for Darrell Hammond to do some shtick] mine! Payback is a bitch, White Bitch!” They cut back to the White Bitch and, for no reason, her head is now made up like Davy Jones, complete with face tentacles that move, sort of. She clenches her fist and announces to nobody, “You owe me your soul, Jack Swallows, and now it’s time to pay up!”

The space-time continuum has been ruptured again. In a long shot, the White Bitch (as Davy Jones) has an organ in front of her, and she plays a funeral march with her tentacles. Then a rap song breaks out. Again. It seems this movie is now stealing from itself.

The rap song is Bubba Sparxxx’s “Ms. New Booty”, a catchy little number, and now the Bitch’s tentacles are scratching a record on a turntable. Then there’s a shot of her tentacles on a mixing board. She’s holding earphones to one squid-like ear, and pumping her fist. Back in the long shot, the Bitch is standing on a DJ platform, with huge speakers on either side of her. She’s “raising the roof” while Bink stands in front, doing his dwarf best to dance. Her twenty-man army, behind her, is also dancing. And once again, this movie has completely emptied my mind of coherent thought.

Caption contributed by Jordon Davis

What… the… hell…

We are so far away from spoof here. For a moment, there were a few references to the Pirates movies, but now they’re all dancing. I mean, everybody is dancing. The four orphans are dancing. Two of the Bitch’s men are breakdancing. Darrell Hammond is dancing. How is this amusing? It’s not even coherent.

The record scratches to a stop, and the Bitch pulls the octopus off her head. She throws it at Swallows, and somehow it lands on his face. Yes, she just tossed an octopus across a field hard enough and high enough to hit a guy standing atop a massive waterwheel. Somebody sign her to the Jets. They need a passing game.

The octopus attacks Swallows’ face as he continues to run on top of the waterwheel. This causes him and the wheel to miss the queen’s army entirely, and go rolling off back into the forest. And this shot actually looks okay. The army is back to a thousand men, at least, and the wheel makes a convincing track in the grass. It’s still surprising when something in this movie doesn’t suck.

Caption contributed by Albert

The big wheel may keep on turning, but Mary’s not too proud about it.

Watching Swallows roll off into the distance, the orphans are understandably upset that he was completely useless to them. Kal Penn sneers, “What a tool.” Right back at ya, Kal.

The White Bitch has returned her attention to the orphans. “Show them no mercy!” Finally, her army of twenty non-cardboard soldiers attacks. The orphans cry havoc and rush towards the enemy, which grows to about a hundred guys. Here’s a good tip for all you budding filmmakers on a budget: only pay for extras on the days you absolutely need them. Everything else, you can do in post.

They’re all rushing towards each other. The first wave of the queen’s soldiers runs by the camera, and the second line includes four Star Wars stormtroopers. Hilarious! Now we see Susan rushing with her bow. Susan… the archer… is rushing into battle. She knows that thing can be used from a distance, right? Well, I’ll at least give her credit for inventing new and amazing ways to demonstrate stupidity.

The four orphans finally meet the army in the middle of the battlefield. A soldier throws his axe and… it hits Lucy square in the chest and she drops dead. Well, that was refreshing. The writers did something unexpected. It took them until the fifth act, but they did it.

Four archers stop, aim and shoot. They hit Susan and kill her. They also hit her with seven arrows, which just goes to show that these guys are some pretty skillful archers.

Kal Penn swings his sword in a wide arc, misses everything, and ends up burying his sword in his own shoulder. Then Bink knifes him in the ‘nads. Penn falls to the ground, and Bink taunts him with, “Take that, Kumar!” Uh, guys? You already made the Harold & Kumar reference. Do you not remember your own movie?

Peter stops when he sees his siblings strewn dead across the battlefield. There are no soldiers around them, and there’s nobody near Peter, either. In fact, all of the soldiers have grouped themselves in a tight line, and are looking menacingly at Peter. I’d love to get a copy of the rules of engagement for this battle. It must read like Gravity’s Rainbow.

The White Bitch makes her way through her soldiers until she’s facing Peter alone. And I really have to wonder, why is she taking the fight with Peter so personally? This battle is actually the first time she’s even met him. He runs at her with a slow motion, “NOOOOOOO!” He swings and hits her scepter. She pulls it back and stabs him with it.

Peter falls to the ground in slow motion. He’s holding his stomach with one hand, and trying to crawl away. “Yes,” the Bitch purrs, “Yes, that’s right. Grovel.” Um, he’s not groveling, he’s trying to get away. Also, just kill him. But she wants him to grovel “just like your parents did before I killed them!” Hey, now that’s just plain mean. I can see why people call her a bitch.

Caption contributed by Jordon Davis

“Before you kill me, I’ve just got to know: What is that thing on your head?”

While he’s still crawling away, Peter’s hand brushes against something. He grabs it instinctively and looks at it. It’s… it’s…

It’s the remote from Adam Sandler’s Click. Oh, this is just stupid. I can’t even make a joke about it. It’s just that stupid.

Can you guess what happens next? Yes. Yes, you can. Just as the Bitch is about to stab him again, Peter aims the remote at her and hits the pause button, and she and everybody else freeze. Peter staggers to his feet and marvels at the motionless army.

Then Peter sees a beautiful, blond woman jogging along in a pink top and blue shorts, just like in Click. I’d wonder why she, too, isn’t frozen, but it’s close to the end of the movie and I really don’t give a damn.

Peter decides to “slow things down, have a better look.” He hits the slow motion button, and she jogs in slow motion. The directors have helpfully added a bouncy-bouncy sound effect to highlight her heaving breasts. I’m glad they did this, because otherwise I never would have noticed them. If you’d like to notice her breasts, she’s Irina Voronina, and she was in the January 2001 issue of Playboy.

Peter is very happy at this sight, until he also notices an obese, shirtless man also jogging in slow motion. The directors show an extreme close-up of his flopping man-boobs because, I guess, they hate us. Peter is disgusted, although I don’t know why. According to the scene with Mystique, the fat guy is much more his type than the Playmate.

That useless joke out of the way, Peter now wanders through the frozen army. His attention then shifts to his siblings, so he pushes a button on the remote to heal their injuries. I’m not embellishing, by the way. The little window on the remote actually says “Heal Injuries”.

Caption contributed by Jordon Davis

I think McCoy could control Spock with this thing.

The three orphans wake up. Lucy pulls the axe from her chest, and Susan plucks out the arrows. The remote also seems to have healed their clothing, which is pretty handy. They all run happily to Peter, with none of them seeming the slightest bit confused at this turn of events. But then again, they’ve all been pretty blasé about everything that’s happened up until now, so why should I expect anything less? Peter yells, “Let’s get ‘em!” and they charge the unmoving army.

What follows is an orgy of blood, or what would have been an orgy of blood if this movie hadn’t been going for a PG-13. Peter hacks away at several soldiers with his sword, and they fall to the ground because, even when you’re frozen in time, death makes you fall down. Susan shoots an arrow, which bounces harmlessly off a soldier’s helmet. She looks upset and runs towards him. Then, thanks to sloppy editing, she breaks a bottle over a completely different soldier’s head, which has the end result of killing Helmet Guy.

Lucy waves her wand, and a soldier disappears in a puff of smoke. Wait, Lucy had a wand? I guess, technically, this is a callback to the training she got from Preggers Hermione, but if she had a magic wand all this time, why did she wait until now to use it?

Kal Penn rushes at Bink and swings his sword, but it bounces off Bink’s shield. This infuriates Penn, so he begins pounding away at the shield. Bink is completely frozen, and many parts of him aren’t his shield, and those parts would make excellent targets, but Penn appears not to notice.

Now we come to what may be the single most egregious stolen joke in the entire movie. Peter rushes at a soldier in a full suit of armor. He hacks at one arm, which falls off. Then he hacks at the other arm, which also obligingly falls off. Then they show a shot of the armless knight, which is obviously stolen from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It honestly feels like a personal insult to see the Python movie debased in this way. It’s like watching political candidates eat funnel cakes. Don’t just co-opt funnel cakes for your crowd-pandering campaign purposes, because funnel cakes are a delicious treat. Just like John Cleese. He’s a delicious treat.

Caption contributed by Jordon Davis

“O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow the directors of Epic Movie to tiny bits, in thy mercy.”

Kal Penn has given up on uselessly hitting Bink’s shield. He says, “I’m gonna enjoy this,” and then he pulls out a Mexican wrestling mask, just like in his Nacho Libre introduction. He puts it on, yells gutturally, and tackles Bink. Just before he hits him, the directors show a closeup of Bink looking fearful. So, all in all, I don’t think the rules for being frozen in time are entirely consistent in this movie.

Lucy magic wands four more soldiers in a row, and each one disappears in a puff of smoke. More accurately, each cardboard cutout gets pulled down, while a small smoke pot goes off. Hey, you have to cut corners when you spend most of your budget on indoor-grown Northern Lights.

The four orphans come together to dispatch the last person standing: the White Bitch. She probably should have been the first one they killed. She probably should have been the only one they killed. Murdering defenseless extras and midgets doesn’t seem particularly heroic to me.

Unfortunately for his immortal soul, only now does Peter develop a conscience. He stops the others and speechifies, “We will not stoop to her level!” Guys, you already did. Remember all the defenseless people you just killed?

“The new Gnarnia will be a democracy,” Peter continues, “complete with due process! She shall be given a fair trial, judged by a jury of her peers—” Mid-sentence, the waterwheel barrels right over the White Bitch, making Peter’s rhetoric entirely moot. Once again, this effect looks great. I hope the guys who created the waterwheel get jobs doing real movies someday.

Upon seeing this, Peter gives up entirely. “Ah, screw her, anyway.” Wow, it’s like he’s reading my mind!

Jordon Davis

B.A. Political Science, SUNY Albany - 1991
Master of Public Administration, University of Georgia - 1993
Juris Doctorate, Emory University - 1996

Admitted:
State of Georgia - 1996
State of New York - 1997

Winner:
Fields Medal (with Laurent Lafforgue and Vladimir Voevodsky) - 1998

Follow Jordon at @LossLeader on Twitter.

Multi-Part Article: Epic Movie (2007)

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