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Let Happy Help You Make A Herring Sandwich In Honor of Saint Joan Of Arc

Look at those crazy eyes.

Look at those crazy eyes.

Joan of Arc, whose feast day is May 30, is the patron saint of France, martyrs, women soldiers, and Happy Nice Time People because she was a downright catty bitch.  A few years before being burned at the stake for heresy, she impressed French leaders with a prophecy that came to fruition in the Battle of the Herrings. To honor St. Joan and commemorate that pivotal event in her life, let’s have a herring sandwich (if such a thing does not appeal to you, try it while flavor tripping).

But first, some history:  Joan was born in the midst of the Hundred Years’ War to a farming family in a remote village that was loyal to France despite being in English-controlled territory. Occasionally, the English would raid the village, in typical 15th century shock-and-awe style. So, starting at a young age, she learned through experience that the English were a bunch of dicks. Around the age of 12, she began to hear the voices of St. Michael the Archangel (defend us in battle), St. Margaret, and St. Catherine (at least one of those saints was actually a real person who lived on earth). Among other things, they told her to cut her hair, dress like a man, and drive the English out of France, at least out of Reims so the French dauphin could be crowned in the traditional place.

Naturally, when she first approached some French nobleman/military leader (not sure, but we think his name was Sulzberger), he was like, “I don’t take advice from people with vaginas.” But Joan was undeterred. She made friends with some of that guy’s underlings, because she was a really good ball-breaker, and these grunts could appreciate that. They got her another audience with the nobledude, and she said, “Look asshole, right fucking now some bad shit is going down for the French forces.” Which brings us to the Battle of the Herrings (the bad shit going down for French forces).

The English were sending a bunch of supplies to their army that was conducting a siege at Orleans. The supplies included barrels of herring for which the skirmish was named. The wagons with herring were guarded by the Knights who say Ni. A joint French and Scottish force planned to attack the convoy, in the hopes that the lack of supplies would end the siege. The attack was a disaster; the Scots rushed the English position too hastily, and the French stood around and pissed their pants at the thought of engaging in battle. (We’re not sure if this event is the source or just an example of stereotypes of those two nationalities.)

When news about the battle got back to the nobleman who had dismissed Joan, he realized that that catty bitch actually knew what she talking about. He sent her to the dauphin, who had some monks or priests do a background check to make sure she was getting her intel from Heaven and not from witchcraft. They determined that she was righteous, if a little crazy.

You know the rest: for the next two years she was a great French military strategist and morale booster. She was integral in taking Reims back from the English and lifting the siege from Orleans. She was captured by the English, who convicted her of heresy in a kangaroo court and burned her at the stake. Her cattiness was on display at the trial. When asked what language the voices used to speak to her, she said, “Better French than you can speak, you limey twit.” (Pretty sweet burn for an illiterate peasant.) By some accounts, she was even more of a morale booster for the French after she was martyred.

burned at the stake

Herring Sandwich

Assemble the sandwich in the order presented here:

  • One slice of hearty bread (Rye would be best, but we used whole wheat)
  • One can of kipper snacks (smoked herring), drained
  • Herbed Yogurt (recipe below)
  • Sliced beets
  • Pickle slices
  • Diced onion
  • One slice of hearty bread (Rye would be best but we used whole wheat)

sandwich

Herbed Yogurt

  • Plain yogurt (sour cream is fine, if you can handle it)
  • Chopped herbs that you like with fish (dill, tarragon, parsley, etc.)
  • One clove of garlic, finely minced
  • Pinch of lemon zest
  • A few drops of lemon juice
  • Black pepper

Mix it all up, and let the flavors meld.

This recipe has ended; go in peace to love and serve the Editrix.

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  • Dolmance

    This sandwich, a pillar of nastiness, sounds like a close approximation of having King Neptune ejaculate into your mouth.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      You say that like it’s a bad thing. If you could get some King Neptune ejaculate, you wouldn’t need the yogurt sauce . . .

      • Dolmance

        Cold cum is demonic. And so is that goddamn sandwich.

  • DeSwiss

    You forgot the breath mints for dessert!