Aug 16, 2013
Easy Kill (1989) (part 3 of 7)
We cut to the next morning, and Jade is squeezing some oranges. Meanwhile, Frank is shaving in the bathroom with a straight razor. This goes on at length, as we cut back and forth between Frank shaving and Jade squeezing some oranges. Look, I know this is dull, but let’s just be thankful they didn’t come up with more stupid dialogue to pass the time instead, okay?
Frank cuts himself, then finds a first aid kit in the bathroom and pulls out a Band-Aid. I’m sure this all seems rather pointless, but actually we’ll see a reason for this scene a little later. Not a good reason by any stretch of the imagination, but a reason, nonetheless.
Frank comes out of the shower. He asks Jade what her husband does and she replies that he’s a "diplomat." Frank says, "As in, State Department?" Um, what other kind of diplomats are there?
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Jade reveals that Alex is a trade attaché in Peru, inspiring Frank to muse about the class sensibilities of diplomats:
| Frank: Since when did diplomats go around killing their wives? I always thought the upper echelon was removed from such primitive instincts.
Jade: I’m sorry I told you anything.
She says she doesn’t know where Alex is, but they have a house in "the mountains" and maybe he’s there. Not to nitpick, but wouldn’t that preclude him from trying to run Frank down the previous night?
Here Jade expresses her dissatisfaction with the décor. Apparently it was Alex’s idea, and he likes everything white… "Snow white". I guess this is meant to be dramatic, because the scene ends on that line.
We next see Frank opening a closet. Jade tells Frank to help himself to Alex’s white shirts. "You’re about his size," she says. How convenient, huh? And is this really wise, to not only stay overnight in the house of a guy who’s tried to run you over, but to wear his shirts, too? I mean, at this point Frank is just asking for it.
"I hate to admit it," Frank says, "but the guy’s got style." Yes, it takes real taste to buy twenty white dress shirts that are absolutely identical to each other.
The camera makes a point of showing us three briefcases at the bottom of Alex’s closet. From the way this is cut it’s impossible to tell if Frank has seen them, too. We get what looks like a POV shot of him looking at the bottom of the closet, but when we cut back to Frank he’s not even looking in that direction. Nice editing.
Frank pulls out some clothes, and then takes off his robe and… Eeegah!! We’re treated to a sight of Frank Stallone in his tidy whities!! Ahhhh!! My eyes!
Thankfully, this is replaced a second later by Jane Badler in her bra and panties, surreptitiously dressing in front of an open doorway so that Frank has a nice clear view. Of course, she’s putting on white clothes, which is rather odd given her disgust for Alex’s taste in décor.
We hear a beep, and Jade informs Frank that there’s somebody at the gate. She turns on a closed circuit TV, connected to a security camera at the gate. The man down at the gate informs her through the intercom that he’s Officer Johnson with the FBI. What? An “officer” in the FBI? Again, this isn’t an American production, but how much time would it have taken to discover that the people who work for the FBI are called “agents”?
Jade doesn’t want to let them in (she thinks Alex may have sent them), but Frank tells her to do it. "When they come through the door," he says, "I’ll check their ID." Oh yes, that’s reassuring.
The officers approach Frank and ask if he’s Alex Anderson. Frank tells them that his name is Frank Davis (even though every time we see his name written, including the closing credits, it’s always "Frank Davies").
The other officer is named Swain. Frank walks them both over to Jade. Officer Johnson holds up a mugshot and asks Jade if she’s ever seen the guy before. I’ve seen this movie a few times now (not something I’m proud of), but I still have no clue who the guy in the mugshot is supposed to be. If I had to make a guess, I’d say it was some guy who worked behind the scenes on this movie and wanted to get his face on screen in some way, though I’m sure he lived to regret that decision. Either way, Jade says she’s never seen him before.
Johnson asks where Jade’s husband is, but she doesn’t know. She says she hasn’t seen him in two days, because he’s with the State Department. "Washington?" Johnson asks. For someone who’s supposed to work for the FBI, Johnson doesn’t seem to be that knowledgeable about the government.
The guy playing Johnson, needless to say, is awful. Everything he says sounds like an accusation. For instance, when Jade says again she doesn’t know where Alex is, he sneers, "You don’t know," bobbing his head up and down. Jade explains her lack of knowledge by admitting she’s having "marital problems", to which Johnson replies "I see," with that same sneering tone. My guess is that this line was supposed to be delivered with a trace of compassion, but neither the director nor the actor playing Johnson understood that.
Now it’s Officer Swain’s turn to pointlessly repeat a question. He holds up the mugshot again and says "Are you sure you don’t know this guy?" Frank steps forward and points out that Jade already said no. Swain hands the mug shot to Frank and says, "Well, maybe you do." How would that even be possible?
Frank says he’s never seen the guy, and then tosses the mugshot on the floor [!]. I guess this was supposed to make Frank look "tough", but he just comes across as a world-class prick. Johnson explains that Alex is wanted in connection with two "narcotic-related homicides". According to Johnson, they found "a brief case. [long pause] Empty. [long pause] Your husband’s name was on the airline tag." I guess Alex didn’t feel that leaving his name at the scene of two murders was a bad idea. (By the way, in the first scene we got a good look at that briefcase. There was no airline tag on it.)
They want to know when Alex is getting back, but Jade doesn’t know. Finally, they give up and leave. As they walk out, Officer Swain and Frank exchange some witty banter about his gun:
| Swain: It’s Frank, right?
Swain: You got a license for that piece?
Frank: I’m an ex-cop.
Swain: Oh, a good guy, huh?
Frank: Yeah, I try.
After they leave, there’s a big acting moment where Frank angrily confronts Jade and demands to know what’s going on. Needless to say, this won’t be on Frank Stallone’s career highlight reel.
Then the phone rings. From the badly overdubbed voice on the other line, we know that it’s Alex. Jade informs him that "the FBI were here." Now, here’s another sign that this film is not a homegrown American production. Nobody in America says, "The FBI were here". We say the FBI was here. But given the glossy dollar bills and the FBI "officers", I’d say this was the least egregious of their errors.
Jade asks Alex where he is, but Alex says that she knows where he is, and that she’s the only one who knows where he is. Frank picks up another phone (which, oddly, is about ten feet away from the phone Jade is using) and listens in.
Jade says she told the FBI nothing, but that they found his briefcase. "You say anything," he tells her, "and I’ll kill you." Then he hangs up. "Oh god, what am I gonna do," Jade says, in a rather bored tone of voice for someone whose life has just been threatened by an international drug smuggler.
Frank says he has to go to the bar and open up, but Jade doesn’t want him to leave. He says he’ll be back at six, because Eddie is working the late shift. Frank slowly (and I mean slowly) drives off, as Jade watches him leave on the security camera. Then, we see a slight smile come across her face. Hmmm… Could she be up to something? (Cue ominous music.)
We’re back at "Frank’s", and it’s 6 o’clock. Frank is behind the bar as Eddie walks in. Frank’s pissed because Eddie’s five minutes late. See, he really, really wants to get back to Jade’s place.
When Eddie asks where Frank is going, Frank replies, "Out." Eddie says, "Must you elaborate all the time?" Ah, the comedic charm of Cameron Mitchell.