Duggars sell baby-making machine to nice Christian family for a dozen roses and a round of mini-golf

duggars

Our dear readers love the Duggars and, therefore, so do we. Everyone damn one of them. The smart one, the funny one, the plucky underdog, the misunderstood loner, the hooker with a heart of gold, the wise-cracking raccoon, the gay one (come on, the numbers alone say there’s at least one), and 21-year-old Jessa, who is about to experience the awkward, painful disappointment that is sex between to avowed virgins on their wedding night.

How did her 19-year-old boyfriend Ben pop the question? People magazine goes right to the source for an answer that only makes sense if time travel is involved.

“A few days before, he had given me a rose and asked me out on a date for the next night,” Jessa, 21, tells PEOPLE. “But that night we had gone out with his parents and my parents. It was a surprise because I didn’t know his parents were in town. But that night he gave me a box.”

If you think an engagement ring was in that box, you are way too optimistic that this story is not going to dragged out over a full episode or even a multi-episode arc. (When your reality show stars don’t drink, fuck, or fight, you take what drama you can get.)

Instead the box had an iPad with a video of Ben, who was the one giving her the box, so why he needed to make a video I have no idea. Next thing we know Jessa is on a plane with her 20-year-old sister Jinger, and I’m sorry but “Jinger”?? The Duggars were only three/four girls into their brood when these girls were named so there were still plenty of other J-names left so what the fuck?

(Okay, clearly I know fuck-all about the Duggars if I’m bitching about their ridiculous names. I’m sure the name thing’s been covered a million times by now, but I’ve never seen the show and don’t know anything about these assholes. I’m just now trying to catch up for you, so how ‘bout a little gratitude. GEEZ.)

Anyway, the writer of this People article must have no better sense of chronology than poor Jessa because it takes another paragraph before she offhandedly mentions why Jessa is flying around Arkansas – she’s on a scavenger hunt, presumably because of something Ben said in the iPad video.

Jessa’s scavenger hunt included a trip to a miniature golf course (she had to get a hole in one to get the next clue), collecting a dozen roses from strangers in a park, taking a trolley ride while answering a quiz, and riding a train with other members of her family – until she finally reached the destination: Thorncrown Chapel, a beautiful glass chapel where [Ben] was waiting with a question, and a ring.

And thus two people you don’t know and don’t like agreed to smush their naughty bits together in the bonds of holy matrimony, just like the Bible says.

Pa Duggar is just pleased as punch:

“Ben asked me about asking Jessa to get engaged,” Jim Bob tells PEOPLE. [Holy fuck, People, we know what magazine we’re reading and we’re already deeply ashamed. You don’t have to keep rubbing it in.] “We had already talked to Jessa about this and was 100 percent on board. I told him that Michelle and I were in agreement and supportive.”

Ma Duggar was too busy peeking up the skirts of all the alleged women in a nearby public restroom to talk with reporters.

So there you go. That’s what we have to look forward to when 19 Kids and Counting this season.

(Well, except for the bit-smushing. They’ll probably edit that out.)

(Besides, he’s a 19-year-old virgin so it probably wouldn’t eat up that much screen time anyway… pretty much “ow! OW! Oh, are you done?”)

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  • Txgal

    I think you mean “peeking”, not “peaking”, unless you mean something entirely different, which would make a much more interesting story.

    • True! You’re not Stealth Mountain on twitter, are you?https://twitter.com/StealthMountain

      • Txgal

        No, I am not as dedicated or as cool as Stealth Mountain. Thanks for the Duggar updates. Without HNTP, I would never know how the religious fringe was getting along. More Sister Wives recaps, too?

  • Dea

    I love you. Thank you for feeding my train wreck obsession. I just can’t figure out a religious group who espouses “don’t drink! don’t dance!” even though they did that shit in the bible…..the hypocrisy, it burns!