Doctor Who RECAP: Trees Everywhere!!!! Aw, Forget It. (S8:E10)

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FADE IN:

INT. TARDIS

The Doctor is rambling on to himself about something or another, it really doesn’t matter, there’s actually no established reason for him to be on modern-day Earth in Trafalgar Square other than to be there when 8-year-old Maeve knocks on the TARDIS door.

MAEVE:
Hello, I’m in Mr. Pink’s class and wandered away from a field trip because he is simultaneously the most dedicated and neglectful teacher in human history. Also, an entire forest has grown up over night, covering the entire city of London.

THE DOCTOR:
(waving sonic screwdriver)
Wood! The one thing my sonic screwdriver doesn’t work on! I am utterly defeated!

MAEVE:
That was quick. Don’t you even want to hear about the psychic messages I’ve been—

THE DOCTOR:
DEFEATED, I SAY!

doctor who 8.10 doctor and maeve

The Doctor’s companions keep getting younger and younger

INT. NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM

Danny Pink and Clara are gathering up the school kids at the end of the field trip.

DANNY:
I am so lovingly devoted to each and every one of you kids! I’d do anything to protect you! I’d kill a hobo for you!

RANDOM KID:
That’s swell and all, but what about head counts and the buddy system and other commonplace, everyday safety techniques?

DANNY:
Those are for pussies. Now get out.

They open the museum door and discover the giant forest.

doctor who 8.10 outside museum

“When I said I wanted to see your bush, Clara, this isn’t really what I meant.”

DANNY:
Huh. Okay then.

CLARA:
Hey, the Doctor called! He said he’s got Maeve, who we never even noticed was missing.

DANNY:
Huh. Okay then.

CLARA:
Um, did you pop half a bottle of Xanax off screen or something?

DANNY:
What, because I’m going to react to everything with nothing more than mild sleepiness for the rest of the episode? Nah, I think it’s just because the writer was too lazy to try to come up with honest reactions to anything.

CLARA:
Oh, is that why we mention that we ought to call the kids’ parents but never actually do it? And why none of the parents ever tries calling us despite all of these brats being shown to have their own iPhones?

DANNY:
Forget the phone calls. Considering how empty the streets of downtown London are, it’s fair to assume we’re the only people left alive in the entire city.
(yawns)
Oh well, let’s go round up Maeve.

INT. MAEVE’S HOME

Apparently not everyone else is dead. At home in her apartment, Maeve’s mom is on the phone, proving that she both has and knows how to use one. But when she discovers the forest outside her door, she forgets both of these facts and rides off on her bicycle without it.

MAEVE’S MOM:
No time to check the news to see what the fuck is going on! I’ve got to pick my daughter up from her field trip!

EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE

Danny, Clara, and the kids meet up with Maeve and The Doctor. The Doctor is EXTREMELY disappointed that the eight year olds are not more impressed with his spaceship. But considering they’re not remotely frightened by or interested in the sudden magical forest, I’d say Pink has been handing out those xanax like M&Ms.

doctor who 8.10 green london

If Al Gore ruled the world…

CLARA:
What have your learned so far, Doctor? Is London under attack?

THE DOCTOR:
It’s not just London. The entire planet is suddenly covered in magic trees. It’s just like the start of the Ice Age when the glaciers suddenly showed up over night.

CLARA:
I’m pretty sure that’s not how it happened.

THE DOCTOR:
Look, I’m The Doctor, and I just declared it to be so!

CLARA:
Fine, so we study what caused the Ice Age to find out how to stop these trees?

THE DOCTOR:
No, we’ll never mention it again, which is good because in addition to being wildly stupid, it’s also not remotely related to what’s actually going on here.

CLARA:
What is going on here?

THE DOCTOR:
Something had to mess with the flow of time to make trees grow this fast!

CLARA:
Great, so let’s explore that!

THE DOCTOR:
No, we’ll never mention that again either. In fact, I’m completely defeated.

CLARA:
Should we contact UNIT or—

THE DOCTOR:
DEFEATED, I SAY.

DOCTOR WHO RECAP: Trees Everywhere!!!! Aw, Forget It. (S8:E10)

Because adding a bunch of children makes every sci-fi show better, right?

The Doctor retreats into the TARDIS and finds Maeve’s school notebook. In it, he discovers doodles of trees covering the world and a giant fireball coming from the sun to destroy the planet. The TARDIS confirms a giant fireball is, in fact, about to launch this way.

THE DOCTOR:
Clara, look! Maeve predicted this!

CLARA:
Eh, dat bitch be crazy. She hears voices. She’s even on medication for it.

THE DOCTOR:
MEDICATION?! YOU PEOPLE NEVER LEARN! NEVER MEDICATE A PERSON WHO HEARS VOICES!!! LISTEN TO THEM AND FOLLOW THEIR VISIONS AND MAKE THEM YOUR PROPHETS!!!!!!!!!!

CLARA:
Are you fucking kidding me? I get that we’re a sci-fi show and lots of supernatural shit happens here, but are we really going to freak out about properly medicating a child with schizophrenia? When did Xenu take over the TARDIS ?! All kidding aside, this is a FUCKING HORRIBLE MESSAGE for this show. There’s a big enough stigma over needing medicine for a mental illness for us to start romanticizing the “special gift” of being schizophrenic. I’m so glad I’m almost done with this show.

DANNY:
Hey, where is Maeve anyway? It’s not going to diminish anyone’s opinion of my often referenced but never demonstrated concern for these kids that I’ve now lost her twice, is it?

THE DOCTOR:
I’ve tracked her cell phone to a location 500 yards from here. Clara and I will go retrieve her.

DANNY:
There we go mentioning cell phones again without anyone actually bothering to call it.

Clara and The Doctor wander off to find Maeve, narrowly escaping being crushed by a cartoon—er, CGI—no, I take it back, it’s clearly a cartoonstatue that falls due to tree growth.

CLARA:
I’m scared!

THE DOCTOR:
Great. Just announce your emotions, why don’t you. Who wrote this shit?

Frank Cottrell Boyce, for the record.

CLARA:
But don’t you see? I never get scared!

THE DOCTOR:
What are you talking about? You get scared all the time, but you muster up the courage to do what needs to be done. That’s a major plot point in, like, half your episodes.

CLARA:
I’m not sure Frank Cottrell Boyce has ever actually watched Doctor Who before.

Clara and The Doctor stumble across some government-type people (Military? Firefighters? Tax auditors? Not important) in hazmat suits with flamethrowers.

GOVERNMENT-TYPE PERSON:
The trees don’t catch fire!

THE DOCTOR:
Fire needs oxygen. Trees emit trace amounts of oxygen. Ipso facto, the trees can control oxygen in a way that makes them fireproof!

Hearing this explanation, all the actors playing government-type people immediately quit and are never seen again.

CLARA:
Trees with their own fire suppression systems. I can’t help but feel Smokey the Bear has been lying to me all these years.

The Doctor and Clara find Maeve, but then they hear wolves…

THE DOCTOR:
The trees must have broken open the cages at the zoo!

CLARA:
Okay, fine, wolves don’t actually attack people unless they’re starving because they don’t look at animals our size as food. And even if they did want to eat people, surely they’d come across someone else before they made it all the way to Trafalgar Square.

THE DOCTOR:
Look, it turned out the trees weren’t actually that menacing so the writer had throw in some other bullshit. Now shut up and run!

They do… but they get cornered.

THE DOCTOR:
I’m utterly defeated!

CLARA:
Daleks and Cybermen are no problem, but wolves and trees—

THE DOCTOR:
DEFEATED, I SAY.

Suddenly the wolves run away on their own because… are you fucking with me?… up walks a TIGER.

"Do I have something in my teeth?"

“Do I have something in my teeth?”

THE DOCTOR:
I’m utterly defeated! Again! Goodbye, Clara! Goodbye, cruel universe!

But Danny Pink shows up and saves the day—by using a mirror to flash light in the tiger’s eyes.

TIGER:
Eeeeengh! Stop it, guys! I’m serious! That’s so annoying!

The tiger leaves.

THE DOCTOR:
Damn it, I’m bound and determined to be utterly defeated at some point this episode.

CLARA:
Well, that was a great steaming pile of nothing in the middle of the script. Now we’re all back together again, just like we were 15 minutes ago, having achieved nothing, lost nothing, done nothing.

THE DOCTOR:
If that sort of thing bothers you, you’re in for a major disappointment later.

Maeve starts playing invisible castanets.

doctor who 8.10 maeve waves

“Do you know ‘The Girl from Ipanema’?”

THE DOCTOR:
She’s getting a message from the trees!

DANNY:
Are you sure she’s not just crazy? She’s been hearing voices ever since her older sister disappeared.
(pause)
Sorry, it was important to cram that plot point in there. Carry on.

THE DOCTOR:
She’s obviously surrounded by unseen intelligent creatures. I should be able to make these creatures visible and allow them to talk to us by…
(checks script, sighs heavily)
…increasing the gravity in this area.

A wave of the sonic screwdriver later, and a bunch of tiny dots of light appear in the air. Sure enough, they start talking through the world’s worst Darth Vader voice modulator.

TINY DOTS OF LIGHT:
Flirbah brum ska edfir aflalds thafa fwot eafasf nafothe afl laf ofo.

CLARA:
And I thought the new Doctor was hard to understand.

Fortunately, whatever the hell they said turns out to be entirely irrelevant.

THE DOCTOR:
Do I finally get to be utterly defeated?

CLARA:
Okay, fine, if the Earth is about to be destroyed, I guess we ought to rescue as many humans as we can in the TARDIS.

Everybody returns to the TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR:
Okay, let’s get the children inside.

CLARA:
Nah, they’d just miss their parents for the rest of their lives.

THE DOCTOR:
So, what… fuck ‘em then?

CLARA:
Pretty much. Did I mention that I firebomb orphanages in my spare time? It’s the only humane thing to do.

THE DOCTOR:
Well, let’s at least get you and Pink in the TARDIS so you can go off somewhere and repopulate the human race.

CLARA:
Nah, he’d never leave the children.

THE DOCTOR:
Just you then?

CLARA:
Nah, I’d never want to be the last of my race.

THE DOCTOR:
Okay, some other random people?

CLARA:
NO, THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE MUST DIE! BWAHAHAHAHA!

THE DOCTOR:
Well, you probably know best. Bye!

The Doctor flies off in the TARDIS. Leaving the entire human race to die. YES, REALLY.

THE DOCTOR:
Wait! I just realized something!

The Doctor returns.

THE DOCTOR:
The trees are creating a giant bubble of oxygen between Earth and the giant space fireball!

CLARA:
Oh, no! All that extra oxygen should make the explosion that much bigger when it reaches Earth, ensuring our destruction!

THE DOCTOR:
Well, yeah. But let’s ignore that and pretend it’ll act like an airbag!

CLARA:
Airbags have nothing to do with stopping fire. This would be more like grandpa smoking a cigarette through a hole in his oxygen mask. Ka-boom.

THE DOCTOR:
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother saving you people.

CLARA:
You’re not saving us. In fact, you’re telling us that this entire episode is irrelevant because the problem was going to take care of itself without our involvement anyway.

THE DOCTOR:
Here’s something we can do: place a phone call to every phone in the world simultaneously telling people not to harm the trees before they block the giant space fireball for you.

CLARA:
Why don’t we get the school kids to write the phone message and one of them can place the call? It’s a class project!

THE DOCTOR:
No reason we shouldn’t leave this in the hands of children. And time isn’t of the essence or anything.

The school kids come up with the perfect, cute, charming message, and Maeve reads it because that’s exactly the kind of gravitas required for a call of this importance. I’m barely even being sarcastic because the fireball is 10 minutes away by now so no one has a chance to react to the call anyway.

INT. TARDIS

Clara and The Doctor watch from space as the giant oxygen cushion stops the giant solar flare from penetrating the Earth’s atmosphere. Then all the trees magically dissolve into dust and blow away… somewhere.

CLARA:
Wow, that was pointless. The only way it could be any stupider is you told us the entire human race would forget the entire thing by tomorrow.

THE DOCTOR:
About that—

CLARA:
You’re fucking kidding me.

THE DOCTOR:
Nope. Apparently this happens every hundred years or so, and the entire human race forgets every time.

CLARA:
What about the escaped zoo animals, and fallen statues, and widespread destruction caused by the trees all over the world? I’m guessing no fewer than a million people died in building collapses alone, not to mention car crashes, airplanes that suddenly have no runways, etc.

THE DOCTOR:
Umm… you’ll forget that too.

CLARA:
Great. Nothing we did mattered, and now we’re going to forget it ever happened. We might as well wake up and discover the entire episode was a dream.

EXT. MAEVE’S HOME

Maeve’s mom, having bicycled to Trafalgar Square rather than the museum for some reason, has been reunited with her child and takes her home. Outside the apartment building is a rhododendron bush, which suddenly evaporates revealing the missing sister!

MAEVE’S MOM:
So… did the trees kidnap you? Or did they just bring you home and convince you to stand in the bush and wait for the big reveal? Or what?

We’ll never know. Nor do we care.

INT. EPILOGUE

Danny and Clara are hanging out.

CLARA:
Still on Xanax?

DANNY:
Well, I’ve discovered you’ve been lying to me for months about hanging out with the Doctor and I’m just going to shrug it off, so you tell me.

CLARA:
Fuck it. Next episode I’m going to be a villain.

END.

TV Show: Doctor Who
Tag: Doctor Who

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  • Cy Chase

    Some real high point in Doctor Who Science this episode, I see.

    • Earle

      If by “high point” you refer to needing to be high for this to make any sense, I agree!

  • guppy06

    Speaking of giant fireballs from the sun, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!Or experience some radio blackouts and see some auroras. I get confused easily when I’m off my meds.

  • George

    Doctor, Doctor burning dimIn a story wan and thin….(sigh…that’s as much of a “rhyme” as this one deserves)

    • DrShitferbrains

      That’s just how the Scots do the doctor.

  • DrShitferbrains

    That danny is the kind of character who should get hit by car.