Doctor Who RECAP: That's no moon, that's a space... egg?? (S8:E7)

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FADE IN:

INT. TARDIS

Courtney—the rebellious 15-year-old girl whom The Doctor impetuously took on a joy ride in the TARDIS last week—is depressed because The Doctor won’t accept her Facebook friend request. So Clara hauls Courtney into the TARDIS so The Doctor can soothe the teen’s fragile ego.

THE DOCTOR:
You’re a worthless little shit. I hope you die in a fire.

CLARA:
No! Bad Doctor! Tell her she’s special!

THE DOCTOR:
You want her to feel special? Fine, let’s take her to the year 2049 so she can become the first woman to walk on the moon… just seconds before a female astronaut who trained her entire life for that milestone was about to do it.

CLARA:
First off, that’s not anything close to what I asked for. Second, I’m not sure if I could think of a bigger dick move if you gave me six weeks to plan and the entire cast of Jackass to help carry it out.

THE DOCTOR:
Too late, we’re here.

They leave the TARDIS and find themselves in a space shuttle about to land on the moon despite the fact that no one’s got a space shuttle anymore and, even if they did, space shuttles can’t get to the moon.

THE DOCTOR:
Hey, look, the human race’s entire remaining arsenal of nuclear warheads.

The entire three person crew of the space shuttle walks in despite the fact that the shuttle is current in the process of landing on the moon, or possibly crashing into it, but either way, you’d think that’d require someone’s attention.

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
Who the hell are you?

THE DOCTOR:
I’m a super intelligent alien being who flies around in time and space.

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
I am entirely content with that answer and have no further questions.

COURTNEY:
You must be the woman astronaut who’s place in history I’m here to steal.

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
And you are?

CLARA:
She’s a 15-year-old student, I’m her teacher, and we’re here on a school trip.

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
For some reason, I’m also entirely content with that answer and have no further questions.

THE DOCTOR:
Look, I have a yo-yo! Like Tom Baker!

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
Then you’ve probably realized that the moon has suddenly and inexplicably gained 6.5 sextillion tons of mass and now has Earth-like gravity.

THE DOCTOR:
Yeah, that’s the kind of thing you just have to let go if you’re going to watch low-budget sci-fi on TV.

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
No, that’s not a snarky complaint; it’s an actual plot point. The moon really has gotten super heavy and it’s causing massive devastation all over the planet Earth!

THE DOCTOR:
So you brought the nukes here to blow up the moon?

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
No, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Every nuke on Earth, even if they’d fit in a space shuttle, might cause extreme surface damage to the moon but would not have any effect on its structural integrity. And even if we could shatter the moon to bits, it wouldn’t have any effect on the overall mass or its gravitation pull.

The Doctor subtly gestures for Captain Lundvik to check the script.

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
(sighs)
Yes, we’re here to blow up the moon. But first, let’s go investigate a Mexican mining operation that mysteriously went silent 10 years ago but no one ever cared about enough to check on because… Mexico, I guess?!

INT. MEXICAN MINING OUTPOST ON THE MOON

Giant spiders attack!

THE DOCTOR:
Those aren’t spiders! They’re super-sized germs!

CLARA:
What in the fuck are you talking about? They’re clearly spiders. They spin webs and everything.

Courtney kills the giant spiders/germs with a spray bottle of Windex.

COURTNEY:
Apparently I’ve been watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Anyway, this episode fucking sucks and I’d like to go home now please.

THE DOCTOR:
No, but you can wait it out in the TARDIS if you’d like.

She does.

THE DOCTOR:
Look, the Mexican miners found zero minerals on the moon!

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
What the fuck does that even mean? The Mexicans are so stupid they planned, invested in, and executed up an entire mining operation ON THE MOON without bothering to check if there was anything there to be mined first? You do realize people have actually gone to the moon in real life, right? We know exactly what the surface of the moon is made of.

THE DOCTOR:
Yeah, let’s not mention that plot point again.
(pause)
Look, these photos of the moon’s surface show that all the canyons and crevices on the moon have grown much, much bigger than they were!

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
And no one on Earth noticed that when they were planning this whole “nuke the moon” mission? Did every telescope on the planet simultaneously break?

THE DOCTOR:
Oh for two. Hmm…
(pause)
Look, amniotic fluid! Just inches under the moon’s surface! I recognize it by sight, apparently. That can only mean the moon is a giant egg that’s about to hatch!

CLARA:
This really is the stupidest fucking episode ever. Is it too late to just wait this one out in the TARDIS with Courtney?

THE DOCTOR:
Yes, because I’m kicking Courtney out and stranding all of you here on the moon until your inevitable deaths in one hour when either 1) the egg finally cracks apart, killing you, or 2) you pull a Bruce Willis and sacrifice yourself in a nuclear blast to kill the creature and stop it from hatching. Peace out, suckers!

The Doctor leaves in the TARDIS.

COURTNEY:
What in the fuck just happened?

CLARA:
The Doctor wants humanity to solve this moral dilemma on our own.

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
What moral dilemma? If we allow the outer shell of the moon to break apart, the pieces might fall to earth and wipe out all life! Ignore the fact that my original plan was to nuke the moon into pieces! It’s suddenly bad for the moon to fall apart! BAD!!!!!!!!!!

CLARA:
Yeah, I’m also having trouble seeing how this is dilemma. Endangering the lives of all seven billion humans, plus every member of every other species on Earth, just to protect this one space embryo. It’s really a no-brainer.

EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH:
Yes. No-brainer. Kill it.

No, really. Clara sends a message to the entire planet of Earth to turn their lights out if they should kill the creature, and out the window she sees every light in every city in every nation around the world go out… and I swear to you this really does happen in this episode.

CAPTAIN LUNDVIK:
Okay, I’m pressing the nuclear detonator in three, two, one—

CLARA:
Wait! I just remembered that good-natured ignorance always wins the day this season! Logic and rational thought are the true enemy!

CLARA presses the abort button! The TARDIS is instantly back without even making its wooooooob-woooooooob-wooooooob noise!

THE DOCTOR:
Good job, Clara! The egg hatched harmlessly and the creature flew off into space… but not before laying a new egg the exact same size, shape, mass, orbit, rotation, velocity, and appearance of the previous moon! And I swear to you this really does happen in this episode!

CLARA:
Let me get this straight. You left us to solve a moral dilemma that would lead to our deaths either way. You came back to save us only when we made the most egregiously reckless and irresponsible choice possible. The giant spiders that were actual giant germs didn’t have shit to do with anything else going on. And none of this explains the original mystery of how or why the moon could suddenly gain 81 times its original mass in the blink of an eye, because that’s not something eggs do.

THE DOCTOR:
Also, it’s going to go unsaid by anyone, including me, that killing the unborn creature would have done nothing to change the moon’s extreme mass, so 50% or more of the planet’s population would died anyway.
(pause)
Oh, by the way, I’ve suddenly developed a new superpower to close my eyes and become instantly aware of every change in the timeline we’ve caused from now until the end of the universe. It turns out that Courtney grows up to become president of the United States.

CLARA:
SHE’S BRITISH!!! THAT’S THE LAST STRAW! THIS SHOW HAS BECOME TOO OVERWHELMINGLY STUPID TO STAND! LEAVE ME OUT OF IT! I DEMAND YOU GO AWAY AND NEVER RETURN!

Clara kicks The Doctor out of her life forever, or at least until next week.

END.

Previous episodes:

S8:E6 (Still in the works)

S8:E5 Occupy Gallifrey

S8:E4 Much Ado About ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

S8:E3 Legendary Fail

S8:E2 Fail-tastic Voyage

S8:E1 Deep Breath 

TV Show: Doctor Who

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