Doctor Who RECAP: Occupy Gallifrey (S8:E5)

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INT. CLARA’S HOME

The Doctor drops by in the TARDIS, presumably to watch Orphan Black on the telly, because there’s actually no reason whatsoever for The Doctor to be there until…

TARDIS PHONE:
(ring)

CLARA:
Don’t answer it. I have a date.

THE DOCTOR:
Ignore the call to adventure? How very Joseph Campbell of you. I’m picking it up anyway.

VOICE ON PHONE:
Are you my mummy?
(pause)
Ha, ha. Just kidding. That was actually a good episode, not the piece of shit you’re about to—

INT. ILL-DEFINED LOCATION… SPACESHIP, MAYBE?

Doctor-Who time heist ill defined room

Suddenly The Doctor and Clara are in a room with two random redshirts… one’s a mutant, one’s a cyborg. No one in the room has any idea how they got there.

VOICE RECORDING:
Hello, I’m the Architect. I’m sending you to rob Gringott’s Bank for me. That’s all the exposition you’re get—

INT. BANK

Suddenly our merry band of bank robbers is inside the bank. Is this another memory loss thing? No? Just a pointlessly abrupt edit? Okay then.

MUTANT WOMAN:
I’m a shapechanger who takes the form of anyone I touch. But I can’t control it, meaning I can never touch anyone in a, uh, “romantic” way, if you know what I mean… oh, the pathos.

CYBORG GUY:
I can plug my brain into any computer, but years ago I had to delete my memories of all my friends and family to protect them, leaving me all alone in the universe… oh, the path—

EXT. BANK

Suddenly our merry band of bank robbers are… standing outside the bank? WTF?

MUTANT WOMAN:
I’ll imitate this bank official. It won’t make a damn bit of difference, but we paid a lot of money for this special effect.

The alarms sound! Bank employees bring out some sort of monster.

doctor who teller

BANK MANAGER:
This is a Teller. It can psychically “tell” if you’re planning some sort of criminal activity. It’s a pun, see?

Our would-be bank robbers look and act extremely guilty—but the Teller goes after some other random customer.

BANK MANAGER:
It seems you’re guilty of something. Now it’s time for the Teller to show the TV audience exactly what type of threat their heroes will be facing!

The Teller psychically drains the random dude’s memories, which somehow causes not only his brain to physically collapse but his skull, too… because apparently memories are what provide structural integrity to your entire head.

BANK MANAGER:
That having been established, we’ll just be goi—

INT. BANK… BUT NOT THE SAME ROOM AS BEFORE

Suddenly, our bank robbers are here, wherever here is, although fuck me if I know how or why.

THE DOCTOR:
We’re carrying a bomb, I’ve suddenly decided. And we’re supposed to blow a hole in the floor, why not?

They do.

THE DOCTOR:
Hey, look! A suitcase left here by the Architect!

MUTANT WOMAN:
With a bunch of suicide sticks. These totally annihilate whoever you jab with them. Good thing none of us will think to use them as an offensive weapon.

Doctor who bank robbers

The Doctor and Mutant Woman climb through a vent… but later Clara and Cyborg Guy meet up with them by walking around a corner so I fucking give up on trying to figure out the layout of this bank. Our heroes are just wandering around aimlessly anyway, so who really cares.

THE DOCTOR:
Oh, no! It’s one of those Teller monsters!

The Teller locks on to Mutant Woman. The Doctor has no choice but to hand her a suicide stick, and she evaporates herself.

THE DOCTOR:
Now that’s what I call Doctor-assisted suicide. Hey-oh!

CYBORG GUY:
Wow, you’re an asshole. We’d totally have a fight about it, but look! Here’s a computer terminal located in the middle of an empty underground tunnel like any bank would have! All I have to do is hook my brain into it, and I can unlock the main vault!

CLARA:
Yikes! Another Teller!

THE DOCTOR:
Everybody split up!

They scatter in different directions. The Teller follows Clara. She tries think un-guilty thoughts, but it’s no good. The monster is locked onto her!

CYBORG GUY:
Clara! I’m going to save you!

CLARA:
But The Doctor said there’s no way to save someone once the monster is locked onto them!

CYBORG GUY:
That’s because this Doctor is a lazy dipshit. I’m going to upload all the guilty thoughts of millions of criminals into my computer brain to draw the monster away from you. Good thing they keep the memories of all these criminals on the bank computer… or maybe I keep them on a flash drive in my back pocket? Eh, whatever—it’s working!

The Teller breaks off the attack on Clara, and the Cyborg Guy leads him away. At the last moment, Cyborg Guy uses the suicide stick on himself. Seriously, is nobody going to think of jabbing the damn monster instead?

THE DOCTOR:
Our cyborg friend unlocked 24 of the vault’s locks, but even my sonic screwdriver can’t open the 25th!

CLARA:
Does that mean your sonic screwdriver could have opened the first 24? Good to know we never needed either of those two other people for anything but cannon fodder.

THE DOCTOR:
And here’s another note from the Architect!

CLARA:
And I was worried you might have to figure out something on your own for once. You really are a lazy dipshit.

THE DOCTOR:
Watch it, now. I’ve still got to figure out how to get us past the lock.

Suddenly, a solar storm hits and knocks out the final lock.

CLARA:
Of course it does.

Not only that, but the solar storm somehow physically unbolts the door and swings it open.

CLARA:
You’re joking, right?

I wish.

INT. VAULT

Doctor who time heist vault

The Doctor and Clara open two safety deposit boxes listed on the Architect’s note. Inside one is a magic necklace that would have suppressed the mutant woman’s power. In the other are some magic beans that would have fixed the cyborg guy’s memories. But before they can get in the “Personal Vault” where The Doctor and Clara’s rewards are…

CLARA:
A TELLER!

THE DOCTOR:
Oh well, we’re dead. Time for suicide.

Except they’re hauled off to the bank manager’s office instead.

BANK MANAGER:
For no reason whatsoever, we have decided to change our customary method of execution from brain sucking to sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their foreheads. Naturally, I won’t be sticking around to watch. Oh, and I’m taking the monster with me. Tootles.

As soon as she leaves, the sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their foreheads turn out to be Mutant Woman and Cyborg Guy in disguise!!

MUTANT WOMAN:
The suicide sticks turned out to be teleporters! We’re alive!

THE DOCTOR:
How wonderful!

MUTANT WOMAN:
Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole would disguise a teleporter as a suicide device? I legitimately thought I was killing myself! Do you know how fucking traumatic that is? I’m going to reliving that moment every time I close my eyes for 20 years! If I ever find out who this “Architect” is, I’m going to rip his lungs out!

THE DOCTOR:
Back to the personal vault!

INT. PERSONAL VAULT

THE DOCTOR:
Wow, that was easy. Did they not lock the doors again after they caught us? Did everyone in security run out to a bar to celebrate our capture?

BANK OWNER:
Let’s just blame the solar storm.

THE DOCTOR:
What are you doing here?

BANK OWNER:
I live here. In the personal vault. Why is not important. Just go with it.

THE DOCTOR:
Shut up.

No one says anything.

THE DOCTOR:
Shut up.

No one says anything.

THE DOCTOR:
(actual line)
Shuttity up up up!

Yes, people, this is apparently what happens when the new Doctor tries to work out a clever insight on his own.

THE DOCTOR:
Only a time traveler would have known to schedule the bank robbery for the one time a solar storm knocks out the locks. Therefore, the Architect is a time traveler. I hate the Architect. I hate myself. Therefore, I’m the architect. But the phone call to the TARDIS… It couldn’t have come from myself. You must have done it!

BANK OWNER:
Me?

THE DOCTOR:
Yes! Many years from now, you’ll come to regret what you’ve been doing here. When that happens, call this number.

He gives her the number.

BANK OWNER:
Interesting theory, Mr. Time Traveler. But now it’s time for you to die. I’ve brought the Teller here to suck your brain. Was it not clear that there’s only one Teller? ‘Cause that’s kind of important.
(pause)
Oh, and the entire bank is about erupt in flames because of the solar storm. Bye!

The bank owner flees in an escape pod.

THE DOCTOR:
Teller! Lock onto me! Suck my memories! Because in my mind, you’ll see my plan! I’ve brought six teleporter sticks… one for each of my team… one for you… and one for the last female of your species who is being held captive right here in this room!

This happens. All six teleport to safety as the entire bank explodes.

INT. TARDIS

Our four bank robbers and two brain-sucking monsters head off into space.

CLARA:
Too bad we couldn’t save any of the other thousands of people in the bank when it exploded.

THE DOCTOR:
Bah, they were just a bunch of rich assholes anyway. OCCUPY GALLIFREY!

They drop the Tellers off on a planet together so they can repopulate the species. Presumably while sucking the brains of the local population for food. Because, last of their species or not, that’s kind of what they do.

doctor who tellers planet

CYBORG GUY:
So it was you who deposited the mutant-power blocker and memory restorer in the safety deposit boxes when you could have just handed them straight to us.

THE DOCTOR:
Well, I suppose, but I thought Clara—

MUTANT WOMAN:
Then, you used the TARDIS to drop off all of those briefcases for us to find inside the bank. Which means you could have just beamed the TARDIS to the spot right outside the vault at the very moment the solar storm unlocked the door. You didn’t need us at all.

THE DOCTOR:
Maybe not, but I was trying to impress Clara—

They rip his lungs out.

END.

Previous episodes:

S8:E4 Much ado about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

S8:E3 Legendary Fail

S8:E2 Fail-tastic Voyage

S8:E1 Deep Breath 

TV Show: Doctor Who
Tag: Doctor Who

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