Doctor Who RECAP: Much Ado about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (S8:E4)
The Doctor is alone and babbling.
In every single episode I get in trouble and start babbling on and on until eventually I stumble upon the solution… But why wait until I’m in trouble… What if I just start out the episode babbling… Then ipso facto I’ll stumble onto the all the secrets of the universe… For example, my fear of being alone must mean there’s something about being alone that I should be scared of… A big scary monster just behind me… Or just behind everyone… A species of creatures that is so perfectly adept at hiding that no one could ever possibly uncover its existence… Am I right???
A single word appears on The Doctor’s chalkboard!!!
Clara is on her first date with Danny Pink.
I’d kill for a glass of water.
I AM NOT A KILLER I WAS A SOLDIER WE HELPED A LOT OF PEOPLE I HATE YOU I HATE YOUR STUPID FACE!
Pft. Think you’re getting to second base with that attitude?
Clara storms off.
INT. CLARA’S BEDROOM
The TARDIS shows up and out pops The Doctor.
Every single person in human history has a nightmare that something is under their bed and then it reaches out and grabs their foot!
99.9% OF AUDIENCE:
So what? You’re not human.
Um, Gallifreyan, too. Or maybe all species. Look, this isn’t going to make a lot of sense. You’re just gonna have to go with it.
Yeah, I’ve seen Doctor Who before.
I want you to mind meld with the TARDIS so it’ll take us to the moment in your life where you had that dream!
This happens. Except that Clara is still thinking about Danny, so…
The Doctor and Clara pop out of the TARDIS.
Stay here! It’d be catastrophic if you overlapped with your own past. Did you see not that episode with Rose’s dad? It SUCKED SO HARD. No one wants that to happen again.
But I’ve never been here before!
But The Doctor has already run off. Clara looks up see Young Danny Pink waving to her out of his bedroom window.
INT. YOUNG DANNY’S BEDROOM
Clara sneaks in.
There’s a monster under the bed.
That was just a dream. Here, let’s get under the bed together so you can see it’s perfectly safe.
They do. But then… something gets on top of the bed.
Huh. For the perfect hider, this thing is very, very obvious.
I’m here now, too. Let’s all go look out the window and pointedly ignore whatever is on the bed under the blanket.
Dude, the whole reason we came here was to catch one of these things in the act.
I’ve suddenly decided it would be catastrophic. We must not look!
They head to the window, refusing to look at the creature under the blanket until it finally scurries away.
Are we safe?
Nobody’s safe. Especially not at night, in the dark.
Thanks for fucking me up for life, dick.
Oh, that’s nothing compared to this.
The Doctor psychically makes the kid go to sleep had dream of being a brave soldier, which is weird since The Doctor fucking hates soldiers, unless he already hates this kid, too. (Which actually would explain a lot that just happened.)
Okay, I’ll ask it—why is a species so absolutely perfect at hiding constantly calling attention to itself like this? Especially if the consequences of being seen are so dire?
I’ll answer that in the next scene.
Clara has The Doctor drop her off just moments after she’d stormed out on Danny on their first date.
I’m back. Let’s start over from scratch, shall we?
WHY IS THE “HAPPY” BACKGROUND MUSIC IN THIS SCENE SO ANNOYING AND HOKEY?! IS THIS A JOKE AT MY EXPENSE I HATE YOU I HATE YOUR STUPID FACE!
This time, it’s Danny who storms out. Clara has no choice but to let him go because she doesn’t want to call his attention to the dude in a full spacesuit wandering around the back of the restaurant. Although, since no one else seems to give a flip, I’m not sure why she thinks Danny would care. Apparently this happens all the time at this establishment.
Clara follows the spaceman back to the TARDIS.
That was literally the stupidest, most conspicuous way possible to summon me back here. Who is this guy anyway?
You and Danny’s great-grandson Orson. He’s the first human to attempt time travel. It doesn’t go well. I rescued him from the very end of the universe.
Then he told me to walk through a 2014 restaurant and return to him, and for some reason I said yes.
If you think that was a dick move, check this out. I’m going to return you to the end of the universe for one more night just to satisfy my own curiosity. You know, the place you just spent the last six months slowly going mad.
INT. HUMANITY’S FIRST TIME SHIP STUCK AT END OF UNIVERSE
The Doctor gets Clara and Orson to stay in the TARDIS while he waits to see if the hiding creatures are here, desperately looking for someone to hide behind.
As the only sentient being left, they should come beating down my door. Literally.
The monitor where Clara and Orson are watching The Doctor goes dead.
You have to go out there and rescue him!
Fuck that guy. He could have dropped me off in my own time if he was just going to make us wait in the TARDIS.
Orson rescues him anyway.
Oh, no! The unseen creatures that weren’t able to get through the human time ship’s door without The Doctor unlocking it for them are now suddenly able to break into the impenetrable TARDIS!
Fortunately, I’m now able to fly the TARDIS by myself using this psychic link thingy!
Clara sneaks out of the TARDIS to discover where they ended up.
UNSEEN PERSON #1:
This little boy is always so scared and lonely. He’s always hiding from the other children in the orphanage. He’s going to end up in the military at this rate. Is everyone convinced we’re talking about Young Danny yet?
UNSEEN PERSON #2:
Then it’ll blow your mind when I suggest he might become a TIME LORD!!!
The unseen people leave, and Clara climbs into a hayloft where there’s a twin bed (?) with an unseen child sleeping in it. He starts to awaken so she hides under the bed. Off in the distance, we hear the TARDIS door open and The Doctor, now conscious again, steps out. The noise awakes the child so he steps out of bed.
Instinctively, Clara GRABS HIS LEG.
This is just a dream. Go back to sleep, and I’ll whisper a bunch of things in your ear that you’ll later repeat to other people earlier in this episode. Profound stuff about fear being a powerful motivator, both mentally and biologically. Presumably this justifies why I don’t just assuage your fears by showing myself to be just a normal person when I know this moment leads to a crippling lifelong paranoia and obsession. Or maybe this is revenge for how bad you fucked up Young Danny. Either way, it’s fucking horrible of me. Oh, well.
The child goes back to sleep, and Clara runs off to stop The Doctor from coming across his younger self.
You have to trust me, Doctor. Don’t explore this place.
Is there a reason you can’t tell me why?
Absolutely none. Except that it’s a more dramatic scene that way.
Good enough for me. It’s not like it could be my homeworld of Gallifrey or anything. We all know Gallifrey is completely time locked. Absolutely nothing can get in or out at any point in the planet’s history ever again. Being able to show up there, say, 2,000 years before the war with the Daleks would be the most stunning and meaningful revelation of my entire existence, not to mention invalidating pretty much the entire modern Doctor Who era.
Yeah, I’m not sure Stephen Moffat thought this through. So, even though everything you’ve done so far has only given you more evidence that these perfectly hidden creatures exist, are you done chasing them forever?
Good. Because for NO DAMN REASON I’m not going to bother to explain to you that they don’t exist. It was me who grabbed your leg as a child. It was the collapse of the atmospheric protections that made it seem like something was trying to get inside the human time ship. It was another child in the orphanage who was hiding under the sheet as a prank.
And the message on the chalkboard?
You wrote it yourself in a clear psychotic break that we’re going to ignore entirely. Apparently I want you crazy. I may actually be the biggest villain you’ve ever faced.
All these things being left unsaid, The Doctor returns Orson and Claire to their proper times.
EXT. DANNY PINK’S HOUSE
Clara knocks on the door a few hours after their disastrous date. Danny answers.
We apparently can’t talk without pissing each other off. Normally that’s a ginormous red flag that two people shouldn’t date. I’m going to assume it means we should shut up and make out.
We are all horribly unhealthy people.
Danny gets to second base.