Doctor Who RECAP: Legendary Fail (S8:E3)

Doctor Who 8.3 Robin Hood

FADE IN:

INT. TARDIS

Clara has the opportunity to meet any historical figure in the history of all humanity, from the Buddha to the Christ and the Rock, and she chooses—

CLARA:
Santa Claus.
(pause)
No, just kidding, how ridiculous would that be. I meant Pippi Longstocking.

THE DOCTOR:
Just pick a real person before I beat Stephen Moffat to death with a shoe.

CLARA:
Look, I know Doctor Who traditionally celebrates intelligence, but that was before ignorance got such a spunky and adorable makeover in yours truly. So if I pick a fictional character at random and demand you take me there, we both know he’ll be waiting right outside the TARDIS door. Now take me to see Robin Hood!

THE DOCTOR:
Fine, but only to prove he doesn’t exist.

And off they wooooooooob-woooooooob-wooooooooob.

EXT. SHERWOOD FOREST

The TARDIS materializes directly in front of a dude with green tights and a goatee.

ROBIN HOOD:
Greetings, I am the merry prince of thieves who doth relieve the idle rich of their baubles to relieve the poor from their suffering and furthermore speaketh in the matter of seventh grade poetry. Now give me thine blue box or I shall slay thee with my blade, but don’t let that make you think I’m a bad person.

THE DOCTOR:
You may or may not be Robin Hood, but I am definitely a Gary Stu—the undefeatable master of anything the script says I am! En garde!

The Doctor whips a giant ladle out of his coat pocket and—holy shit, I wish I was kidding—proceeds to trounce Robin Hood at fencing, sword vs. spoon.

ROBIN HOOD:
For sooth! We are thereby friends and I shall take you forthwith to my secret hideout without nary a concern about it being secret or a hideout.

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN SHERWOOD FOREST

The Sheriff of Nottingham is robbing the poor, and I don’t mean robbing FROM the poor; he’s actually stealing poor people.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
How do I let the audience know just how evil I am? Sure, I’m turning all these peasants into my slaves, but it is enough? You only get once chance to make a first impression. Maybe I should kill a random old guy just to be sure.

OLD MAN:
Not before I spit in your face!

Seventeen gallons of saliva spray the sheriff from head to toe.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
What the hell, dude? Did you just eat a whole bag of Starburst? That was like sitting in the front of a fucking log ride.

The sheriff kills the old guy.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
See? Evil.

EXT. ROBIN HOOD’S SECRET HIDEOUT

Robin introduces Clara to Little John, Friar Tuck, and all the rest while The Doctor is feverishly poking and prodding at a pile of papers with his sonic screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR:
This can’t be the real script! It’s impossible! There’s no way this can be happening!

CAPTAIN PICARD:
I feel you, bro. I did the same thing when I got our Robin Hood script.

ROBIN HOOD:
Alas, that we should live in such dark days.

CLARA:
Huh? What? Dark days, you say? Despite the fact that I’m supposed to be a huge Robin Hood fan and know everything else about you, I have no idea what you’re talking about!

ROBIN HOOD:
Hath thou not heard of the Sheriff of Nottingham? Verily he is a big meanie butt. But I shall win from him an arrow of purest gold at an archery tournament to be held before the end of this sente—

EXT. ARCHERY TOURNAMENT

We’re down to the finals… The Sheriff of Nottingham vs. Robin Hood!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
(firing first)
A bull’s-eye! Victory is mine!

ROBIN HOOD:
Nary so fasteth! I shall split thine arrow in twain!

He does!

THE DOCTOR:
Is it too late for me to join?

The Doctor splits Robin Hood’s arrow, but then Robin splits that arrow, but then The Doctor splits that arrow, but then Robin splits that arrow, and how am I even supposed to parody this shit when the actual script is already ten times more ridiculous than anything I could come up with?!

THE DOCTOR:
Enough!!

The Doctor pulls out his sonic screwdriver and makes an archery target EXPLODE LIKE A FUCKING GRENADE, and since when the sonic screwdriver do that shit, especially to a pile of fucking hay?!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Seize them!

The sheriff’s knights attack. Robin Hood quickly cuts off one of their arms, but the knight doesn’t even flinch.

KNIGHT:
It’s just a flesh wound.

ROBIN HOOD:
I knew thou was going to say that.

THE DOCTOR:
They’re robots! I suppose I could explode them all with my sonic screwdriver, but we’re only halfway through the episode so I’ll let them capture me instead.

INT. DUNGEON

Robin Hood, Clara, and The Doctor are chained to the floor.

THE DOCTOR:
Getting captured was my plan all along.

ROBIN HOOD:
Could thou not hath mentioned that?

THE DOCTOR:
Shut up, poo-poo head!

ROBIN HOOD:
I know thou art but what am I?

THE DOCTOR:
A stupid butt face.

ROBIN HOOD:
It taketh one to knoweth one.

THE DOCTOR:
You eat boogers!

They bicker another 20 minutes before a guard comes and gets Clara.

INT. SHERIFF’S DINING ROOM

The Sheriff is talking to Clara over a nice romantic dinner.

CLARA:
So… robots, huh? Yeah, I’ve seen lots of robots. Me and robots go way back.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Ah, you are familiar with mechanical men? Then allow me to tell you everything. These robots crashed to Earth many years ago and then declared me their ruler for no damn reason whatsoever. As a one-dimensional, mustache-twirling villain, I’m naturally using them to conquer England and then the world.

CLARA:
Ha, I only pretended to be familiar with robots so you’d divulge your evil plan!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Hmm. That might have been clever if you hadn’t immediately told me that was what you were doing.

CLARA:
Oh, yeah. Oops.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
So, how’d you like to be my queen?

CLARA:
Dude, I just admitted I was lying and actively trying to defeat you. I bring no power, wealth, prestige, skills, or knowledge to your cause. And we just met like 15 minutes ago. Why in the fuck would you want to marry me?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
(pause)
Yeah, I got nothing. But don’t worry, it doesn’t affect the plot in any way.

CLARA:
So it’s as pointless as it is nonsensical. Brilliant.

INT. DUNGEON

After 20 more minutes of infantile bickering, Robin Hood finally agrees to pretend to be sick so the guard will come check on them. Together they overpower the guard and escape.

ROBIN HOOD:
That was easy.

THE DOCTOR:
Not as easy as this.
(opens door)
Look! Here’s the bad guys’ supercomputer with all their evil plans, entirely unattended and not even password protected! It says here this entire castle is actually a spaceship in disguise. The alien robots want our gold!

ROBIN HOOD:
Because stealing plot points from Battlefield Earth is always a good idea.

The Sheriff shows up with a bunch of robot guards. And Clara for some reason.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Kill them all! Ha, ha, just kidding. Let’s talk.

THE DOCTOR:
You don’t have enough gold to reach orbit! You’ll explode and wipe out all of England!

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Huh? You saw the schematics. We’re using gold for circuit boards or some shit, not fuel. Saying we don’t have enough doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.

THE DOCTOR:
Furthermore, Robin Hood is one of your robots! You found out about the Robin Hood legend in your computer’s records of Earth’s future. You built him to make the peasants think there was someone out there trying to save them so they’d never organize a revolt and try to save themselves.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Okay, that sort of does make sense, in a Scooby Doo kind of way. It would explain his clearly superhuman abilities.

ROBIN HOOD:
Such as my ability to jump out a castle tower window with Clara, land in the moat, and walk away completely unhurt?

He does so, which should prove The Doctor 100% right, but everything in this episode is about to get THREE MILLION TIMES MORE STUPID.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
The Doctor is clearly more than he seems and could thwart my evil plans. Therefore, don’t kill him or even imprison him. Just throw him in with the general slave population, who we don’t even need any more because we’re launching this spaceship in like an hour.

INT. BOWELS OF THE CASTLE WHERE THE SLAVES WORK

The evil robot knights are serving the slaves dinner on nice shiny trays.

THE DOCTOR:
Shiny trays, you say? Hey, robot! Your mother was a Ford Pinto and your father stank of conventional motor oil!

The robot tries to blast The Doctor, but… I can’t believe I’m fucking typing this sentence… The Doctor uses the shiny dinner tray to reflect the laser blast back at the robot, destroying it.

SLAVE GIRL:
Everyone! Do what that guy just did!

ALL THE SLAVES use their dinner trays to reflect laser blasts with Jedi-like accuracy back at the robots.

ROBIN HOOD:
And I’m here now too!

CLARA:
And me!

THE DOCTOR:
Well, that makes your escape totally fucking pointless now, doesn’t it.

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
At last, I meet Robin Hood face to face! Robots! Turn yourselves off entirely! For now I shall face Robin Hood alone, mano-y-mano, in honorable combat! That’s totally in character, right?

CLARA:
Wow, the bad guy’s robotic minions turned themselves off BEFORE their boss was defeated this time. That’s refreshing.

THE DOCTOR:
Dude, you were face to face with Robin Hood literally two scenes ago. Where was all this one-on-one combat then? Also, you do realize Clara and I are still here actively trying to kill you. Why shut all the robots done entirely?

SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM:
Next you’re going to be asking why the robots gave me the authority to shut them down at all. Can we just fight already?

Robin Hood kills the Sheriff of Nottingham by dropping him in a big bucket of molten gold.

THE DOCTOR:
Now everybody run! But remember which castle window you can see that open bucket of melted gold through!

EXT. SHERWOOD FOREST

Everyone is safely outside when the entire castle launches into the air.

THE DOCTOR:
Do you still have the golden arrow from the archery tournament?

FRIAR TUCK:
Here you go. Although the fact that I can hold it up with one hand indicates that it’s 5% gold at best.

THE DOCTOR:
And a bow! Anybody got a bow?

LITTLE JOHN:
Of course! Here you go!

THE DOCTOR:
Now I’m going to fire the golden arrow through the castle window and into the bucket of gold, providing just enough extra fuel to get the spaceship into orbit but not enough to keep it from exploding.

ROBIN HOOD:
Why were they giving away golden arrows when they needed all the gold they could get anyway?

CLARA:
Do spaceships usually blow up when they run out of fuel?

ROBIN HOOD:
Wouldn’t the big, open bucket of liquid gold spill when the spaceship launched?

CLARA:
Why are we still treating the melted gold like it’s their fuel source when we clearly saw them making circuit boards or some shit?

ROBIN HOOD:
How is an ordinary bow supposed to shoot an arrow made of gold more than six inches?

CLARA:
Isn’t the ship getting further and further away the longer we argue?

THE DOCTOR:
She’s right! Shut up and let me shoot!

ROBIN HOOD:
No, let me take the shot!

THE DOCTOR:
No, I have to do it! Even though I was cheating in the tournament and don’t actually have any archery skills.

CLARA:
Why don’t we all three shoot the bow together!

ROBIN HOOD:
I don’t know… Maybe because bows don’t work that way?

THE DOCTOR:
He’s right. That’s the absolute stupidest choice possible. But Clara suggested it, so clearly it’s the right answer.

The Doctor and Clara hold the bow shaft while Robin Hood draws the string and fires. A DIRECT HIT! The spaceship makes it into space and blows up harmlessly.

CLARA:
Huzzah! Good thing you’re a robot, Robin, so you could make that shot!

THE DOCTOR:
Nah, he’s 100% human.

CLARA:
But that makes even less sense!

THE DOCTOR:
Oh, and that peasant girl in that one scene turns out to be Maid Marian. Everything is real, just like you said it would be.

CLARA:
If this episode is what happens when I get to be right about things, I don’t ever want to be right about anything ever again.

END.

Previous episodes:

S8:E2 Fail-tastic Voyage

S8:E1 Deep Breath 

 

 

 

TV Show: Doctor Who
Tag: Doctor Who

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  • Mahousu

    Hey! I thought these were supposed to be parodies, but this appears to be a verbatim transcript.

  • DrShitferbrains

    This episode nearly doomed the franchise. Have we seen those robots before in the olden times of Doctor Who on PBS?