The DirecTV Puppet Commercials Were Probably Made By A Sociopath

The DirecTV Puppet Commercials Were Probably Made By A Sociopath

The nightmarish world of DirecTV’s marionette ad campaign is a horrific hell-dungeon of disturbing imagery. My main question is this: what genius ad guy at DirecTV’s ad agency of choice said to himself, “You know what would really bring in new subscribers? A commercial where a bobble-headed body dysmorphic ladypuppet fuck toy tries to sex her human husband!” If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please check out the following video clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLmP73eAHB8

Another question for the creative exec who designed this commercial: exactly how many lady-bodies do you have buried in your basement?

The puppet-woman is whiny and insecure, a pathetic figure of fun and a sexual object all at once. The man is totally chill and turned on, bro. There is some tangential connection between the concept of wires and the concept of a satellite television product. And everyone feels enormously creeped out. Seriously, just Google “DirecTV” and “puppet” and “creepy,” and you will find some magic.

From a business standpoint, the biggest problem with the DirecTV puppet fuckery is that it obscures the value of what is actually quite an excellent product. I have DirecTV. I like DirecTV. But I’m honestly considering switching simply because this campaign is so wrong-headed, so stupid, so embarrassing to behold and so weirdly, creepily sexist in a dark scary sex murder kind of way. Like the vibe I get isn’t, “Oh wow, that lady is sexy, let’s look at her boobies” (which is fine, we do that here all the time, we are not opposed) but rather “Oh wow, that lady is sexy, let’s wear her skin.”

Or maybe DirecTV just unwittingly hired a director whose life’s ambition was to re-create the thrill he got ten years ago, after he bought the unrated, explicit puppet-sex version of Team America: World Police.

I posted about this on my Facebook and some dude was like, “Is it wrong that I think she’s hot? LOLOLOLOL” and I almost blocked him because I’m pretty sure he fucks American Girl Dolls in the store at night and then puts them back on the shelf like NOTHING HAPPENED.

What do YOU think? Sound off in the comments, humans (and puppets. If you are a puppet, this site is a Safe Space for puppets.)

IMPORTANT UPDATE WITH INSIDER INFORMATION: A Facebook person typed this tip on Facebook! “Haha I auditioned for this. It was so creepy. The casting director was like ‘This is going to be a terrible commercial, there’s no way to actually make it funny because it’s not, so just pretend you’re a puppet and make the striptease part as awkward as possible.'”

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  • Mahousu

    “… exactly how many lady-bodies do you have buried in your basement?”If ever a question called for the response “AOT,K” it’s this one.

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      • NoNotThatOne

        Tagg Romney, is that you?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      What about in the garden? I am asking for a friend.

  • beavertank

    I think we’re all secretly looking re-create the thrill we got when we first watched the explicit puppet-sex filled version of Team America… Right? Just me then? Oh…

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  • Applemask

    the FUCK

  • TheEricProblem

    I am a puppet of the Machine. Does that count?

    • ahughes798

      Only if you are hawt!!!11!!!

      • TheEricProblem

        Then that’d be a “no”. *shrug*

  • HereKitty

    One of the many, many impressive things about this post is that you actually know what these benighted commercials are for — I turn them off so quickly that I seriously have trouble remembering.

  • BMW

    This particular commercial was part of a series, though. What about the one where husband’s African-American friend comes over and hushes talk of ugly wires while puppet-wife comes in and out of the room? Or the one where dad consoles puppet-boy about his wires? There is much more psychological subtext to explore here.

  • It’s a really creepy commercial and in no way convinces me to buy the product advertised.

  • M H

    I’m going to have to book a few more sessions with Recording Artist/Tae Kwon Do Black Belt/Polemicist Dr Laurie Roth to work through this one. This is the WORST MORNING SEX JAM EVER.

  • rebecca

    What ad exec? A GENIUS AD EXEC WHO TOTALLY GETS ME, THAT’S WHAT ONE.It’s sort of jazzy!

    • sarabenincasa

      I SWEAR TO YOU I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL, THIS HILL OF PUPPET LIMBS.

    • gullywompr

      Explain yourself right this minute!

  • doktorzoom

    I think puppet-fuckers are people too, and need our understanding, not shaming and blaming.– James Earl Carter, former President of the United States

  • teebob2000

    I think they’re on-point and well-executed. You’re over-thinking. The latest one with the father-in-law Phil is hilarious.

  • DL

    Freud could have lived comfortably for a decade working with who ever came up with this thing.

    • john doe

      You, sir, just won the internet. Congratulations.Okay boys! Shut it all down. We have a winner!

  • There’s also a spot where the guy’s kid is a marionette, but why isn’t the husband a marionette, too? If the whole family were puppets, it would still be creepy as fuck, but at least it wouldn’t be sexist…hopefully. I get the basic principle of the ad, but it could have been executed A WHOLE FUCKING LOT better.

    • doktorzoom

      No, the father is a human. Which apparently means that the kid is a freaky human-puppet hybrid, the result of sicko marionettescegenation

      • NoNotThatOne

        I bet even Rick Santorum didn’t see that one coming. Because teh gheyz.

    • MrBlifil

      Answer: it’s not his kid, hence his laconic attitude. The kid came with the package when he brought the girl home from the puppet strip club, promising to “get her out of all this.” Now he’s on the cusp of having his blinders fall away, to where he “sees the strings.” It’s very suspenseful.

  • Villemar

    Puppets and clowns are horrible relics of bygone eras and have no place in the 21st Century. Both were invented in the Middle Ages to torture and/or instruct children (Punch and Judy for the puppets; Phlogistro the Dropsied in the case of clowns). They should be outlawed in all civilized countries immediately. Thanks in advance.

    • NoNotThatOne

      I don’t know. Puppet characters like those in “The Lion King” are pretty awesome. It helps they’re animals, though.

    • Cynthia McGarvie

      They belong in the same stockade where we put all the mimes.

  • BatmanJesus

    I’ve never seen this, but I kept laughing at how the husband seems incredibly put off that he’s married to a puppet. Like, he’s not entirely sure how he ended up in this place in life. I don’t know. The whole thing is remarkably creepy – all of the ads.

    • MrBlifil

      That’s the beauty part. All of our partners in life are desperate puppets putting on an outward show to win approval. Spoiler Alert: that’s true of us too! And we are all of us blind to the strings which exert their force each waking minute, again both the strings of our partners and the one’s leading us through life. The possibility of “seeing the strings” is only obvious to the person with outside perspective, the “satellites” if you will. Reliable television and internet service can lead to profound growth in personal awareness. And even if it doesn’t, you have reliable television and internet service, so hey, win-win amirite?

    • In the next installment, he’s divorcing her (cutting the strings of marriage) because she gave him termites.

  • Bluejackrabbit

    At first I thought is might be some twisted “Adult Swim” fake commercial, then I realized I was not on Comedy Central. “Creepy” does not do it justice. It takes objectification and male dominance motifs to a new level. This ad, and the one with the puppet boy, literally make my skin crawl.

    • TS Idiot

      Of course you weren’t on Comedy Central…Adult Swim is on Cartoon Network…

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Yes, extremely creepy. It is even worse than the other two. The first one when the neighbor comes over is almost funny because no one saw the “punch line” coming. The second is ok but a bit weird. This one shouldn’t have ever been okayed.

  • Pat_Pending

    WHO IS HOLDING THE FUCKING STRINGS???

  • MrBlifil

    It’s an awesome campaign. Eventually he’s going to “see his girlfriend’s strings” to which he has hitherto been so blind. As a result he will set new priorities for himself that align with reality as opposed to fantasy, which may also result in his desperately needy partner becoming a “real girl.” He will also continue to enjoy his reliable satellite dish service, regardless of any other eventualities growing out of his profound period of personal growth. I also kind of think he might be figuring out he’s gay.

    • Sue4466

      Um, sometimes a puppet is just a puppet.

    • lesterthegiantape

      You possibly won the internet with this comment

  • $73376667

    I posted about this on my Facebook and some dude was like, “Is it wrong
    that I think she’s hot? LOLOLOLOL” and I almost blocked him

    Duly noted.

    • NoNotThatOne

      I think the guy is hot, but it’s impossible to disentangle his image from that scenario.

      • $73376667

        ISWYDTBut if she can disentangle her bathrobe, surely you can adequately get your freak on.

      • Cynthia McGarvie

        I’m wondering whose hand is up his butt.

  • NoNotThatOne

    What? I don’t even… Ack. I need a hard scrubbing after that. A little talk therapy and a gallon of brain bleach wouldn’t hurt.

  • “We’re all puppets, Laurie. I’m just a puppet who can see the strings.”

  • MarkInCA

    This one is creepy, as is the one with the puppet son. This shite has Ed Gein written all over it.

  • TheEmperorIsStarkers
  • Yeah, what a stupid choice for a commercial that people write about so other people can share it, see it and hear the name DirecTV eight times in this post, alone.THAT is smart advertising!

    • NoNotThatOne

      I suppose. It encourages me to laugh at the execs’ judgment rather than to consider using the product. Creepy doesn’t normally correlate with good PR.

  • Lawrence Allen

    I know this is a fools errand, but every time I see these commercials, I end up trying to figure out exactly how the fuck the dude ended up married/dating a puppet. Theories range from “He has a serious mental illness that stops him from seeing the strings and someone is playing a horrible prank on him” to “he is actually a monk engaged in a relationship with God himself, and the puppet is actually a simulacra/avatar God is using to interact with his lover, to stop the dude from dying when he behold the radiance of the Divine.” My favorite, though, is that the dude is actually in a loving gay relationship with another man. The other man happens to have a really weird “heterosexual man is disinterested in fucking a puppet” fetish, and the dude is going along, because although he doesn’t share the fetish, he loves his partner and is ggw.

  • lesterthegiantape

    I can’t stop masturbating long enough to shoot myself in the head.

  • (((0gham)))

    Sorry. I really, really tried to care, but I just can’t.

    • JonathanNathan

      Fortunately, with valiant effort, you were able to muster up the sheer willpower to type a comment anyway.

      • (((0gham)))

        It’s surprising, but typing comments is actually really easy. This one alone only took me a few seconds.

  • Bren

    I actually really like this series of commercials. I do think it is a strange series. But, I like the idea of a person entering an unconventional relationship and making it work. And, it’s not like he’s some jerk. If you watch all the commercials, and not isolate it to this specific one, you’ll see that the guy–a relatively regular guy–cares about his marionette family. Once I got past the oddity of it, I saw a brave couple who pursued a caring relationship that may normally be condemned by society.

  • Michael✌️

    Really fucking weird commercials!

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