The devil made you do it? That’s no excuse with this great new smartphone app!

Satanist Monument

Is Satan talking to you? Does he never shut up? Good news — we’ve got just the trick to quiet that voice for good!

No, not prescription medication. It’s the “Shut Up, Devil!” app, an actual thing from actual sincere devil-fearing Christians!

Thousands already use the app and report transformed thinking and great victory in spiritual warfare. I know that you’ll experience the same, and in just a short time you’ll realize that you’re no longer under attack—you are on the attack!

Download the app today and begin to say, “Shut up, devil!” 

(Snapping your fingers and throwing in a sassy-black-lady “mmmm-hmmm” optional.)

Kyle Winkler developed the app, or at least slapped his name on it. He’s founder of Kyle Winkler Ministries, which you may know from Christian Television Network. (A TV connection! Fuck yeah! You don’t know how thrilled I was that this story fell under HNTP’s purview.)

Kyle knows how annoying the voice of Satan can be:

For too many years, Satan’s lies dominated my life. Insecurities and regrets from the past often overwhelmed me with fear or made me feel disqualified for use in God’s service. These threats all reached their peak in me one winter day when I awoke to a series of condemning whispers and accusations. For the next week, my mind was the battlefield in a severe demonic war intended to shut me up.

But Kyle turned the tables on Ol’ Scratch and told him to “shut up” instead. Spiritual warfare, it turns out, is as easy as a smartphone app. Just type all your problems into your phone (you know, just like you already do with your Facebook app), and then out pops the appropriate scripture for you to recite out loud. BAM! Satan is defeated, easy-peasy.

There’s even a video tutorial!

And if that doesn’t work, there’s always Scientology.

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  • guppy06

    Looking for the inevitable knock-off, “Shut Up, White Devil!”