Degrassi Junior High “It's Late” (part 3 of 4)

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Cut to a Degrassi stairwell. Arthur is explaining to Yick that he has to put Melanie in the “right mood” before asking her out, and she won’t be able to turn him down “after a compliment”. And so, they stop for a moment so Yick can “practice” his compliment one more time. And in this “practice” session, Arthur will be playing the role of Melanie. This is going to hurt.

Yick grasps the banister and rests his chin on his hands, and looks deep into Arthur’s eyes and says, “Your eyes are so blue, they remind me of swimming pools!” Jesus, that’s horrible. Swimming pools? How is that even a compliment? Your eyes are so blue, they remind me of chlorinated cauldrons of bacteria!

Caption contributed by Albert

“Arthur… I’m ready to take this bromance to a new level!”

Suddenly, Arthur looks mortified. You guessed it: two other boys have come along just in time to overhear Yick hitting on Arthur. The boys in question are Tim the Terrific, currently carrying a French horn, and Snake, whom the boys were actually stalking in a previous episode. They both have big “what the fucking fuck” looks on their faces as they very carefully walk past Arthur and Yick, most likely guarding their backsides the whole way.

Caption contributed by Albert

You have to be acting pretty gay to get that look from a guy carrying a French horn.

As they pass, Arthur says hello to Snake, and Snake responds with a hilarious, “Yeah, okay, Arthur,” like even he can’t believe Arthur has the gall to say anything to him right after doing the gayest thing Snake has ever witnessed with his own eyes (so far). All I know is, Yick better ask out Melanie very, very soon. Otherwise, by the end of the week the entire school is going to be convinced that Arthur and Yick are a couple.

Yick is in luck, because they immediately spot Melanie. So Yick fights through his nervousness, walks up to Melanie, and says, “Your eyes are so blue, they seem like pimming swools.” Damn. Fucked over by a Spoonerism. Isn’t that always the way?

Caption contributed by Albert

“Melanie, I was wondering, would you like to give me a Joe blob? I mean… dammit!”

Before he has a chance to correct himself, Melanie starts laughing hysterically, and Kathleen is there too, and also laughing. And they’re both going “What? What?? What are pimming swools??” Yick is slowly disintegrating before our eyes. Without another word, he runs away, but stops momentarily to turn to Arthur and yell, “Broomhead!” Arthur calls after him, while everyone in the stairwell stops and stares. Okay, I take back what I said. I don’t think they’ll have to wait for the end of the week for everyone to be convinced that they’re a couple.

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Over in the library, the Twins are badgering Spike to go to a clinic and take a pregnancy test, but Spike is too embarrassed to go. The Twins say they’ll come with her, but she continues to refuse. And then she suddenly decides to look across the library, over at Shane.

Caption contributed by Albert

“He’s the one with the sperm! Get him!”

Shane smiles at her. And then the Twins turn around and give him evil looks. So in another hilarious moment, Shane’s expression goes from “cheerful” to “someone ran over my dog” in about a tenth of a second.

The bell rings and the girls head out. Shane chases down Spike, and tells her he thought they were “going steady”. He wants to know why she’s been avoiding him. So she grabs him by the shirt and drags him into a corner. She says, “Remember Loosey’s party?”

Shane gets a big doofus grin and goes, “Yeah.” Yeah, you big stud, you. It was so good that she stopped talking to you for a month.

Shane’s rollercoaster ride of emotion continues when Spike leans forward and says, “I think I’m gonna have a baby.”

Caption contributed by Albert

Back away, not today, Disco Lady…

At first, Shane thinks she’s joking, but when Spike says she’s dead serious, he slowly backs away without saying another word, and leaves. Well, I’m sure Spike will be getting this reaction from a lot of men in the future, so she might as well get used to it.

It’s later in the day, or maybe it’s the next day. There’s an establishing shot of all the kids walking into school, but both Shane and Spike are still wearing the same clothes, so I don’t know. Before class, just by sheer coincidence, Voula is showing off baby pictures to everyone. It’s supposedly her sister’s “new baby”, but the kid in the pictures already has a full head of hair. And… Voula has a sister? How did she escape from Poppa Voula’s compound?

Caption contributed by Albert

Baby Trading Card Day never really caught on at Degrassi.

Among the students checking out the baby pics is a girl soon to be known as Alexa. She calls Shane and Spike over to look at the photos, and naturally, due to their prior conversation, they give each other Meaningful Looks as they walk over.

Caption contributed by Albert

“And do you know how much formula you’d have to swipe, I mean, buy?”

Alexa gets her first close-up of the series, where she says she really wants to have a baby (and she’ll eventually get her wish, as revealed in the TNG pilot). But Worldly Loosey just has to butt in with some of her usual worldly, snarky advice, talking about how babies “pee twelve times a day” and you always have to change their diapers. Loosey, don’t you have some community service you should be doing right now?

Alexa says it would be great to have “someone to love you for the rest of your life”. We’ll be getting to know Alexa a lot better next season, but suffice to say I completely believe she would have a baby just for that one reason. Loosey brings up how babies cry all the time, and they don’t let you get any sleep, and once again, the whole world in conspiring to constantly remind Spike and Shane of their current predicament. Naturally, they keep giving each other Meaningful Looks the whole time.

Caption contributed by Albert

“Alright, alright, I’ll go get the coat hanger.”

And then Raditch enters and brings class to order. He says, “This afternoon is a bit of a treat!” Yay! Who doesn’t love a good treat? So what is it, Mr. Raditch? Ice cream? A bag of licorice? Is it Free Pony Day?

Raditch says, “Victorian Romantic poets!” Wow, that’s um… quite a treat, Mr. Raditch.

He wants to read a passage from Elizabeth Barrett Browning. In particular, it’s the “How do I love thee” poem. Okay, I can already envision this becoming super-awkward. As Raditch reads the poem, Spike stares over at Shane. Shane immediately looks away. Then he looks back at Spike, who looks away. I have no idea what the point of this is, but it kills some time, which is all that matters.

Caption contributed by Albert

“How do I impregnate thee? Let me count the ways.”

Once that’s done, we get… more staring! Joey sees Shane and Spike staring at each other, and stares at both of them. And then Heather turns around and stares at Erica. What the fucking fuck is the point of any of this?

Cut to the boys’ bathroom, and my favorite moment of the whole episode. Tim the Terrific washes his hands and wipes them with a paper towel, and tosses the paper towel in the trash, and he misses the trash can by like two feet. And no, this was not intentional. It’s really just a silly little blooper that most people wouldn’t even notice, but for some reason it gets funnier every time I watch it. I would give this episode an Emmy just for this moment.

Caption contributed by Albert

Classic.

Shane enters, looking like he’s just trying to get away from all the staring, and he pounds on a stall door. Joey runs inside along with Wheels, and it seems the burning question on their minds is… well, they still want to know if he “did it” with Spike at Loosey’s party. A month ago. Seriously, guys, get over it.

Given his current circumstances, Shane no longer feels like playing coy. He just looks morose, and starts to walk out. But before he goes, he poses a hypothetical question to the boys: “What would you guys do if you got someone pregnant?”

Understandably, Joey and Wheels give each other shocked looks. Joey goes, “Spike’s gonna have a baby?” Huh? Wha? Of course not! Where’d you get a crazy idea like that? Shane insists he’s just asking a hypothetical question, that’s all. It’s just a fun thing he does in his spare time. He just likes to know what Joey and Wheels would do if their lives turned to shit.

Shane says, “I mean, it wouldn’t be the guy’s problem, right?” Exactly. It’s totally the chick’s fault. I mean, who told her to be born with a uterus, anyway?

Joey patiently explains that there’s a slight chance it could also be the guy’s problem, because it would “sorta be his baby, too.” You know you’re in trouble when Joey Jeremiah is the voice of reason. Shane walks out, and would you believe that Joey still refuses to believe that Shane and Spike had sex? In fact, he thinks the hypothetical question was just Shane’s way of “bluffing” to make people think they really had sex. Nothing gets by him, does it?

The bell rings, and Ms. Baxter’s social sciences class lets out. Damn, it still feels weird talking about a third teacher at Degrassi. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. Melanie and Kathleen come out of her classroom, followed by Yick and Arthur, who are quietly spying on the girls. But hey, at least they’re spying on girls now. It’s a step in the right direction. They overhear Melanie reading her horoscope, which promises she’ll be getting a “surprise gift” today.

So Arthur gets an idea. He runs back into Baxter’s classroom, and snatches the flowers off her desk. He hands them to Yick, saying that Melanie has to say yes if he gives her flowers. Yick admittedly feels like a “broomhead”, but proceeds to take the stolen flowers over to Melanie.

Caption contributed by Albert

You’ve got it all wrong, Yick. You don’t shove things in a girl’s face until after the first date.

And for some bizarre reason, when he hands them over, he sticks the flowers directly in her face. There’s a plot reason for this, of course, which is that Melanie is deathly allergic to flowers. She’s so allergic, in fact, that even the slightest contact with flowers causes her to immediately launch into a sneezing fit. Kathleen and Melanie yell at Yick to go away, and eventually Melanie’s sneezing gets so bad that it causes her to throw her papers up in the air. So, I guess allergies cause uncontrollable muscle spasms, too. I presume she’ll be going into anaphylactic shock shortly.

Down the hall, Arthur looks horrified, like even he can’t believe how wrong this is going. Yick hands the flowers back to Arthur, yelling, “Broomhead!” The sad part of all this is, we’re witnessing exactly what Arthur learned from having a sister like Stephanie. In his mind, all you have to do is tell a girl she has eyes like swimming pools and give her cheap flowers and you’re sure to score. You know, I have no doubt that would work on Stephanie. Maybe Yick should consider telling Melanie he’ll show her how a TV studio works.

Thankfully, we get to see Arthur take the flowers and put them back on Baxter’s desk. Because stealing is wrong, kids.

Multi-Part Article: Degrassi Junior High "It's Late"

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