Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (2005) (part 4 of 6)

Note: A few of the images in this recap may be not safe for work, or rather, not safe for lunch. It gets a bit gruesome, so don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Vaguely Gay Guy is now in Dr. Malkovich’s office again. Malkovich is hilariously freaked out as he looks over Emma’s miracle pregnancy test results. This just leads into part two of the pointless berating we saw earlier. Vaguely Gay Guy defends the lovebirds with, “They’re getting married.” They are? I must’ve missed that.

Malkovich is not buying into the Isaac/Emma OTP, especially since the former is a “necrophobic”. Wait… in his first scene, Isaac was nattering on about how death was a good and natural thing, and don’t fear the reaper, and all that. Also, I thought he was being treated for “supernatural fantasies”. The diagnosis here is just a tad inconsistent, but then again, there’s no technical psychiatric term for “annoying wuss”.

By the way, we’re nearly halfway through the movie, and we’re still dealing with really pointless subplots. People are turning into zombies, and chaos is about to ensue; I don’t really care who gets to be in what ward, or who gets released a month early. This is not going anywhere. Goddammit, movie, show me some zombies!

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Malkovich finally notices that Vaguely Gay Guy looks a little pale, and asks if he was at “the ravine” yesterday. You mean, the flat plain where the canister was found? Malkovich says he’s gotten reports of things like “chicken pox” and “food poisoning”. Later events show that he knows more than he’s letting on, but in retrospect, I’m not entirely sure what he’s trying to conceal here, or to what end. Malkovich instructs Vaguely Gay Guy and his patients to stay in their dorm, and the scene just sort of trails off.

Isaac visits Emma in her sickbed, and she’s starting to look better, relatively speaking. Her skin’s all smooth, at least. Isaac theorizes that they all must be “morphing”, despite not being mighty.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

She looks so natural.

To demonstrate, he pulls out Emma’s IV tube (to the complete non-reaction of the nurse on duty). He then pokes his own thumb with the needle, showing that he doesn’t bleed. Damn. Back to the drawing board for me.

Isaac (who’s also looking a lot less peely, by the way) is excited by these developments, so again: necrophobic, necrophile, fan of My Chemical Romance, same thing, right? He’s muscled away by an aide who says his privileges have been revoked. What privileges? Beyond being a white male in a desirable advertising demographic, I mean.

Dr. Malkovich is still in his office, and he opens a lockbox and takes out a surveyor’s map, presumably of the ravine. He mutters something about “without eyes to see, or ears to hear.” Hey, Black Guy at least found the thermos, which is more than I can say for those elite military recon units.

Also in the box, there’s a key and a card reading “General George Teller”. You may remember him as “Sergeant” Teller. So, let’s see: he masterminded a disastrous chemical weapons experiment, which then required a clean-up operation that probably drew the attention of everyone within 50 miles, and he lost sensitive materials for decades. So, yep, he sure earned himself another star! You know, I didn’t realize before this that the U.S. Military operates on the Dilbert Principle.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

“Oh, right. I was supposed to housesit for this guy.”

Malkovich gives Gen. Teller a call. Unfortunately, he gets put on hold, so he decides to hang up. Like I said, I have no idea what this guy is trying to do, but generally speaking, people in movies with dark, sinister motives aren’t usually so easily discouraged.

Cut to the out-of-focus halls of, I guess, a government building, and the back of Teller’s head. He’s told that his unnamed caller hung up, so he instructs the person on the other end to trace the call.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

The Department of Vagueness: Potentially serving the public for some time now.

Of course, there’s no point in hiding his face, because we get a shot of his picture ID. But wait, this is Ralph Teller, not George Teller. Distant relative, or continuity mistake? You make the call. But please do me a favor and remember this scene, and keep it in mind throughout the action to follow. It’s important.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

And Betty when you call me, you can call me Ralph.

Back at the hospital, Vaguely Gay Guy collects Black Guy, who’s feeling much better now. Meanwhile, two more aides lock Jerk Warden away, because the “staph infection” he has is really out of control. I can get them not assuming these people are turning into zombies, because there’s no such things as zombies, but all these misdiagnoses are getting really tired.

In response to all this, Dr. Malkovich calls for a formal quarantine. He grants everyone permission to bear arms, and to shoot anyone from Vaguely Gay Guy’s group on sight. This would be an ominous scene, except I keep wondering how likely it is that they’d have this much weaponry on hand at a low-security mental institution.

Regardless, this announcement elicits a comically shocked reaction from one of the nurses, which I just had to screencap for posterity.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

I’m telling you, I’m not trying to make these people look stupid! These shots just happen!

Cut to Isaac talking to Vaguely Gay Guy. He denies ever sleeping with Emma, which briefly raises the icky possibility of it being Jerk Warden’s baby. Don’t worry. The truth is more stupid than that.

As Emma is hustled back to her ward, she’s followed by Goth Girl and Vicky the Crack Whore (remember them? Fun times!). And while this is going on, Isaac delivers yet another pretentious voiceover, this one about the influence of the matriarchal line, and fidelity, and I swear he’s turning into a twisted parody of J.D. from Scrubs. You know, I like that show. It’s got a predictable structure and is sometimes too maudlin, but it’s funny and the actors are… what? I still have to talk about this movie? Ah, crap. Sorry, folks. Them’s the rules.

Meanwhile, Geek and Black Guy are playing “Guess the B-Movie”, and for some reason, their game blends real and made-up films. Meanwhile, Isaac continues to annoy them with his readings. Seriously, why has someone not taken away his book and beat him to death with it by now? (Let’s make that Plan B, shall we?)

Brooklynite asks Vaguely Gay Guy if he’s doing okay. VGG replies that “a little sleep will cure anything.” This man isn’t an actual doctor, is he?

Brooklynite talks a bit about being sorry that he opened the canister, and some pointless dialogue follows. I honestly think that if you cut out all the pointless dialogue that drags this movie down, you’d end up with an unusually brief episode of Tales from the Crypt. So, probably the Crypt Keeper would have to ad-lib for five minutes. Wait, I mean bad-lib! Hee hee hee hee!

Suddenly, Vaguely Gay Guy’s computer blinks on, showing a video reply to his guestbook post. Yes, because that’s exactly how the internet works.

It’s Jerry De Luca, looking to all the world like Comic Book Guy. He explains that the thermos should not be opened under any circumstances. Nothing quite like timely advice, is there?

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

Special Guest Star: Everyone On The Internet.

Apparently, the canister contains an agent that “infects the DNA with very unpredictable results.” I’ve heard this kind of pseudo-English before, I just know it. He also explains that anyone exposed to this “agent” will be immediately “searched and destroyed” by the government. So things are looking up, after all!

De Luca promises to meet up with Vaguely Gay Guy at Ravenside tomorrow. And then comes WTF Moment #8: Vaguely Gay Guy gets up, exits the office, looks back at his suffering patients, and declares, “Tonight, we sleep.” Hey, who appointed you zombie lord and master?

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

The power of Scott Thompson compels you!

It still feels funny calling these characters zombies—after all, they’re still in that Thom Matthews/James Karen “dead but don’t know it” stage. But what’s even stranger is how they all have some kind of psychic link, which Vaguely Gay Guy is using to make this ominous (but ultimately pointless) declaration. Really, I think it’s just an attempt to pretend like something’s happening, when clearly nothing is.

His words echo in the halls to heighten the effect, and Jerk Warden mutters, “Tonight we sleep,” as well. Unfortunately, sleep won’t help his arm wound, which now has weird fleshy tendon thingies growing around it.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

Beef jerky infections are the worst.

And now it’s “Three Days Ago”! And these captions are still not doing a thing for me. All the patients are lined up for their daily medication, and one of them tries to pad his part out by refusing to take his meds. He naturally gets carted off.

Vicky the Crack Whore cuts in line, and makes a grab at all the pills on the tray. Though, I’m fairly sure real mental hospitals have safeguards in place to prevent this sort of thing from happening. Vicky then resumes being a bitch to Goth Girl.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

America’s favorite comedy duo!

Meanwhile, Cute Nurse tells Vaguely Gay Guy about the (grunka lunka dumpity d) armed guards, and Jerk Warden’s continuing mutation. She says, “It’s the flesh eating virus!” C’mon, Cute Nurse, I like you. Don’t lose my sympathy by doing the dumbass “guess the disease” routine, too.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

I don’t have anything funny to say here, I just needed this.

Vaguely Gay Guy later goes out to do his rounds. He now has the cylinder, which he hands over to Black Guy, saying, “Keep it safe.” No word on whether he wants it kept secret, too. This is a bit like closing the barn door after the mutant cows are already rampaging through the countryside, but whatever.

Finally, the Crack Whore goes over the line in some way, and Goth Girl starts a cat fight. Oh, yeah. Hot girl-on-skank action!

As two guards try to break up the scuffle, one of them drops his gun, and Goth Girl manages to pick it up and slip away. Hmm. I’m thinking my earlier characterization of this institution as “low security” was inaccurate. “Demilitarized zone” seems to be closer to reality.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

I should be enjoying this more than I am.

Vaguely Gay Guy is about to rush to the scene, but first he gets sniffed by that guy from earlier (remember him?). This guy throws a fit about how VGG smells dead. This guy comes and goes at later points, but despite his high visibility, he doesn’t do much of anything. He’s just there because he could play crazy. Security handles the guy by quickly administering sedatives.

Meanwhile, a lone officer guards the ward that Emma is being held in. Vaguely Gay Guy tries to get in, but the officer points a gun at him and tells him to back away. Just then, the guard gets shot by Goth Girl, who’s now brandishing the stolen gun. It seems she’s now in full stalker mode, saying that Emma needs her.

Does anyone even remember Goth Girl getting clingy from before, besides me? Are we really expected to keep track of all these minor characters? I rented this DVD online, so maybe I didn’t get the included flowchart.

Caption contributed by Evan Waters

Kaylee’s got a gun…

Multi-Part Article: Day of the Dead 2: Contagium (2005)

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