Coven Recap: Too Many Pots Not Enough Burners
In our last Coven recap, a commenter described it as “too many pots not enough burners.” And that was before (SPOILER ALERT) “Coven” brought back all the dead witches, AGAIN. Even a silver bullet can’t kill Queenie. Even having her head chopped off can’t keep Delphine LaLaurie down. (And she’s not even a witch.) This is the part of the season where we should be winnowing characters down, a la “Top Chef,” not adding more shit to the shitpile! How about some internal logical consistency, SHOW? And what kind of dramatic stakes are there when death means about as much as a broken nail?
We are in Olden times. Delphine LaLurie and her daughter leave Paris. It is 1830, before The Horror, and they are doing something to chickens. LaLaurie kills a chicken, and it is surprisingly goreless, only a thin fountain of blood arcing from its throat vein. LaLaurie fingers the life-juice, pondering. This is her Origin Story.
Soon she is becoming entranced by a servant’s open wound, until she knocks him on the back of the head while pretending she will help him, so she can drain him. She is Elizabeth Bathory. She licks her lips, both lustfully and gluttonously turned on by the youth that will be hers if she sucks out the black man’s essence.
Nan’s funeral. Fiona eugooglizes. “Our coven mourns after facing so many trials. … And so it is with great sadness we must say goodbye to Nan. Who fell in the tub.” Marie Laveau with the assist: “Amen!”
Queenie’s back, she was only mostly dead. Oh and so is Delphine, even though she HAD HER HEAD CHOPPED OFF and now it’s RIGHT BACK ON HER BODY.
So silver bullets don’t work on Queenie anyway, at least not if she does it herself? And she put LaLaurie back together, really for no good reason at all. Haha, at least LaLaurie is on a leash.
Since Hank went and blowed up the house full of witches, he is being given a new identity as a vet with PTSD for his nonfuneral. The witchhunters certainly can’t let that fucking idiot bring them down by being IDed as their son after leaving a house full of witchcorpses along with his own. The witches were right to put a spell on Delphi Corp’s money. They will pay the witches to take the spell off, before then murdering them. Cool plan, what could go wrong?
Kyle is back. Where was he last week? Where was anyone? This glorious show has fallen apart.
Delphine serves them Madison’s shit as mulligatawny stew. We have seen this before particularly in The Help, and it does not feel fresh. It tastes fresh though, and sends Myrtle (our beloved Frances Conroy) into paroxysms of delight.
James (have we seen James before? black dude? works there we guess?) cuts himself with gardening shears, and before you can say hang em high, LaLaurie has strung James up to drain his lovely “thick African blood” for him, by shearing off his toes.
Those shears get a fucking workout tonight.
Zoe is doing something, don’t care. Oh, she is seeing Laveau and Fiona kill Nan. How did it take anyone this long to figure out? And when did Zoe get the Sight? Of course they switch from interesting (anything done by Laveau/Fiona, even as seen through Zoe’s eyes) and instead spend minutes on Zoe v. Madison catfighting over zombie Kyle, and who’s a slut, and who wants to blow whom, and who is a second-tier mallrat. How much do I not care? None. None the care.
The axeman is playing his sax, because he is still around, I guess. Oh, and here is Spalding the creepy butler, where’s HE been! Missed him! “I can explain” says LaLaurie about her bloody strung up black man corpse up in his dollhouse, but oh tra la girl, so unnecessary, never apologize for your art! Spalding wants Laveau to die, the two shall collude. Does he not understand that NO ONE IS DEAD considering HE HIMSELF IS SUPPOSEDLY DEAD but is STANDING RIGHT THERE TALKING? COME ON SPALDING. COME ON SHOW.
Now Cordy is going to blind herself with a thistle and maybe some shears so she can have Second Sight again so she can show the girls … something. But she pusses out like such a Cordy AAAAAH NO SHE DOESN’T this show has NO RESPECT FOR EYES.
But why did she do it, Fiona frets, about to breeze in and give some belated love to her Oedipus-eyed daughter. Why? “Because your daughter’s become something we’ll never understand, Fiona,” Myrtle murmurs in her wonderful Continental murmur. “She’s a hero.” Myrtle contentedly puffs on a cheroot.
Myrtle reminds Fiona that with her Sight back, Cordy will be able to see all her sins and secrets. “Who, li’l ol’ me?” asks Fiona. “What secrets?”
“No secrets. Shame on you Fiona, I deserve better lies than that.” Fiona pusses out and won’t go get her Lies told by her Second Sight daughter. She just needs a drink, brb, no big, EXIT, STAGE LEFT EVEN, PEW.
Spalding gets an 1890s doll from LaLaurie, she traded it for half the silver, it was the thing he needed, and he takes a big ol’ whiff of doll butt, oh that Spalding. In exchange he gives her Benadryl to give to Laveau, to “kill her.” Playin her for a fool!
Myrtle has an emerald for Zoe,
for some reason to give her funds to run on and get the fuck out the coven. Why, so Zoe could wear it? “You could never pull it off, darling, only Lee Radziwill and myself could do it justice.” She wants her and Kyle to get gone. Not following this really. You guys?
Myrtle tells a story about great Humanitarian Diane Von Furstenberg. Wrap dresses don’t look good on short-waisted women, by the way, and we would like to wear them too and it is very Sad 🙁
Myrtle has tickets for Zoe and Kyle to go somewhere, and I beg that she said “Epcot.” Because that would be rad.
Delphi Corp meeting. Fiona lays it down, she has nothing to worry about from them; she took down their company, Laveau is immortal, and she’ll have a filthy martini please.
Delphi Corp dude, sulkily: That is not how you negotiate.
Laveau: “Negooootiationn. Listen white devil.” The white devil listens. (BUT HE IS LYING.)
Delphi guy will pay for the damage to Laveau’s shop in exchange for them unfucking his billion-dollar company. That is a very good negotiation indeed! Hmmmmm, no deal?
“This war is a thing of the past,” he lies. “Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to rid the State Dept of communists.” How about a 100-year truce, he lies more.
“You disband this merry band of assholes, give me your house, and paint it first,” says Fiona. Laveau interjects that she would like a private jet. “Marie wants a private jet.”
The Axeman murders everyone in the room when they do not take Fiona’s excellent offer. Guys, it was just a house and a jet. You had a billion dollars.
Daddy is still alive. “Well-played,” he confirms.
“You Harvard men, charming to the end.”
She chops him to the throat, as Axeman smiles in delighted pride at the axe-arm on his witch woman. “You make a hell of a martini, mister,” Fiona smiles at him.
“I love you more than jazz, babydoll.”
OK, the Axeman may stay.
Fiona and Laveau are having a nightcap, reliving their awesome victory — but WAIT! There are still two or three episodes left? Maybe witchhunters don’t die either, hmmmm? But FX’s schedule doesn’t seem to have imprinted on their tiny woman brains, and they are all tralala a good day’s work. Fiona will cap it off with some ghost sex.
“My man swung a mighty axe, I have to go reward him. Don’t wait up.”
Laveau may be immortal but she can still get Benadryled, knocked down the stairs, and buried alive so Spalding can have her Sacrifice Baby and dress her up as a real Living Doll, all his own.
Kyle does not want to flee with Zoe, I care none of the care. They get on a bus to Orlando. IT WAS EPCOT! Still don’t care.
And thus “ends” an episode with zero stakes. Everyone who once lived is still alive. Not silver bullets nor decapitations ever stick. Boo show. Boo.