Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife Arrested For Waving Handgun Pulled From Her Vagina. Also Something About Aliens.

Cormac McCarthy's Ex-Wife Arrested For Waving Handgun Pulled From Her Vagina. Also Something About Aliens.The Smoking Gun brings us the almost perfect news story of Jennifer McCarthy — the ex-wife of your favorite novelist Cormac McCarthy — and how she was arrested for aiming a silver handgun at her boyfriend, while they were arguing about aliens, that she pulled from her vagina.

McCarthy went into her bedroom and later emerged “wearing lingerie and a silver handgun in her vagina.” She then proceeded to “have inner course with the gun,” according to the court fling.

While using the gat as a sex toy, McCarthy reportedly asked her boyfriend, “Who is crazy, you or me?” The probable cause statement, drafted by Deputy Chris Zook, does not indicate whether McCarthy’s boyfriend dared to answer that query.

We assume the … barrel? … was inserted into her puss while the handle thingy (grip?) rested on the outside, somehow, without slipping down. Maybe held up by her panties? Maybe just strapped right the fuck in, like with a strap? Maybe she has been Kegeling 1000 times a day for the past 40 years and can just cold hold a gun in her clam with her sugar walls of steel?

Unfortunately, the very terrible journalists at The Smoking Gun did not even bother to ask this most basic journalistic question, and so we will never, ever know.

[TSG]

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  • Señor Skwerl

    Fantastic. Cancel all my appointments. Must forward to every internet user right now!!!!

  • Duckler

    Er, uh… What?!

  • The handgun in the vajayjay (is vajayjay still a thing?) actually makes more sense than the Cameron Diaz character in The Counselor FUCKING A CAR. That movie, reviewed at HNTP of course, was written by Cormac McCarthy..

  • Lazy Media
  • Ellis_Weiner

    Plus, Chris Zook. This thing is perfect as a sonnet.

  • unhipcat

    sounds like an extremely competent source from whom i’d take advice about vaccinations, alrighty

  • David Johnson

    Who knew that Cormac was married to Jenny McCarthy? Explains a lot, actually.

  • A silver hand gun beats a bristle brush every time.

  • Mahousu

    The movie’s already been made (ok, yeah, it’s coming from a different orifice, but still …): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shyness_Machine_Girl(Previous attempt a little too NSFW.)

    • msanthropesmr

      Uh. How did you know that existed? Reminds me a little of the work of Maruo Suehiro – I think did some incredibly disturbing artwork on the inside cover of one of John Zorn’s albums…

      • Mahousu

        How did I know? How could I not know?It’s who I am. It’s what I do.

  • Botlrokit

    I find this very dangerous to masturbate to.

  • Joseph

    Was there anything else in there besides the gun/ A two-suiter? A Fiat 500? I need time to process this.

    • Ellis_Weiner

      “Walk? If I can find my keys, we can drive out.”

      • Joseph

        Did you leave them on the little hook at the door?

  • Farb
  • gullywompr

    I just got a great idea on how Star trek could replace the replicators…

  • msanthropesmr

    Thanks to the brave author of this piece for viewing The Smoking Gun website – home of the world’s stupidest, most racist, commenters – so that we could get this bizzaro story without having to sully ourselves. Journamalism is a nasty profession.

  • Annie Towne

    I’m not sure I understood the first paragraph–she pulled aliens from her vagina?

  • crazymonkeylady

    Expired Minds Want To Know! Did she use lube or grape jelly? Did the boyfriend tell her not to aim that thing at him, it could be over stuffed???

  • JC McCarthy

    September 16, 2014. First I would like to commend you on the “sound” reasoningwith which you approached the story regarding my arrest in January of2014. Like so many of your peers, youassumed that because the story was so outlandish it had to be true. What level of decay has the media descendedto when truth is determined by the level of a story’s incredulity? Based on adocument written by an obviously semi-literate sheriff who merely repeated thestrange tale told to him by an angry lover and founded on no evidencewhatsoever, nor any reasonable probable cause, you chose to repeat unfoundedaccusations and slanderous lies as if they were truth At no point did it cross your mind that perhaps this indeedwas a case of domestic violence and that the attacker may have lied to thesheriff to rationalize his assault on me. Additionally, had you done a cursory search of the phrase “domesticviolence,” you would have found countless results that included the statistic thatup to 90% of all victims recant their statements. Noting this, you might have been able toinclude a bit of reason in your hysteria-induced article. Instead, you and the rest of social mediaperpetuated the abuse originated by Mr. Paleologo and maintained by lawenforcement. In February of 2014, I passed a polygraph examination with ascore of +18. A passing score is+6. If I understand correctly, thechances that an individual with a score of +18 has been deceptive are.003. During the exam, I was asked if Iplaced the gun inside of or anywhere near my vagina. I answered no. I was asked if I ever pointed a gun at Mr.Paleologo. I answered no. I was asked if he placed his hand around myneck and squeezed. I answered yes. The test showed I answered all threequestions truthfully. Also, I havephotos of the bruise on my face and the handprints around my neck that resultedfrom Mr. Paleologo’s attack.In June of 2014, the District Attorney agreed to meet with me and my attorneysto listen to my version of the events that occurred on January 4th,2014. A few days later the case wasdismissed. I write this eight months after your article appeared as ithas taken me a considerable amount of time to pick myself up, dust myself offand stand tall after the pain and anguish that resulted from the events ofJanuary 4, 2014 and afterward. You need to know that you and your peers contributed to thatunnecessary hardship. For your sake, Ihope karma does not exist. Sincerely, Jennifer C. McCarthy