Constantine RECAP: Two Ghosts in the Big Easy (S1:E5)

constantine promo

Open on a drunk guy in the French Quarter of New Orleans. He pees on a wall, and we discover he’s a cop! Two women encounter each other in the alley where he’s relieving himself. The one wearing a surgical mask stabs the other with a pair of scissors. The drunk cop shoots at the woman with the scissors, but the bullets go right through her. I have to say, this is not what I was expecting when a drunk guy stumbled out of a bar.

The latest in ironic hipster fashion.

Surgical masks: the latest in ironic hipster fashion.

Cut to Jasper’s house. Zed’s complaining again, but Chas is back! John’s got a spinny thing that tells stories. You know, one of those old timey movie things that make pictures look like they’re moving when you look through the little hole. Zed has a vision of a woman teaching her son how to shoot a gun. Somehow this means we’re going to New Orleans.

CONSTANTINE RECAP: Two Ghosts in the Big Easy (S1:E5)

“Also, I finally got to smoke a fucking cigarette. Will you comic book fans shut up about it now?”

In the alley from before, John puts on a supernatural mood bracelet, and it turns blue which means orcs are near the killer was non-human. That is some incredible sorcery. Then the drunk cop shows up! He’s sober now, and his name is Jimmy. He was the little boy in Zed’s vision and recounts the story of the non-human killer story to John. They’re friends now.

John and Zed do some close talking about respecting each other while checking into a hotel. Also, Zed doesn’t like champagne.

Optimal conversation distance: 8 inches

Optimal conversation distance: 8 inches

We cut to a road at night, and an old man picks up a teenage boy hitchhiker. He asks some creepy questions and immediately molests the kid, whose name is Philip. That literally took three seconds.

Back at the hotel, the elevator opens and Zed has a vision of a wooded street at nighttime. There’s a tree with some scars on it, and then she almost gets hit by a car. She’s an idiot even in her visions.

Back in the car, the old man asks some more creepy questions, but Philip disappears! He reappears bloody in the street in front of the old man’s car, and he runs off the road to miss him. The boy comes to say some creepy shit to the old man and walks away.

"19 Kids And Counting is my favorite show. Creeeeeeepy."

“Spiders and anchovies and Duggars.”

Chas is back in the old school taxi from the pilot! He, John, and Zed are on their way to the site of the accident we saw a few moments ago. They found it by the most ancient sorcery known to man—the police scanner. Zed is wearing…a bondage harness. Seriously what the fuck. The cops, who apparently don’t believe in any kind of crime scene security, tell them that the old man lost control of the car and hit a tree. He’s apparently still alive and asking about Philip. Jimmy the Drunk Cop shows up and arrests John, because apparently John called the police about the wreck before it happened. Smart. He also reports that there have been several accidents of a similar nature in this area recently.

"But if you somehow manage to get out of these handcuffs, all charges will be forgotten. That's the law here in New Orleans.

“But if you somehow manage to break out of these handcuffs, all charges will be forgotten. That’s the law here in New Orleans.

Soon after, Chas is using the glowy blue bracelet to track down the killer. He saves a man from her, so she targets him instead. She asks Chas if he thinks she’s pretty, and he says yes. If a ghost asks you if she’s pretty, you obviously say yes. She takes off her surgical mask, revealing a huge gash across her mouth, and asks again. Chas says yes. He’s literally the only smart person on this show. Guess that doesn’t matter though; she kills him with scissors anyway.

"Do I have something on my face?"

“Do I have something on my face? I feel like there’s something on my face.”

John and Jimmy the Drunk Cop are at the police station. Jimmy asks a few questions, and John insists that the killer was a ghost. Somehow, Jimmy is doubtful. John makes a show of breaking out of his handcuffs because he hasn’t showed us what a badass he is yet this episode. Jimmy has identified the masked killer as a model who had her face slashed open with scissors by another model. After losing the face that was her career, she killed herself. Tammy, the model who maimed her, is now out of prison. He has also identified Philip, who died while hitchhiking when the car hit a tree. John’s new mission is to speak to Tammy and Philip’s grandmother in an attempt to discover why they woke up now, rather than at another time. Then John and Jimmy do some close talking about the supernatural, and it’s way better than when Zed is involved.

Back in the alleyway, paramedics are coming to rescue Chas. Just as they start CPR, he wakes up, Jack Harkness style. His cuts heal right in front of everyone, and Chas is like, “Yeah, uh…I just hit my head. I’m good.” If this were science fiction, this would be the last we see of Chas before he disappears into a government experimentation facility. But it’s urban fantasy, so the normies don’t matter.

See, I told you ObamaCare worked.

All better now. See, I told you ObamaCare worked.

John speaks with Tammy, who says she slashed the other model’s face when her career exploded and Tammy’s didn’t. Damn, I knew modeling was cutthroat, but I didn’t know it was cutlips.

Zed is talking to Philip’s grandmother, with whom the young man used to live. He was generally a shithead and eventually she kicked him out of the house because tough love. That night, Philip hitched a ride into New Orleans, and the driver lost control of the car, killing him.

We discover that both the model and Philip’s grandmother feel incredibly guilty and could hardly live with what had happened. Both had gone to see a medium to speak with those they had wronged and gain some closure. Guess who the medium was? Papa Midnite! Told you we hadn’t seen the last of him.

Cigarettes AND Papa Midnite. Will you comic book fans finally start watching the shows?

Cigarettes AND Papa Midnite. Now will you comic book fans finally start watching the show?

Papa’s performing séances for metric shittons of money, and John interrupts. It’s pretty hilarious, like some atheists interrupting a televangelist. John tells Papa Midnite that instead of just letting people speak to their dead loved ones, he’s actually bringing them back from the dead to go on killing sprees. Papa’s like, “you took my fuckin’ devil record, you fuckin’ fuck,” and knocks John out. What, no backup?? Come on, John. You’d think you’d learn from last time you saw Papa and the SAME THING happened.

Jimmy encounters Zed at the accident site and suggests she gets in his car so they can try to pick up the hitchhiking ghost. Couple of geniuses. Meanwhile, Papa’s throwing a temper tantrum to some skulls, asking if John was telling the truth. The skulls say yes.

And if you can't trust a severed skull...

And if you can’t trust a severed skull…

John wakes up in the trunk of Papa Midnite’s car and breaks out of his handcuffs again. Papa has gone to visit the woman whose séance he was performing last night when John so rudely barged in. She is very sick, and her husband is back from the dead. Papa gets back to the car and discovers John in the driver’s seat. John rubs in how right he was about the dead guy coming back to life and draining the woman’s life force. Papa’s all “there’s something wrong with my magiccccc,” and John’s all “duhhhhh, why didn’t you notice soonerrrrr?” and they team up to solve the mystery. That’s contingent, of course, on John getting to speak to Papa’s dead sister once this is all over.

Jimmy’s saying some creepy stuff to Zed about her past, and Philip shows up! They stop and tell him to get in. They’re so dummmmbbbbbbb. Zed and Philip talk for a minute and Philip disappears, reappearing in front of the vehicle. In a shocking moment of intelligence, Zed doesn’t swerve but drives right through Philip. He disappears again.

John and Papa are in a beautiful New Orleans cemetery. They are there, it seems, to dig up the bodies of the people who are back from the dead. John rubs in how right he was again. The plan is to bless the bodies, take them back to Papa Midnite’s place, and burn them, which surprisingly goes pretty smoothly.

Digging up three bodies and dragging them to your car is surprisingly commonplace in New Orleans.

Digging up three bodies and dragging them to your car is surprisingly commonplace in New Orleans.

Zed and Jimmy pick up Philip again in an attempt to keep him off the road and from killing anyone else. Zed creeps out the ghost by talking to him about his grandmother. It’s too much even for him, because he asks her to pull over. I’m with you, kid, she’s pretty terrible.

Well, John and Papa’s plan went pretty well until the bodies refused to burn. Then there’s a dick measuring contest about who’s better at magic. After a few guilt trips are added in, John says he’s figured out why the spell didn’t work. Cut to commercial. Yawn.

John brings the three women who had their loved ones raised and tells them the ghosts are being kept alive by guilt. Is this like Harry Potter where Harry’s kept alive by love? Because lame. They try the ritual again, and the corpses erupt into flames, while the three raised dead people disappear into smoke. So three people can just stop feeling guilty on command? That’s a cool trick, teach me!

Also easy to get away with in New Orleans

Also easy to get away with in New Orleans

Zed and Jimmy are still on the street in the woods. He used to work for missing persons and that’s how he recognized her earlier. But he’s deleted her missing persons file because he’s just that nice. He kisses her hand super weirdly, and Zed has a vision of him as a bloody ghost. Oooooo, Jimmy just got interesting.

Pictured: Interesting

Pictured: Interesting

John and Papa are sharing a drink, and John demands to speak to Papa’s dead sister. It seems she’s the skull from before. How can John talk to her and not bring her back from the dead? Magic isn’t very consistent. The sister reports that a darkness is coming. Who are you, Manny? Fucking vague and unhelpful answer. She does add, however, that it will be brought on by someone close to John. I’m betting it’s Zed. Then maybe John will have to vanquish her and she’ll go away.

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TV Show: Constantine

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