Constantine RECAP: Manny Gets Laid (S1:E12)

constantine promo

Open on a well dressed young woman walking through a bad part of town. She speaks with the only other white guy in the scene and buys two syringes of some kind of drug—her brother’s funeral is tomorrow, and I’m guessing hers won’t be long after that. She leaves, the street lights flicker, and some kind of hulking monster attacks her, injecting the syringes into her heart. Cops arrive, believing it to be the scene of a murder, but surprise! She wakes up, a bit more veiny than before.

Veins! The #1 symptom of supernatural and sci-fi diseases.

Veins! The #1 symptom of supernatural and sci-fi diseases.

John gets home with mystical groceries, and Chas tells him both the scrying map and the police scanner are unusually quiet. God, peace is so boring. One end of a piece of yarn is tied to a table—apparently Zed has gone exploring the house and left herself a trail. John finds his way to her, telling her it’s the same thread Ariadne used to find Theseus in the labyrinth. They talk a little about her last mistake, or the time she thought she could be a medium, and how nobody is ever ready to battle demons. Oh hey! John says it happened in New York. Mystery solved finally!

Manny shows up and tells John that he needs to help a young woman who will be brought to a hospital with what looks like an overdose. Then he tells John he can’t use the scrying map anymore and sets it on fire. Instincts are better than actual instructions, duh John!!!

Instead of using The Doctor’s psychic paper to sneak into the hospital like last time, John stabs Chas with a screwdriver and then drives him to the emergency room. Because John sucks at plans. Zed touches vein girl once they get inside and she sees a light and an angel. The lights flicker and vein girl crashes while Zed has a seizure. This week on Constantine: all the damsels in distress.

John and the newly healed Chas (wait, does Chas heal quickly, too? I thought he just came back from the dead?) go to the morgue to see vein girl, who has now died. On the way, a man with facial skin grafts catches John’s eye when he’s rude to a nurse. Welp, we’ll see him again I’m sure.

"I'm physically unattractive and therefore the villain? That's some bullshit."

“I’m physically unattractive and therefore the villain? That’s some bullshit.”

Oh! There’s the psychic paper—er…playing card. John uses it to persuade the drunk orderly in the morgue to go get drunk somewhere else. John performs a quick spell and decides that vein lady has been taken over by dark matter. He sends Chas back to the millhouse to see if Jasper had any pertinent research.

Meanwhile, Zed finds out from a doctor that she has a mass that could be a tumor. She thinks it’s what’s causing her visions, but John thinks she’s stupid for believing in science. Drunk orderly continues drinking in a supply closet and is the next victim of hulking demon guy.

Manny appears to John, who freaks out and demands Manny heal Zed’s tumor. Manny refuses, obviously, so John uses a vial of air from Hell on him, trapping Manny in the body he’s occupying. Muahahah, suck it self-righteous angel bastard!

"Also, I'm going to take this opportunity to carve the starship Enterprise onto your chest for some reason."

“Also, I’m going to carve the starship Enterprise onto your chest.”

Manny’s all “But Joohhhnnnnn I can’t use my angel poweeerrssss!!!!” and John’s like “Really, asshole, it’s not like you use them anyway. Now learn how to run without falling down, you’re embarrassing me.”

They follow flickering lights (basically a dark matter trail) to the supply closet and find the drunk orderly, quite bloody and mutilated. Manny pukes in a trash can because angels aren’t used to smells. To Manny’s dismay, John reaches inside the dead man and discovers he has been touched by the Black Diamond, which is why his heart is glowing purple. Manny can explain this one—a great sorcerer did really bad things, way back in the day. God destroyed him, and his power solidified into one solid stone. An angel broke the stone into many pieces, and the great flood spread the fragments all over the world.

John then sends Manny to research how the two victims might be related while John goes home to get his own little piece of the Black Diamond. Manny’s not happy about it, but he is funnier than usual and might actually help. Mortal Manny is best Manny. He doesn’t really know how to use a computer so he has to get a nurse to help. She wastes no time before hitting on him and making him really uncomfortable. Or turned on. I’m not sure he knows himself.

"You're someone I've never seen working here before, but you're in a white coat and using our computers so I'm sure your legit. Sex?"

“You’re someone I’ve never seen working here before and you have no idea how to use our computer system, but you’re in a white coat so I’m sure you’re legit. So… sex?”

Then she drags him to a different storage closet for a little angel/mortal mixer! Temptation. Manny’s facing it and failing miserably.

Ever wanted to see an angel's O-face?

Ever wanted to see an angel’s O-face?

While Manny’s screwing around (see what I did there?), John and Chas are experimenting with the Black Diamond fragment. Chas holds it and the dark veins begin to appear on his skin. He can’t seem to drop the stone, and John’s cattle prod comes in handy once again. They both fall to the floor, and the diamond fragment falls back into its tiny box, just like the time the One Ring fell right onto Frodo’s finger. Unlikely.

Manny’s sorry he gave in to his feelings, and John tells him the rules are archaic and he should be proud of making himself (and a woman!) happy because sex is the best. He’s very overwhelmed by being a human and doesn’t want to do it anymore. Sorry Data, the emotion chip has become fused to your neural net and you’ll just have to deal with your emotions ‘til the movie’s over.

"Just wait 'til you discover blowjobs!"

“Just wait ’til you discover blowjobs!”

Manny did discover, though, that both victims were addicts who had fallen off the wagon. Mortals wasting second chances makes Manny grumpy, and he suggests someone else might feel the same way—the angry man with the skin grafts, for example. Apparently Morris had fallen asleep while smoking and the fire killed his wife and children, so now he spends his days getting skin grafts and being abrasive to everyone around him. John goes to speak with Morris, and Manny goes to speak with Zed. He meets her doctor—a former corpsman with the Marines who still has shrapnel too close to his heart to remove. This will be important later.

Zed, now’s your chance to talk to an angel! Use it well! She asks him if she’s going to die and if her powers are a gift or a curse. Manny doesn’t have any angel powers right now, so it’s his turn to just give a pep talk. Though we all know he wouldn’t have answered her questions even if he could. She cries a little and decides to decline any treatment of her condition so that she can keep her visions. Because there’s nothing about Zed’s power they won’t steal directly from Angel.

John follows the flickering lights to Morris, which shouldn’t have worked because he’s not the attacker; he’s the next victim. Hulking monster guy is attacking him, and John is thrown back when he tries to intervene. Manny finds John, but it’s too late for Morris. He uses this time to tell John he should be nicer to Zed and mentions her doctor in passing, which is lucky because John suddenly realizes he must be the guy. AND HE COULD BE ALONE WITH ZED RIGHT NOW OMG.

"If you don't laugh at my favorite YouTube cat video, I'm summoning a demon to kill you."

“If you don’t laugh at my favorite YouTube cat video, I’m summoning a demon to kill you.”

He’s actually about to get upset with her about giving up her second chance, but John and Manny arrive just in time. The shrapnel in his chest is a piece of the Black Diamond, but he manages to run away before they can do anything. John uses his shard of the diamond as a compass toward the doctor, and Manny and Zed follow. Zed has a vision of the white light again and realizes that it means Manny must save the day. John releases Manny from his human body, and Manny takes the doctor to heaven, leaving behind the shard of Black Diamond. John already knew only Heavenly Light could fight dark matter, so why didn’t he do this earlier? Plothooolllleeeeeeeee.

Zed is praying in a church, and John sits in the pew behind her.

"This isn't distracting, is it?"

“This isn’t distracting, is it?”

Manny shows up, and she can see him now! She asks him again where her visions come from, and he avoids the question, even though he has his heavenly powers, just like we all knew he would. John makes a joke about them getting it on, which isn’t really all that farfetched considering recent indiscretions. Manny did SO MANY THINGS in this episode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TV Show: Constantine

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  • Hatori

    Dear Mary Lou Who,Can I be your Facebook friend?The only thing more wonderful than your recaps is that soon (Finagle willing) there will be no more Constantine to recap.–Hatori