Constantine RECAP: John's Get-Out-Of-Death-Free Card (S1:E9)

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Last time on Constantine: Zed is kidnapped by her cult leader daddy’s followers, and John is shot and left for dead in a sewer in Mexico where a baby-eating vampire nun demon is about to kill him.

Twiiiissstttt!!!!!!

First, the good news: the babies make it to the surface safely, thanks to Sister Anne Marie’s quick-thinking gunshot to John’s gut. Now, the bad news: that whole gunshot to John’s gut thing. But just as the Invaunche is about to kill him, John casts some kind of spell onto himself that gives him scary eyes that frighten away the monster.

oooooo, scary

oooooo, scary

 

Manny shows up, super pissed about whatever John just did. Oh, invite a demon into his body. Thanks, Manny. Whatever, dude, you wouldn’t have come help, so be as pissed as you want. The demon healed John’s wound and scared off the Invaunche.

Sounds okay to me. Who knew demons could be such mensches?

Angels still entirely worthless.

Angels, on the other hand, are still entirely worthless

Zed is tied up in the back of a van having visions. She wakes up and tries to get out. The driver pulls over; she overpowers him and escapes. Wow, good job, but… nope. You still suck.

So both of our cliffhangers are immediately and easily dealt with. Cool, guess we can change the channel now.

There's a 75% chance TBS is showing The Big Bang Theory at any given moment.

There’s a 75% chance TBS is showing The Big Bang Theory at any given moment.

Not so fast… Chas finds John and brings him back to the convent. He tells Chas that he’s got a couple of days to exorcise the demon, or else Chas has to kill him to stop the demon from taking over. Chas is like, “Noooooo! John, I love y–well, okay.” But the demon has his own time table and takes John over immediately, then runs away.

Chas calls Zed and fills her in on Anne Marie shooting John and John deciding he’d rather take up residence with a demon and die a couple days later than die immediately. She’s on her way to Mexico now, without sharing any of the stuff that happened to her. Yaaaaaay.

John’s in prison in Mexico! Sure this isn’t an episode of Locked Up Abroad? He meets with someone from the British consulate and finds out that he’s killed five gang members during his blackout. John basically doesn’t give a shit, tells him everyone should thank him, and demands he be released. Consulate Dude refuses.

John somehow finds a clean shirt in the prison yard and goes to talk to Pedro! I voted for you, dude, where’s Napoleon? How did you get in here? I thought your cousins were in the business of keeping high schoolers from getting bullied, not an ACTUAL gang. John’s lifted Consulate Dude’s wallet and gives it to Pedro, I mean Julio. They come to some kind of unspoken deal, but then Julio becomes Manny! Apparently he’s less pissed now and still wants John’s help…and says nothing else of use.

Julio is back again and kindly offers to get John drugs and women, but John just wants to go to the prison chapel. Surprise.

Chas and Zed tell Anne Marie that John isn’t dead but called a demon (demon KING, corrects Anne Marie) into himself to save his own life. Anne Marie refuses to help find John until Zed tells her that John, professional asshole, talks to an angel on the regular and Anne Marie the nun doesn’t get to. Haha, sorry, Anne Marie. This convinces her to help them find John, though. Jealousy is a powerful force when your show doesn’t pass the Bechdel Test.

Meanwhile, Consulate Dude meets in the dark with a creepy guy who asks about John. Consulate Dude has arranged to make sure John doesn’t leave the prison for a long time, because Creepy Guy needs him there to keep him from interfering with Le Brucharia.

Creepy Guy says thanks and murders Consulate Dude with a tentacle being that comes out of his mouth. So no surprise there.

Julio has led John to the chapel…and three hulking dudes looking for revenge. John’s demon comes out and makes short work of the gang members. Good thing this demon only attacks evil thugs so we don’t have to feel bad about John turning himself into an unstoppable murder machine to save his own life.

Not pictured: anyone worth worrying about

Not pictured: anyone worth worrying about

John wakes up and now everyone is scared of him. He’s the king of the prison! Anne Marie appears to him in the prison yard, still jealous as fuck. They say basically nothing, other than that she will tell Chas and Zed where to find John.

Now John’s little helpers have to sneak into the prison with some exorcism supplies, including a giant knife. Luckily, Zed grew up near a prison like this one and knows “exactly how they work.” God, she’s so conveniently useful today. Good thing all prisons are pretty much the same.

She takes off her bra, sways her hips, and follows some hookers inside. Chas, on the other hand, punches a cop and gets arrested. They seem to be equally effective techniques.

Zed finds John first. He is having trouble holding back the demon and says he doesn’t have much time. Anne Marie shows up to help! She didn’t have to sneak in since she’s a nun, and I’m not exactly sure why she wants to help at all. She tells Zed that she should leave John immediately after this one last adventure because he’s NO. GOOD. Soon Chas shows up too, and they get ready for the exorcism in the prison gymnasium.

Putting the exercising back in exorcising

Exercising or exorcising?

Anne Marie throws some holy water around, and John gives no reaction. He says that means he’s too far gone. Creepy Guy from earlier comes in and kills Chas. John tells Anne Marie to use the knife to kill him before it’s too late, but she uses it to kill the Creepy Guy instead.

An alarm sounds, and John wakes up in a hospital wing. Chas wakes up in a bodybag nearby and helps John and Anne Marie come up with a plan. They decide to sedate John as long as possible, and Julio brings them all the drugs in the prison. Should be enough?

Who knows.

Once John’s sedated, they put him in a body bag and wheel him out of the prison. Chas and Anne Marie disguise themselves as doctors taking a body away. Anne Marie uses bilocation to appear naked nearby and distract the guards. This show’s so silly.

What's silly about this?

What’s silly about this?

The trio gets John back to the house. In Atlanta. Wait, what? The demon can heal a gunshot wound instantly, but it can’t keep the body it’s inhabiting from being sedated? Were they not worried at all about him waking up and killing everyone on the plane? Or being questioned when they brought a “dead body” onto a plane? How does that even work? Seriously dafuq.

Zed confesses a bit of her past to Anne Marie, but John interrupts, saying only Anne Marie can perform the exorcism. Even though only a fully legit priest can usually perform such a ritual, apparently she saw some serious shit at Newcastle and now she’s qualified.

"If this doesn't work, I call dibs on his apartment."

“If this doesn’t work, I call dibs on his apartment.”

Anne Marie throws around some holy water again, and this time John really doesn’t like it. He thrashes and then tells Anne Marie the ritual isn’t working. The lights go out (it’s okay, they’ve got glowsticks) and shit flies around everywhere. Considering how adamant they’ve been about everyone NOT TOUCHING ANY ARTIFACTS LEST SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES, there better be some serious consequences.

"I said Evian, not Desani!!!"

“I said Evian, not Desani!!!”

The demon starts insulting each member of the trio in a deeply personal manner and then floats off of the bed, with just restraints keeping him down. If he doesn’t throw up pea soup or hold someone’s face to his crotch soon, I’m going to be really disappointed.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board

Light as a feather, stiff as a board

Zed yells at Anne Marie about how much self-hate she has and how she has to forgive herself and try again or the demon will be released. She takes a moment of introspection and–woah, it totally worked! Anne Marie can work through her issues really fast, no therapy needed! Oh, also, Manny was watching the whole time. And not helping.

Everyone kisses and makes up, and Anne Marie heads back to Mexico. And they all live happily ever after? Probably not, there’s still 4 episodes left this season (or ever).

TV Show: Constantine

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