Constantine RECAP: Attack of the Baby-eating Vampire Nuns (S1:E8)

constantine promo

Open on the hospital wing of a gorgeous convent. A woman has just given birth, and a nun comes to check on her while her husband stands nearby. The nun is British…if this episode goes by the pattern of the rest of this series, I bet she knows John. Sister Anne Marie goes downl to the cathedral and is frightened by another nun who is like, “Yeah, man, this place is fucking creepy. But it’s okay, it’s just rats.” Because that’s not scary at all. Meanwhile, a shadowy figure with long claws (dementor???) hovers over the newborn. When the mother notices, it rips her throat out and steals the child. The nuns and the father are understandably distraught, screaming just as loudly as the dead woman had.

Zed’s drawing again. Well, scribbling mostly. She’s churned out pictures of angels, Noah’s ark, and others, and John tells her when you touch an angel’s heart you get visions of the Old Testament. Kinda random, but okay. She’s also drawn the Invunche, a creature that looks just like a dementor and ripped people’s throats out back before Noah’s flood. Hmmmmm, I’m guessing they weren’t all wiped out and one just ate a baby.

noah's ark

“…there’s gonna be a blood-sucking creature-y, creature-y.”

A woman appears next to her in a nightgown, and Zed’s just like, “John, you forgot to let one of your conquests out, come take care of this.” He comes back downstairs, and zomg! It’s Sister Anne Marie and guess what, John knows her. Called it! She says something stole a baby and she needs his help. She asks him to come to Mexico to the convent. Zed’s just like, “But how did you get in the house?” and John’s like, “Christ, Zed, she’s not actually here. Do you not know how magical holograms work? Fucking moron.” Anne Marie disappears, and John notes that she must be desperate to come to him for help because she hates him. Does anyone *not* hate you, John?

John tells Zed she’s still too screwed up from the angel heart to leave the house, even though she speaks Spanish and would probably be super useful in Mexico. Also he wants to go alone since Anne Marie was at Newcastle, and we all know how much John hates talking about Newcastle. He heads out with Chas because apparently Chas counts as “alone.”

The pair arrive in Mexico and are surprised to find themselves at a convent. They’re immediately encountered with the language barrier, and Chas says something about bringing Zed although Anne Marie immediately shows up so it’s okay. John’s all like, “OMG YOU’RE A NUN?! But what about all the times we did it??? Does this mean we can’t do it again??????” and she’s like, “Fuck you, John. Hey, Chas, missed ya.” She tells John what happened and is all offended by how flippant he is. You know this man, are you really surprised he’s making jokes about skinny dipping right now? Anne Marie’s made a vow of service to atone for what happened to Astra and is still pretty messed up about it, duh. She’s also pretty messed up over believing John isn’t messed up about it, moron.

"What about second base? Is second base still all right?"

Nuns often where skirts that cut off at the knee, right?

Zed’s drawing the Invaunche again (so if you hoped she was gone from this episode for good, tough titties), and she discovers a room that opens into a bottomless void. I’m sure this will be useful later.

Anne Marie takes John and Chas to the hospital wing to investigate. John sees a mouse hole and thinks it might be related. Mousekethieves! They begin a ritual with runes and candles to help discover what kind of being took the baby, but the whole thing catches on fire which is apparently good? I guess that means the baby might still be alive.

They need a link to the baby’s soul and decide to dig up the placenta! John and Anne Marie rehash what a dick John has always been while digging. Then John picks one of the pears from the tree above the burial site. It’s covered in…skin. Human skin. When he cuts it with a knife, blood squirts out. Icckkyyyyy!!!!!! But apparently this means the baby is alive and John knows who took him.

John and Anne Marie sit down with the baby’s father, Hugo. John believes that one of Eve’s (as in Adam and Eve) sisters took the baby. In the beginning, the other sisters chose to be goddesses of Hell rather than be obedient to God on earth. Interesting deal. They receive a phone call that another baby has been taken. Oh noes!

Zed is in an art store, and the naked model from the last episode “randomly” runs into her and asks her out! Not creepy at all. They head out for drinks immediately, because neither of them want to be wearing pants anymore. She touches his hand and has a weird vision of him wearing white. She then immediately invites him back to her place. See? Pants are clearly an issue for these two.

"Want to come see my etchings?"

“Want to come see my etchings?”

This time, the mother didn’t wake up when the baby was being stolen and is therefore still alive. Good for her! A teenager comes in and speaks to Hugo. He’s Hugo’s son! Which makes the stolen baby Hugo’s grandson! But Hugo didn’t even know his son had a girlfriend! Scaaaanndaaalllll!!!!!! Apparently there’s ANOTHER scandal too, because one of Eve’s sisters is targeting this guy’s family. Oooooo he’s in troubblleeeeeee!

John heads out to a courtyard where someone recently used a fog machine. He spreads worms around a fountain, preparing a ritual that will allow him to see the face of Eve’s sister in the water. Just as he begins, one of the other nuns confronts him, telling him he must go upstairs. He finds this first stupid and then suspicious, when the worms start to go crazy. Turns out she is the one stealing babies, and she attacks John, returning to her dementor-like form. She puts his head under the water, attempting to drown him, but he is able to stab her and get free. She runs off.

Zed brings naked guy back to Jasper’s house. In a surprisingly intelligent turn of events, she beats him up a little and asks why he’s following her. He says her father wants her home, calling her “Mary.” She apparently hates being called by my name, so she knocks him out. Might Zed have just gotten a little interesting?

"I'm tired of being everyone's least favorite person on this show!"

“I’m tired of being everyone’s least favorite person on this show!”

While Anne Marie bandages up John’s scrapes, he tells her, Chas, and Hugo that the sister’s name is Lamashtu and she’s a vampire. She also likes to eat babies. They decide to go speak with Hugo’s grandmother, who knows about their family history. She immediately knows what they’re talking about—saying Le Brucharia is back to track down their family. John notes that Le Brucharia are ancient warlocks that don’t exist anymore. Hugo’s grandmother disagrees; they’ve just been in hiding. Her grandfather was one of them, and her father ran away to save his family.

John realizes Le Brucharia are behind the “rising darkness” that Manny won’t shut up about. They are coming back because not even Hell would take them in. Finally some goddamn answers! John decides to fill a dead chicken with Hugo’s blood to draw out Lamashtu. Then they can follow her to her babystash. Anne Marie agrees to give the “baby” to the demon as a mother’s sacrificial offering, though we can’t be sure it won’t take her as well.

Because even baby tastes like chicken?

Because even baby tastes like chicken?

Back at Jasper’s, Zed has handcuffed the man called Eddie. He wants to bring her home to her father, and Zed understandably doesn’t want to go—apparently she spent most of her childhood in a locked room. Eddie says that she is their salvation. Eddie’s brought two friends along for the ride and they come in, guns drawn. Zed threatens to kill Eddie so one of the others shoots him. Well that empty threat didn’t work.

John is prepping Anne Marie for the sacrifice when they stray into thoughts of the past. Again. Anne Marie was the one who introduced John to the occult, so really we have her to thank for this show! Thanks, Anne Marie! Can you get rid of Zed for us? It seems her guilt is over that fact also, not only what happened in Newcastle. John kisses her and she kisses him back. Guess she doesn’t hate him that much after all. The sacrifice begins, and the dementor flies around a bit before extending its three-fingered chicken hands to take the chicken baby.

"Do you want fries with that?"

“Do you want fries with that?”

In rush the cavalry, and Hugo shoots at Lamashtu. Dude, she’s standing literally RIGHT NEXT to Anne Marie. You could have shot a nun! I do not believe you are that good of a marksman. John, Chas, and Anne Marie chase Lamashtu down a manhole outside the convent.

Meanwhile, Zed is running through Jasper’s house trying to get away from the two religious fanatics. She gets into a chick fight with the woman, and I’m just glad they don’t pull each other’s hair. Zed shoves her into the void room she found earlier. Good job, Zed!

In the sewers, the three split up to look for the babystash. Anne Marie and John quickly find both infants mercifully alive.

CONSTANTINE RECAP: Attack of the Baby-eating Vampire Nuns (S1:E8)

“I will love him, and squeeze him, and call him George.”

They take them and are quickly caught by Lamashtu. John asks why she is working for the Le Brucharia and threatens to kill the children if she doesn’t answer, hypothesizing that she must deliver them to her bosses unharmed. Anne Marie’s freaking out. It seems the warlocks promised to give Lamashtu domain on Earth after they destroy the barrier between Earth and Hell. I mean, we already knew the barrier was getting thinner, is this really a huge surprise?  John seems to think so. He waves around a pendant holding the power of one of Lamashtu’s former lovers and it sets her on fire.

The man catches Zed and knocks her out with an injection. Welp.

John and Anne Marie pass off one of the babies to Chas, and he gets away. Before they can run too, they think they  hear a third baby crying. In the moment they hesitate, an Invunche catches up with them. Anne Marie pulls out a gun and points it at John. She shoots him in the stomach, giving her time to get away with the baby. Not nice, Anne Marie!! The Invunche creeps up to John, and we cut to credits. Wait what?? But what happens? I just want to know, is Chas okay????

"What do you mean Arrow did this same cliffhanger first?"

“What do you mean Arrow just did this same cliffhanger?”

TV Show: Constantine

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