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VIDEO: Cleavagefield (2009)

The Porn Critic reviews Jim Wynorski’s Cleavagefield, a porno of epic proportions, which  completely fails to comprehend the concept of a found footage movie. Find out what it would have looked like if J.J. Abrams modeled the Cloverfield monster after Pete’s Dragon, and enjoy a brand new installment of Does It Make Sense? with your host Bane!

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  • Cheshirecat

    Is the picture leading to this video the movie’s cover art? I have a pretty warped sense of humor (maybe that’s why I enjoy your reviews). But I have issue, as a proud American, with the image of the statue of liberty in a compromising position. Many may disagree. Many more may not even care. Oh, well, I guess there’s a market for everything.

    •  “Hey, she’s tough. She’s a harbor chick”

      • Cheshirecat

        Though, I fear, even more disturbing than Lady Liberty with her dress down… that strip tease at the 8 minute mark will haunt me for at least the next few minutes. Wow… just, wow.

  • ThePopcornJockey

    i remember watching this on Cinemax and the only reason i watched it was on the name

  • MichaelANovelli

    I’ve seen this once or twice, but I never made it to the ending…

  • Sheriff of nott

    several things are unclear about this criticism:
    1) why is the critic’s shirt only un-ironed around his moobs? is in an ejaculatory thing?
    2) why is Glitter on his cock when we know the glam rocker only liked girls?
    3) the issue on how Savile felt about children.  I don’t think they had breast.
    4) who would win in a fight – Bane or logic?
    5) that is all

  • Misinformed

    At the 15:23 mark came a close-up I’ll never forget.

  • Liam Barrett

    SAVILLE.

    Your friends are awesome.

  • StevePotter

    Bane is a wonderful addition to the cast.

  • Cameron Vale

    “All the close-ups you’ll never forget” only agrees with the imperfective.  The statement could make sense though, provided that the girl and cameraman are engaged or newly married.

  • Misinformed

    This was a great review, very funny.  I have an annoying question.  In your theme tune, I lose track of what the vocoder/autotune voice is saying in the middle.  I understand this much:   “I’m just The Porn Critic with the funny glasses on … [unintelligible to me] … You’ve got big tits.”  What’s the part in the middle?

    • “I’m just a Porn Critic with the funny glasses I’m askin’ how comes you’ve got big tits!”

      The entire song as performed by a drunk, stoned Danny D can be found here! http://www.khu.sh/usersong_4e2dfd1415be5

      • Russell Brin (Facebook Sux)

        The nerd in me asking…what is Tanya Tate really like?  She was great in the YouTube video visiting the MotU convention dressed as She-Ra, and seems like a genuine nerd, her other stigma notwithstanding…and you got to interview her!!!!  Lucky bloke.

        •  She’s fun! I’ve worked with her a few times. She does love to dress up but I’m pretty sure her supposed love of superheroes and anything nerdy all comes from her husband, who’s a huuuuuge fanboy! And also her manager!

          The latest film I made with her was WEIRD SCIENCE XXX, I even wrote a role for the porn critic!

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhfZCjPgO88

          • Russell Brin (Facebook Sux)

            Hello, I’m a cop.  I’m undercover.  OK bad line but it looks like your movie fits the story better than Busty Cops.  Good thing I like Asian chicks or else Busty Cops would’ve made me more angry.  Also at least your movie looks more true to its source material than Dragonball: Evolution ever did.  What rubbish.

      • Misinformed

        Hee hee.  That’s great.  2nd dumb question (if you’re game for another):  did you base the “Dick Bush” pseudonym on the real name of Ken Russell’s cinematographer (also “Dick Bush”), or come up with it independently? 

        •  I ingeniously came up with the name of Dick Bush by… using my actual name.

          • Misinformed

            I see.  So you got your name from the owners of the parental dick and bush from whence you sprang.  Nothing wrong with that…  It’s a fine name!

  • Josh Langland

    FUCK YEAH! CLEAVAGEFIELD! Now this is my kind of movie. Giant monsters! Boobs! What more do you need? 😉

  • mofs

    Another great review, although I’m not sure sure too many people outside the UK will get the Jimmy Saville references. Are you going to be doing part 2 of your Eiken review anytime soon?

    • groupthinker1984

      I certainly didn’t get the Jimmy Saville references, if that helps confirm your theory. Is that what the blond wig guy at the end is supposed to be?

    •  Those Jimmy Saville references are purely for the Brits! And the “The More You Know” bit was purely for the Yanks. I like to be balanced that way.

      The reason I never did part two of Eiken was because it’s all just more of the same. I wouldn’t have anything new to say about it. It’s big tits, campy humour and embarrassing sexual moments.

      I did start taking notes and writing a script but I wasn’t feeling it. And if I’m not enjoying writing a review then it’s not going to be funny. The only way it would work is if I co-hosted it with a huge boobed porn star. That’s my plan.

      • mofs

        I can’t believe you’d struggle to find a bib-boobed porn stars. Call it a hunch …

        • True, but I would need them to come to my house and do the review for pretty much no money!

      • MichaelANovelli

        Well, that’s all well and good, but if you’re not going to do it, you have to say so in another video, otherwise it’s not “canon”…

  • Jess

    So i just spent a good hour or so watching all your porn reviews… fucking HILARIOUS! Also, is that a thong on your face for Bane’s mask? I…….I think I love you…….

    • Thanks Jess. And yes… yes it was a thong on my face. And not for the first time. I hope you’re following me on Twitter in that case. @dickbush:twitter 

  • I’m only 1:28 in but I have to comment… I will never be able to look at you without picturing your penis covered in glitter from now on.