Celebrity Apprentice RECAP: Outfielder vs. Slope Stylist, 70-Year-Old Toddler vs. 50-Year-Old Stripper (S14:E3)

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Episode 3 is another double header. In the first contest, baseball star Johnny Damon takes on Olympic snowboarder Jamie Anderson. Then, Geraldo Rivera, thrower of many a temper tantrum on this very show, takes a second turn at project manager, this time facing off against celebrity Chippendale Ian Ziering. Who will hit it out of the park, and who will strike out and get fired?

As the episode begins, the celebrities gather to rehash previous events. Actress Vivica Fox says that since the women are down one player (Keisha Knight Pulliam, fired on episode 1) and the men are down two players (Kevin Jonas and Gilbert Gottfried, both fired on episode 2), it’s “pretty much even Steven,” which is… not correct.

The Donald lays out the first task. The teams will each produce a four-page fitness editorial for Cosmopolitan. Whichever team makes the spread that most impresses the editors will win the prize. Since the task is fitness-related, both teams choose an athlete for project manager. Baseballer Johnny will head up efforts for the men’s team and snowboarder Jamie will take the helm for the women. Alas, Jamie is playing for the charity organization Protect Our Winters, which unites the winter sports community to fight against climate change. Given what the Donald has previously implied about global warming (that he still gets cold sometimes), I don’t this Jamie can win.

Still, she is clearly psyched about the task, and she wants to focus the magazine spread on natural beauty.

"Gnarly, dude!"

“Gnarly, dude!”

The other Olympian, Shawn Johnson, seems to agree, but the rest of the ladies aren’t exactly into the natural look. Real Housewife Brandi Glanville says, “This is Cosmo magazine, not yoga zen.” The other Real Housewife, Kenya Moore, says that Cosmo is all about sex and that the theme of their pages should be “touch me,” with a focus on toning up the body parts men like to touch. Shawn says there could be  exercises to “get the Kenya Moore booty,” but Brandi says you can “just buy it.”

Oh no she didn't!

Oh no she didn’t!

Jamie doesn’t love the “touch me” idea, but she doesn’t shoot it down either. She decides to mix that message with a “championship challenge” of exercise tips from herself and Shawn.

Over on the men’s team, the guys are flipping through Cosmo and coming up with ideas. Geraldo pitches the idea of a selfie-themed spread. His inspiration: himself. In 2013, Geraldo infamously tweeted a mostly-nude selfie, proclaiming “70 is the new 50.” It went viral. The guys like Geraldo’s idea. Footballer Terrell Owens comes up with a slogan: “Love your self(ie) naked.” Project manager Johnny says he’ll pose with his wife, who has been a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition model, for the photo shoot. This leads to all sorts of shenanigans as Geraldo tries to show Johnny how he should hold his woman:

CELEBRITY APPRENTICE RECAP: Outfielder vs. Slope Stylist, 70-Year-Old Toddler vs. 50-Year-Old Stripper (S14:E3)

The new “It” couple?

Back on the women’s team, Jamie is still trying to listen to everyone and assign tasks.

"These dreamcatcher earrings help me hear multiple points of view"

“These dreamcatcher earrings help me hear multiple points of view”

Proving that she has learned nothing from previous events, Jamie assigns mother of eight Kate Gosselin to “help with time management.” Kenya wants to do the writing, editing, and layout of the magazine piece, since she has “written a book before.” (Well, if by that, she means that she has had her agent hire a ghostwriter to write a book for her, I suppose that is true, but why quibble, since who really cares about writing anyway?) Kenya would also like to model for the photo shoot, but the rest of the group thinks Brandi is a better choice. (The actual athletes–Jamie and Shawn–are not serious contenders. They have the least fit-looking bodies of the whole group and will only appear in one photo, completely covered in an American flag.) The choice of Brandi as the main model pisses Kenya off, and she leaves the meeting in a huff.

The men’s photo shoot seems to go well, with Johnny and his wife striking sexy poses and Terrell and a fitness model doing the exercise shots.

The women’s shoot is a little more contentious. Some male models arrive to pose with the girls, and Jamie sends Kate and Vivica out to buy props, telling them to be back within an hour (yeah, right!). Having been passed over as a butt model, Kenya assigns herself to the role of “butt model coach.” She keeps yelling at Brandi to arch her back and lift her leg so her booty will “pop,” but it ain’t working. Brandi reiterates that, while her booty might not pop like Kenya’s, at least it’s real.

Booty or no, the photos get taken, but Kenya doesn’t like what she sees. She thinks Brandi should show more skin. At first, Brandi doesn’t want to take off her top. She says she’s had two kids and has spent more time on the couch eating potato chips than in the gym working out lately, so she’s out of shape. The other women assure her that her abs can be Photoshopped, so she finally agrees and strips all the way down to her bra and panties.

See? She's a total cow.

See? She’s a total cow.

Where are Kate and Vivica with the props for the final pictures? Jamie, who didn’t even send them out to shop until after the photo shoot had already started, is annoyed at them for running late, which is kind of like the pot calling the kettle an idiot. Anyway, they finally arrive and the shoot gets done.

Over on the men’s team, the guys are writing the copy for their spread. Ian’s piece is an essay about his wife taking a pole dancing class. (Ian has worked for Chippendales, so I guess it’s sweet that he and his lady share the same interest.) Geraldo is looking over Ian’s shoulder and trying to give him writing advice. So far, Geraldo’s writing hasn’t been very successful on this show, but Ian is throwing out phrases like “filled my love tanks to the brim,” so clearly he needs the help.

For his next outrageous act, Geraldo strips down to his underwear and boots and starts pumping iron.

"I'm mostly confident about my body, but strangely self-conscious about my feet."

“I’m mostly confident about my body, but strangely self-conscious about my feet.”

He wants his picture in the magazine spread. The other guys think that he’s a little, um, old, for the Cosmo crowd, but they snap the shot anyway.

Both teams present their editorials to the Cosmo editors and then head to the boardroom with Trump. Comments on the guys’ side are mostly positive, but on the ladies’ side, Brandi admits to not liking Kenya and even calls her “evil.” The women discuss who was mean to who, and Jamie says Brandi’s comment on Kenya having a bought booty was especially mean. The Donald goes, “You mean you can get artificial asses now?” Like he didn’t know that.

The Donald, expressing mock surprise

The Donald, expressing mock surprise

As for the Cosmo editors, they like the men’s selfie concept and the personal essays but thought their spread lacked specific diet and exercise takeaways. (My personal takeaway is that learning to pole dance will “fill my [partner’s] love tanks to the brim.”) The editors felt that the women’s editorial hit all the right buzzwords but wasn’t very cohesive. They award the win to the men. The cash prize goes to Johnny’s charity, which is… the Johnny Damon Foundation.

"And if anything is left over, I'll deposit it into the General Fund"

“And if anything is left over, I’ll deposit it into the General Fund”

No, seriously, the Johnny Damon Foundation provides leadership opportunities for disadvantaged kids.

The men leave the boardroom, and the women stay behind to hash out their issues. Since the main reason for the women’s loss was the disjointed theme, the Donald asks Jamie whose fault it was. She points to Brandi and Kenya for steering her toward a sex theme rather than the championship challenge idea. She says she went along with it to keep the peace, but Trump insinuates that she should have pushed for her own idea. Trump daughter and yes man Ivanka suggests that if she was going to go with the sexy theme, she should have just eliminated her and Shawn’s part altogether. The Donald asks the ladies who they think he should fire. Talk show host and voice of reason Leeza Gibbons says Kenya, who did the writing and layout, and Jamie, the project manager, were most responsible for the project. Brandi has a different opinion. She thinks Trump should fire… Kate.

What the hell?

What the hell?

Brandi says Kate is always, um, out shopping, which is exactly what she was asked to do. Most of the other women seem to think Brandi should be fired because of her negative attitude.

Now, Jamie gets to pick who will be up on the chopping block with her. She says she doesn’t know who to choose, and she asks the Donald who she should pick. He won’t say, but he all but mouths “Brandi!” It’s like Jamie isn’t even watching the show. She goes with Kenya and Kate. Because it’s how this show works, the three of them have to go back out into the lobby and stare at each other awkwardly for a while before being called back into the boardroom. During said staring, Kate and Kenya manage to convince Jamie that Brandi should be the one to go. When the ladies get called back in, Jamie tells Trump she made a mistake and asks if they can maybe revisit the whole firing Brandi idea. Trump says no, that ship has sailed. Jamie is fired for being, like, maybe, sort of the least decisive person ever.

Kate and Kenya emerge triumphant from the boardroom, and all the other players gather around. The most pressing question of the day has still not been answered, though, so Terrell asks it: Is Kenya’s booty real? Kenya says he can feel for himself.

I can't believe it's not booty!

I can’t believe it’s not booty!

On to challenge number 2. This time, the celebrities will set up a wedding boutique and sell wedding dresses, but this is one of those fundraising challenges where the task is only nominally the task because the real job is raising the most money. They can sell the dresses for any price to any person, so basically the celebs will just spend all their time on the phone calling rich people to ask for donations.

This makes for riveting television

This makes for riveting television

There is one twist, though. The Donald switches the players around so it’s no longer just men against women. The new Team Infinity consists of Johnny, Leeza, Terrell, and Ian, plus Brandi and Kenya because you sure wouldn’t want to split those two up. Team Vortex has Vivica, Kate, Shawn, and Geraldo, plus crab fisherman Sig Hansen and soap actor Lorenzo Lamas (yeah, those guys are still in it). Ian and Geraldo step up to be project managers.

Geraldo gathers his troops. He tells them he already has $130,000 lined up and asks how much money everyone else can bring in. People are telling their numbers and Kate pledges $50,000, an ambitious amount since last fundraiser she brought in exactly diddly squat. We’ll see how that plays out.

Over on Team Infinity, Ian, who says he’s already got a good $185,000 in pledges, is motivating his minions with a motivational speech. He’s telling them all about his charity, the Epidermolysis Bullosa Medical Research Foundation, which is trying to cure a disease that causes skin blistering. He is going on and on about children with epidermolysis bullosa and says “let those kids be your why.” He says to either be a person of money or a “person of value.” Kenya is eating it up.

I, on the other hand, will write a check for $2,500 right now if he will just agree to take off this jacket and then not dance provocatively. It’s hard to believe the guy from Beverly Hills 90210 is now 50 years old

I, on the other hand, will write a check for $2,500 right now if he will just agree to take off this jacket and then not dance provocatively. It’s hard to believe the guy from Beverly Hills 90210 is now 50 years old.

Kenya pledges to bring in $10,000, and Ian says if she does that, she will earn a “seat close to God.” Hmmm… I am thinking she might just earn a seat close to Ian in the boardroom.

The celebrities start making their phone calls. In an attempt not to have any drama with Kenya, Brandi is sitting apart from the rest of the group. This, of course, causes drama. Ian asks her to come and join them, and Brandi says he shouldn’t worry about her, he should worry about Terrell, who does seem to not be doing much. Terrell has apparently already run out of people to call, so he’s passing the time eating sandwiches and waiting for people to call him back.

Over on Team Vortex, the celebrities are having donations come in. Kate still hasn’t seen any money yet, so she tries to make herself useful in other ways. She gets some hairdresser friends to set up a salon at the dress shop to bring people in, and she decides that she and Geraldo should dress as a bride and groom.

This ought to create a spectacle

This ought to create a spectacle

Meanwhile, Team Infinity is decorating their shop. Ian looks around for Brandi’s help and realizes she is gone. She has left him a message saying she is having panic attacks. She has gone back to her hotel room to rest but says she will continue to send out emails soliciting donations. Kenya says Brandi is a crazy bitch, which is a thoroughly unsurprising opinion. Ian is really stressing out over wanting to raise more money than Geraldo. He says he has a sleepless night ahead. Vivica says it’s turning into quite a pissing contest.

In the morning, the money starts really rolling in, and a lot of it is coming from Brandi’s donors. It seems she really was working pretty hard even though she separated herself from the group. Ian has some friends from Chippendales at the shop taking pictures with customers. It seems to be working, and people are buying dresses left and right.

They’re doing a lot of sales over at Team Vortex’s shop, too, and fisherman Sig Hansen is reeling in single women off the streets.

"Follow me and I will make you fishers of men"

“Follow me and I will make you fishers of men”

There are five minutes left before the shops have to close, and Kate’s big donor still hasn’t arrived. She’s on the phone with him, he’s at 18th and 6th, he’s on 20th, he’s there. Her donor arrives with a $30,000 check, just in the nick of time.

Now, it’s time to go to the boardroom and count the money. Both teams say they are confident that they won the contest. The Donald admits that they both raised a lot of money, collectively nearly $600,000. He also tells them that the totals were just $2,500 apart. Given both teams’ stellar performance, Trump asks the project managers if they want to stick to the original terms of the contest, that the winner’s charity gets all the money, or if they want to agree to each just donate the money their own team raised to their charity. Geraldo and Ian decide to go for option two, so both charities will win.

So, who produced the biggest pile of piss? (Sorry. I’m a girl, so I don’t really understand about pissing contests.) It turns out that Geraldo’s team made slightly more money, so someone from Ian’s team will be fired. All the ladies on Team Infinity brought in boucoup bucks, so Ian selects the other two guys on the team, Johnny and Terrell, to join him in the boardroom. In the end, it all comes down to the numbers, and since Terrell brought in close to nothing, he’s fired.

With Jamie and Terrell down, that’s two athletes gone in a single episode, which is fine by me, since they are some of the more boring contestants. I say: more housewives, fewer jocks!

TV Show: Celebrity Apprentice

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