We dig into Joshua’s Movie Madhouse archives (back when it was known as Anarchy at the Movies) for Disney’s underwhelming adaptation of the Edgar Rice Burroughs novel that inspired countless sci-fi adventure films, John Carter, starring Taylor Kitsch and Lynn Collins.
Cheapus attempts exposure therapy to overcome his fear of spiders by watching Eight Legged Freaks, where spiders in a small town get exposed to toxic waste, grow to enormous size, and terrorize the locals, including David Arquette, Kari Wuhrer, and a 15 year old Scarlett Johansson.
Sofie went to the theater to see one of the few movies she could see at the same time as the rest of the world (dubbed into Danish, alas). Here’s her review of the epic Rise of the Guardians, starring the voices of Alec Baldwin as a Russian Santa Claus, Hugh Jackman as the Easter Bunny, Chris Pine as Jack Frost, and Jude Law as the Boogeyman!
UPDATED Nov. 23, 2012 with commentary from Count Jackula and Horror Guru!
You know what’s awesome? Resurrecting dead pets. All this happens and more on this special black and white episode of Friday Night Fright Flicks, as Horror Guru and Count Jackula review Tim Burton’s Frankenweenie!
Joey lays out the top five reasons you should see the underrated Dr. Seuss gem Horton Hears a Who! This video is in the same vein as his Cat in the Hat review, except that movie sucked!
Not only does it reference Sailor Moon, Dragon Ball Z, Star Wars, and literally every movie ever made, but it also got the attention of George Lucas, who (unsuccessfully) filed a federal lawsuit against the makers of this movie. The Porn Critic checks it out to see if there’s any chance in hell he might confuse it with the real Star Wars.
How adorable is Steve Rogers? Very adorable. Ursa talks Captain America, leadership, and donzerly light. Though she may have got that last part wrong.
It’s another Requested Review! This time, Sofie reviews The Muppets, the 2011 movie starring Jason Segel, Amy Adams… some kind of lizard-thing called Kermit, and several other weirdos.
Mendo doesn’t care if this was the first movie ever filmed in his hometown, he’s gonna say what he really thinks! Also, before you ask, yes, that is a real product.
Join Johnny Oldschool as he watches the internet videos that make you say “WTF?” including an edible baby, an egg you can masturbate with, bizarre anti-drug PSAs, and a Claymation scene created by guys who clearly didn’t watch the aforementioned PSAs.
It’s the bizarre cult classic The Apple, a gay sci-fi biblical musical allegory directed by the future producer of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. It’s the far-flung year of 1994, where society is ruled by a fascist, totalitarian record label called BIM, and the only ones who can liberate humanity are two virginal folk singers from Canada.
Sofie goes back and digs through her pile of Requested Reviews for a rather special request: The original, unaired pilot to what went on to become a very successful show, Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender!
Count Jackula and Horror Guru go on a killing spree due to the last entry of the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn: Part 2, starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner.
With Hotel Transylvania director Genndy Tartakovsky onboard to direct a new CGI adaptation of the popular sailor man, Joey takes a look at how it should be done!
Stephenie Meyer’s novel gets split into two movies to extract an additional billion dollars from Twi-hards who line up for these things no matter how tedious or repulsive they get. And this one is certainly repulsive, as Bella gets pregnant with a half-vampire baby who treats her womb like a bouncy castle, Edward performs a Cesarean with his teeth, and Jacob embarks on an 18 year quest to groom his future wife.
From the depths of the cheapest Mexican cinema comes Jarry Putter, a softcore porn parody of the Harry Potter franchise (specifically Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone). Renegado and the Porn Critic team up to guide you through this rare, random, and weird gem.
The Fear Fan gives his quick review of Silent Hill: Revelation 3D. Spoiler alert: It’s bad.
This time Sofie has a special… freakish guest as she looks back at all three animated incarnations of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: the beloved 1987 show, the less-beloved 2003 show, and the entirely brand new 2012 Nickelodeon show. Sofie and her companion compare the three shows, and she even reveals her favorite turtle!
Mr. Mendo reviews Skyfall, the latest film in the James Bond franchise, starring Daniel Craig and Javier Bardem.
Any description we put here is going to be overshadowed by the fact that this movie has a classically trained actor playing a one-legged cyborg with an electric penis.