Category: Movies

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VIDEO: DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)

Based on the video game of the same name, it’s a film with a risky concept: Gather four hot women (Holly Valance, Devon Aoki, Sarah Carter, Jaime Pressly), put them in as little clothes as possible, and have them fight each other! Luckily for Cecil, the concept works, making for one of the best video game adaptations ever.

VIDEO: Pieces (1982)

It’s one of Cecil’s favorite slasher films ever, starring Christopher and Lynda Day George, “Bruce Le” [sic], and the kid from Pod People tracking down a serial killer who’s dismembering coeds to create a jigsaw puzzle made from body parts. Whoever the killer might be, one thing’s for sure: he’s a real bastard. Bastard!! BASTARD!!

VIDEO: Holes (2003)

Shia LaBeouf is teenager Stanley Yelnats (geddit?), who’s falsely accused of a crime and sentenced to a concentration camp juvenile detention camp where the kids are forced to dig holes each day. Meanwhile, in flashback, we learn how Stanley’s entire family was cursed by Eartha Kitt, and how Patricia Arquette was a notorious bandit back in the 1800s.

VIDEO: Atlas Shrugged: Part I (2011)

At long last, it’s the movie adaption of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, now a Tea Partier’s wet dream! The VP of the country’s most important railroad and the owner of the country’s most important steel company join forces to save the economy and answer the burning question (and meme-before-memes-were-a-thing): Who is John Galt?

VIDEO: Transformers (2007)

Sofie takes on Michael Bay and his big, dumb, loud first entry in the Transformers series, starring Shia LaBeouf as a high school kid who befriends alien robots and, even more unbelievably, dates Megan Fox. While not as horrible as the two sequels, it’s still full of enough obnoxious humor (an Autobot pisses on John Turturro’s head! On camera!) to make it a chore to sit through.

VIDEO: Double Dragon (1994)

Loosely based on the arcade game of the same name, Double Dragon stars Party of Five‘s Scott Wolf and future Iron Chef host Mark Dacascos as two interracial brothers living in post-apocalyptic Los Angeles in the far-flung year of 2007. With the help of Alyssa Milano, they protect one-half of an ancient Chinese talisman from falling into the hands of crime lord Robert Patrick, who will stop at nothing to reassemble the medallion and gain absolute power.

VIDEO: The Fifth Element (1997)

A force subtly known as the Great Evil threatens the earth, so it’s up to 23rd century cab driver Bruce Willis to bring together four element stones and Milla Jovovich (as the titular Fifth Element) to unleash a Divine Light to stop the Evil. Will they succeed, or be defeated by Gary Oldman’s awful (southern?) accent?

VIDEO: Delta Farce (2007)

Renegado gets angry at Delta Farce, the disastrously unfunny comedy starring Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, and DJ Qualls as a group of National Guardsmen who crash land in Mexico and for some reason think they’re in Iraq. The movie scores some points for casting Danny Trejo as the bad guy, and the exquisite Marisol Nichols as his woman, but immediately forfeits those points by including Jeff Dunham and his talking jalapeño puppet.

VIDEO: American Pie (1999)

Liam gets all nostalgic for 1999, pre-internet porn, soundtracks
featuring Third Eye Blind and/or Blink-182, and American Pie, the blockbuster teen sex comedy where four friends (Jason Biggs, Chris Klein, some other guys) make a pact to get laid before prom, and set their sights on the likes of Tara Reid, Alyson Hannigan, Shannon Elizabeth, and one unsuspecting pastry.

VIDEO: Spice World (1997)

Watch as the Spice Girls revive a kid from a coma, help deliver a baby, encounter aliens, and talk various celebrities who all should have known better (including Elton John, Bob Hoskins, Elvis Costello, and Hugh Laurie) into making cameos!

VIDEO: Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Essentially a 100-minute forced meme, the movie stars Samuel L. Jackson as an FBI agent protecting a key witness on a flight to L.A. to testify against the mob. To rub the guy out, the bad guys release dozens of angry snakes on his plane, which is surely the dumbest airplane-related scheme to take out a witness since Airport ’79.

VIDEO: Crash (2004)

Ryan reviews Crash, one of the worst movies to ever win the Best Picture Oscar. Brought to you by former Facts of Life writer Paul Haggis, Crash is the movie that dares to say racism is bad, while teaching us all to be better people through laughter, tears, and Sandra Bullock.

VIDEO: Se7en (1995)

Full of Questions proves she’s no sloth by providing snobby analysis of one of her favorite mystery movies ever: David Fincher’s Se7en starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman as two cops on the trail of a serial killer (Kevin Spacey), who murders people according to a fun, seven deadly sins-related theme!