Category: Agonizer

The Agonizer is for all posts that don’t fit in any other category, including comic book reviews, book reports, editorials, rants, and more!

Video: Snakes on a Plane (The TV Edit)

“Not only did they take an idiotic R-rated B movie famous for its internet buzz-worthy title and make it safe for family viewing, but they also allowed one guy with a computer and a TV capture card to cause a minor sensation that swept across the globe, and ultimately inspired a bit on a late night talk show.”

Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" (part 2 of 2)

I know what you’re thinking: Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat”? Are you for real? (Actually, what you’re probably thinking is Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat”? What the fuck? But I took the liberty of cleaning up your thoughts for you.)Well, ever since I started this new Agonizer section where I can post short articles, I’ve been jonesing to do an in-depth review of a short piece of film. Like, say, a music video. And what music video could possibly be worse than Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat”?

Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" (part 1 of 2)

I know what you’re thinking: Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat”? Are you for real? (Actually, what you’re probably thinking is Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat”? What the fuck? But I took the liberty of cleaning up your thoughts for you.)Well, ever since I started this new Agonizer section where I can post short articles, I’ve been jonesing to do an in-depth review of a short piece of film. Like, say, a music video. And what music video could possibly be worse than Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat”?

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt (part 2 of 2)

“Steven Seagal, former bodyguard turned actor, who once claimed to have worked for the CIA, and who now claims to be a reincarnated Tibetan lama (though not a reincarnated llama, which is probably closer to the truth), has taken time out from his busy direct-to-video acting career and burgeoning singing career [!] to develop a brand new kind of energy drink. I know this much is true, because I’ve purchased and consumed exactly two (2) cans of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt in both of its powerful flavors: ‘Asian Experience’ and ‘Cherry Charge’.”

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt (part 1 of 2)

“Steven Seagal, former bodyguard turned actor, who once claimed to have worked for the CIA, and who now claims to be a reincarnated Tibetan lama (though not a reincarnated llama, which is probably closer to the truth), has taken time out from his busy direct-to-video acting career and burgeoning singing career [!] to develop a brand new kind of energy drink. I know this much is true, because I’ve purchased and consumed exactly two (2) cans of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt in both of its powerful flavors: ‘Asian Experience’ and ‘Cherry Charge’.”