VIDEO: Blood Diner (1987)

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A pseudo-remake of the Herschell Gordon Lewis classic Blood Feast, and one of the most ridiculous horror comedies of all time. Two brothers (and their uncle, who’s just a brain and eyes in a jar) open a restaurant that serves the best food in town, and the secret ingredient is all the people they killed in sacrifice to resurrect the goddess Shitaar.

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  • Richard Eriksson Hjelm

    Allways nice to see one of your reviews well once I recovered from having been reminded of stan hellsing… which I actually saw I’m sad to say. Anyway question: will you do assault on dome 4?

    • Cecil_Trachenburg

      Thanks! I sat through about half of Stan Helsing before finally giving up. It was one of the worst of the spoof movies I’ve seen and I’ve seen a lot of them.

      Wow, Assault on Dome 4 I haven’t heard about that one in ages. I gotta track it down but most likely I’ll do it. Such a shameless Die Hard clone.

      • Richard Eriksson Hjelm

        But it does have bruce campbell as an over-the-top villain so still worth a watch

        • Cecil_Trachenburg

          Any movie with Bruce Campbell in it is worth at least one watch. Yes, even Congo.

          • Richard Eriksson Hjelm

            I know and so did the folk who wrote the description on the back of the DVD case that I have. I’m not kidding the description only mentions the main character briefly and then goes through Bruces filmography and builds him as the actual main character. Also he is the only one on the cover. There’s a fun fact for you

          • Cecil_Trachenburg

            That happens from time to time. There was a movie years ago called The Favor starring Harley Jean Kozak and Bill Pullman. The big draw on the movie was Ken Wahl who was the fairly popular hunk at the time. There was also this little known actor who had a very small part in the movie as the nerdy boyfriend and didn’t even make it to the poster…Brad Pitt. After he became huge they plastered his name and face all over the DVD, even though the movie wasn’t about him.

          • Richard Eriksson Hjelm

            the power of marketing

          • Bob_in_Baltimore

            Oh, but Congo has so much more than Bruce Campbell’s too-brief appearance! Let’s see, you’ve got:

            1. Some beautiful scenery porn of the jungle-covered volcano (filmed at Mount Arenal in Costa Rica, which I have visited, so I’m a little biased there);

            2. The attack on the lake by a bunch of enraged hippopotami.

            3. Laura Dern fighting an army of albino mutant gorillas with a frickin’ laser gun.

            Let me repeat that: There is a scene in which a character fights mutant albino gorillas. With. A. Frickin’. Laser. Gun. I just don’t know what else you could want in a movie.

          • Cecil_Trachenburg

            I enjoy Congo and still say “stop eating my sesame cake” at random intervals. My only gripe with it is how bad the lava looks at the end. The crumbling statues and buildings look great but the lava just doesn’t look quite right. Not a deal breaker though. The story is cool and I like how Laura Dern f’s over Joe Don Baker at the end. Plus, shooting gorillas with lasers.

  • Muthsarah

    Quick question, more later: On the subject of walking straight into genre tropes, the woman here going back for her purse instead of just running when she can, why would that work in this movie, but the same kind of obvious genre callback joke in the Scary Movie sequels, even if they also rely on repetition, never does?

    • Cecil_Trachenburg

      I can sum up why it works here in one word: brevity. In Blood Diner, she goes to the door and realizes she forgot her purse so she goes back, only to accidentally spill everything. She grabs a few things and runs to the door and gets killed.

      In a Scary Movie situation, she would go to the door and realize she forgot her purse so she goes back, and spills everything out of her purse. They would make sure to show she has all kinds of wacky things in there…a rubber chicken, a vibrator, a crowbar for some reason, etc. Then, they would have her return 50 other times for one reason or another before finally going to escape and get killed.

      Blood Diner was silly but they understood to not have the joke overstay it’s welcome.

  • Thomas Stockel

    They released this in a six pack with Earth Girls Are Easy? That’s just…weird.

    • Cecil_Trachenburg

      It seems like they just took 6 random films they owned the rights to and just packed them into one DVD. Parents and Blood Diner are the only two that really fit together, both having the cannibalism angle.

      • Thomas Stockel

        I remember seeing Parents. Man, Randy Quaid is all kinds of creepy in that film. It is the kind of horror film I find the most disturbing; the kind that makes you realize it could actually happen in real life. That is why to this day I refuse to see Misery. Kathy Bates breaking James Caan’s ankles in the commercial made me say “fuck that, I ain’t going”.

        • Cecil_Trachenburg

          Cannibalism, when done well, is freaky as hell. I agree, Randy Quaid was just creepy as all get out. A shame he never was able to go in that direction and instead became the sideshow buffoon in most of his movies.

          Misery was tough but the book was worse. Comparatively speaking, Kathy Bates in the movie was nice compared to the character in the book.

      • edharris1178

        I sort of dig that type of thing, it’s like those 50 movie packs Borders bookstores always used to have.

        • Cecil_Trachenburg

          I have a few of those Mill Creek sets as well. My only complaint is some of the movies, the quality is horrible when I know there are better quality editions out there. Not complaining all that much considering the price but I would pay a little more if each version was at least watchable. Some of the look like they were vhs rips from worn out tapes.

  • Sofie Liv

    Well.. it’s nice to know that juse ones in a while a female director comes by insiting that she can be at least as crazy as any male director has ever been.

    God, it’s some amazing films you keep on digging up, if for nothing else, they all look so entertaining!

    • edharris1178

      There have been a few instances, Punisher: War Zone for instance is one of the most insanely over the top action films in a long time and it was directed by a petite, soft spoken German woman named Lexi Alexander.

      • Cecil_Trachenburg

        PWZ was brutal. Alexander may be petite and soft spoken but she is a world karate and kickboxing champ so she knows a thing or two about violence.

        • Sofie Liv

          Oh yeah, that was a pretty sweet movie. As I said “Ones in a while.” ^^

        • MephLord

          I love PWZ. I think it’s an underrated gem in the pile of comic book movies, and one that is the most faithful to the Punisher source material.

          • Cecil_Trachenburg

            I like all 3 of the Punisher movies, each in a different way.

            The Punisher (1989) – Lundgren is awesome and he kills an entire floor of ninjas. So much ridiculous fun.

            The Punisher (2004) – A more serious take that followed story arcs from Year One and Welcome back, Frank. Thomas Jane did a great job and I thought it was a great new start.

            Punisher War Zone (2008) – A little more in line with the over the top nature of the Lundgren version. The blood was through the roof and Stevenson was merciless in the role.

            Dirty Laundry (2012) – Showing that Jane loves the character and really deserves to continue his story arc. I would love to see a sequel with this level of brutality with Jane in the lead. I think it would perfectly encapsulate what fans would want with a Punisher movie. (short of sneaking in a Spidey cameo…but that makes more sense in the books)

          • MephLord

            I’d love a Marvel Knights movie with Tom Jane as Punisher, while including Cloak and Dagger, Daredevil (not Ben Affleck) and Moon Knight. It would have to be R rated because if a villain is Taskmaster hired by Kingpin it’s going to be violent and super bloody.

          • Cecil_Trachenburg

            I would pay good money to see this.

    • Cecil_Trachenburg

      Thanks Sofie! This isn’t even me going obscure. You should see some of the ones I have that haven’t even made it to DVD. I even have ones that haven’t made it to VHS or home video at all.

      • Sofie Liv

        wauw… I applaud you.

        • I love the way Sofie says “Wauw”.

          • The_Stig

            There’s only one Sofie, and she’s all ours.

          • Sofie Liv

            Glad to be of service 😉

          • Cecil_Trachenburg

            Me too. When I read it, I hear it in her voice. Kind of like when you read “good news everyone!” from Professor Farnsworth.

          • Sofie Liv

            Considering that when-ever Farnsworth has good news it usually sounds like. “There is only fifty percent chance of dying today crew!” … that’s an odd comparison.

            But oh well, I suppose it’s the accent.. I guess, he doesn’t even have an accent just an old-mans voice. Who cares, Professor Farnsworth is awesome.

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            While we are talking about this – in the original version, Farnsworth and Fry are voiced by the same actor, yes?

            Tse – of course, in Germany we need an Extrawurst.(a Special Treatment), because in the German version, Fry is voiced by one voice actor and the Professor is voiced by another one – basically by the same voice-actor who dubbed Hayen Rourkes Colonel Doctor Bellows from “I dream of Jeannie”.

          • Sofie Liv

            loosers, here in Denmark we just sub such things as Family guy, Simpsons or futurama, we don’t dub a thing that aint aimed at kids.

            And yeah, Fry, Proffessor Farnsworth and Doctor Zoidberg are all voiced by the same actor, as well as a number of other characters 😉

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            For “subbed” version, I have to buy DVDs – I mean, I like to do that, because economy and stuff. But in the end, we get dubbed shows, thats why e.g. Season 3 of Sherlock will probably being aired half a year, after it was aired in UK. Thats why the 16th Conan-Movie is still not available, because they need to negotiate about the licensing rights, the voice actors etc.

          • Sofie Liv

            erh.. that is pretty much the same here, it takes AGES for any tely programme to get to the Danish TV stations, it can take as much as a year before it comes, if it even comes at all -_-;

            Movies are very selective as well, some comes on time, some doesn’t, I were honestly surprised that “Oz the great and powerful.” came out in denmark the same time as every-where else.

            Then there are movies as Cloud atlas and Les misrable… which sort of both first comes out at March 23th here. and yeah I am not kidding.

          • CaptainCalvinCat

            We don’t have that much of problems, when it comes to movies.

            Series however…. OH holy mother of frak.

            In January they released the third season of New Who and said “Wow, gee, wilkers, this is the new stuf”, when in reality we are having season 7.2 aired in GB. That is because the german tv-consumer apparently is stupid.

            When it comes to crime shows, horrorshows like supernatural or “original” shows like the umpteenth version of the same soap-opera or “Deutschland sucht den Superstar” (Germany has talent) – my people love the shit out of those…

            but Battlestar Galactica stayed three years in hiatus, because no one wanted to watch this, Doctor Who – same effect, no one wanted to watch it, because… I dunno… maybe Sci-Fi is nothing for the germans… you can see that, WHEN we want to to something sci-fi-related.

            We fail at this, every time.

            So, of course we don’t get american stuff.

            Caprica – the Battlestar Galactica Spinoff/Prequel – gets a DVD-Release before it is even aired in Germany.

            Smallville – Season 10 is done since 2010 or 2011. We have 2013 now and it still has neither been aired, nor dubbed, nor released on DVD.

          • danbreunig

            Well, of cause!

            I love the way she says *that*. Um, sorry, Sofie…but I think it’s cute.

        • Cecil_Trachenburg

          🙂

  • edharris1178

    I agree, it’s a damn shame stuff like this doesn’t get made anymore. Closest thing I can think of recently is the 2007 New Zealand flick Black Sheep. It’s definitely worth seeking out.

    • Cecil_Trachenburg

      Oh yeah! Black Sheep was very funny. It had a very Peter Jackson vibe, which was not surprising since they used Weta for the effects. (and it was shot in New Zealand)

  • Jeff Bradford

    Zombieland would definitely be my favorite of this genre. There are quite a few other ones that I like under this but if I got into them, this would be an extremely long post. Alls I’ll say is that I love your new intros that are custom made to match the movie, and it was a kickass review once again, Cecil. Cheers!