The Bachelor RECAP: Highs, Lows, Comebacks & Crazies (S19:E5)

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This is the point in the show where things start to GET REAL, my friends. That’s not (entirely) snark. No one can hide their true colors forever.

We begin with Farmer Chris in Santa Fe, so we know it’s going to be a location date. Back at the mansion, Host Chris Harrison fills in the remaining girls that there will be one group date, and two one-on-one dates, all of which will be taking place in New Mexico. The girls are really excited, especially Megan the Makeup Artist, who’s not quite sure the difference between New Mexico and the original, or even the Hollywood version of the original. Will they get to wear sombreros, she wonders aloud.

Today in Albuquerque

Today in Albuquerque

Farmer Chris is really excited to see whom of the 11 remaining girls he has a real romantic connection with. Squeaky Babymaker Whitney tells us in her cartoon voice that she definitely has feelings for Chris and she’s definitely excited to be in such a romantic city!

The first solo date card arrives for Karaoke Carly, and it says: “Let’s Come Together.” Her eyes bug out even more, somehow, and she also gets some serious side-eye from Kelsey the Bitchy.

Since they are in NM this episode, clearly some producer showed up with a bucket of Native American gear and had the women reach in and pull something out at random. Farmer Chris looks very Navajo in his burnt sienna sweater, and Karaoke Carly sports some “Southwest” jewelry. Chris says Carly is fun; he feels they a good start at friendship but he wants to see if there is something more.  They enter a giant house and walk through, shouting hellos, but no one answers. Carly says she may look back on this as the best day of her life! WTF???

They make it to the backyard to find a woman “meditating.” It turns out she’s a love guru!

Because that never goes wrong.

Because that never goes badly.

Chris says if she can’t bring out the intimacy between him and Carly, then it ain’t there. “’Cause nothing says intimacy like sharing your first solo time with a complete stranger in costume Navajo getup, amirite?!

The love guru has them don white smocks as she sages them up. Now I have to say–everyone busts on Bachelor Chris, but I think he’s sweet and pretty sincere. Chris says he is cautiously optimistic as the love guru has Carly blindfold him. Then she instructs Carly to “use her breath”—along with an assortment of berries and such—to “communicate” with Farmer Chris. Carly proceeds to rub his foot (albeit in a “sexy” way), and it’s just SO awkward I feel bad for them. She tries to feed him a chocolate-covered strawberry, and…it’s just…so not 9 1/2 weeks.

“Open up the hanger, here comes the airplane!!”

At least Carly is coming off as the least creepy she’s ever been, thanks to sharing the screen with the crazy love guru. Next, it’s time to strip. But hey, not like in a sexual way, but like as a metaphor for peeling away masks, which is in itself a metaphor. This is so awkward. Like watching the Bishop molestation scene in Primal Fear with your parents awkward. OMG IT IS PAINFUL.

Finally, Carly works up the nerve to say enough. Good for you, Carly! A moment of courage and authenticity. “It’s something for a married couple not a first date,” she says.

They have a sincere moment where Carly says, “She is willing to let go of her fear of not being worthy.” Then they straddle each other. Now we’re getting somewhere! But they’re not allowed to kiss. At least it’s sensual and kind of hot rather than cringeworthily awkward. They build up to a kiss, and—BOOM! Chris feels a connection with Carly!

Nothing remotely weird or uncomfortable about this whatsoever.

“Is that mannequin still staring at us?”

Back at the pad in Santa Fe, Kelsey the Bitchy, who sneers more than she speaks, is telling the brain trust of KardAshley and Teen Mom/Alien Lover McKenzie about being a widow and how her husband mysteriously dropped dead one beautiful day on his way to work. Suspicious???

And now for the group-date card. We get Kaitlin the Fun, Jade the Temporary Princess, Megan the Dimwit, Whitney the Babymaker, McKenzie the Teen Mom, Boring Becca the Virgin, Samantha (seriously, NOT A WORD as season!), KardAshley, and Kelsey the Bitchy.

Awwww, poor Kelsey doesn’t feel special and it’s unacceptable and she’s got the snide face to prove it!

Seconds later, she devoured a live mouse

Seconds later, she devoured a live mouse

But the one-on-one isn’t over yet… Chris and Carly sit down to talk about how awkward the day has been so far. And there’s no better cure for awkwardness than a Serious Talk, right? Carly says it’s time to get real and proceeds to tell Farmer Chris that her last boyfriend refused to touch her. (Now, I am no rocket science, but Carly works on a cruise ship, so maybe he preferred the sea men?)

Carly talks about how emotionally and physically uncomfortable the guru made her and says she’s never really seen herself as beautiful. It’s a heartfelt moment, and Carly seems more down-to-earth and less loopy than she has the rest of this season. This was a good day; Carly and Chris really do seem to have connected. Chris says Carly could be the perfect wife, and she scores the Rose.

Now on to the group date, dubbed “rapidly falling.” The gang is going whitewater rafting. A guide named Cisco comes out and gives them a safety talk tells them they are about to die.

Now that would be quality television.

Now that would be quality television.

 

They hit the Rio Grande, and they’re coasting along until the water gets a little rougher. Jade falls in, but she’s okay, but no she isn’t! It turns out she has a condition where she gets hypothermia in normal temperatures??? Chris needs to rub her feet, which is becoming a motif this week. It’s all pretty boring, up until THE BIG TWIST…

Jordan is back!!!!!!!!!!!

You remember Jordan?

The drunk one eliminated in week 2.

No, the other drunk one eliminated in week 2.

The upside-down twerker.

It's not like you'd recognize her face...

It’s not like you’d recognize her face…

Right. Her. She’s back. Wow, I don’t think anyone saw that coming. Mostly because no one remembered she existed.

Jordan wants a second chance. Guess what? The other women are super pissed. The ladies (still in their turquoise grab-bag jewels) start the shit talk. Bring on the confession booth interviews where everyone basically just says “why is Jordan here?” Seriously, bring back Crazy Ashley!!

 

You are missed.

You are missed.

Whitney is the (squeaky) voice of reason, which is a pretty low bar in this group. She says you don’t need to be mean to Jordan just because you don’t want her there. All the girls have an opinion, and as you can imagine, SAMANTHA WILL NOT SHUT UP. Just kidding, of course, she never said a word!!!!!!

What I want to know is WHERE IS OUR HOST CHRIS HARRISON in all this? Is he still being paid, because shouldn’t he have been involved in this Jordan hullaballoo?

Farmer Chris tells Jordan that he’s got a respect the process, he’s made his decision, and Jordan’s gotta stay gone.

We cut away from the drama to find out the next one-on-one date goes to Britt the Hugger, who we learn doesn’t shower. She’s already crying because she really really doesn’t like heights, and the date is called “The Sky’s the Limit.”

And back to the group date. The Rose goes to Squeaky Whitney; and as much as I hate her voice, she may well be the easiest to not hate as a person, so I can’t really fault Chris for this one.

"(dolphin noises)"

“(dolphin noises)”

Speaking of easy to hate, KardAshley throws a temper tantrum because she deserves everything more than everybody else. Poor McKenzie the Teen Mom is on the receiving of her rant, in which she talks a complete and utter trash about Whitney and then wraps up by saying, “And she hates me, and I don’t even know why!”

Whitney gives a rather deft (if squeaky) assessment of KardAshley, saying, “She’s not even pretending to be something she’s not, and that’s the scary part.”

The second one-on-one starts with Chris waking up Dirty Britt at 4:00 a.m. Chris remarks that Britt looks just as beautiful first thing in the morning as she does all dolled up for a rose ceremony, but maybe that’s because she’s sleeping in a full face of makeup. I hope she at least brushes her teeth.

Seriously, that's like an inch deep of base and lipstick

Seriously, if she slept face down there’d be a perfect copy of her face on her pillow.

Karaoke Carly bitches about being woken up at 4:00 a.m. by a guy she likes—and just had an emotionally revealing date with—coming over to pick up some other chick for a date. You can’t really blame her. Carly also confirms that Britt does indeed put on makeup to go to bed every night. Well, that explains that: she can’t shower and constantly keep all her makeup on. It just makes sense, ladies.

Brett is terrified that she’s gonna have to jump off something, but it’s revealed that they’re really just going up in a hot air balloon. The day goes great, and Chris says (for the ?th time), “This is the perfect date with the perfect girl.” Spit is exchanged.

When I said I was afraid of heights, I didn't realized there'd be a whopping half inch of wicker underneath me. It's totally cool now.

When I said I was afraid of heights, I didn’t realized there’d be a whopping half inch of wicker underneath me. It’s totally cool now.

Back in the NM pad, all the women talk mad shit about Britt, calling her manipulative and phony. I understand Carly feels vulnerable after her date and everything, but her journey to self-actualization might not best be played out on The Bachelor? But that’s just ME.

The women are also talking shit because Britt said she didn’t understand the desire to get married and have children. And I want to defend her because she’s 27 and maybe she’s not ready for that—and it’s okay even if she never wants that—but, um, isn’t that like going on Jeopardy! and saying, “I hate trivia and don’t really understand the desire to win money.” She does know what the prize is, right?

She's just in it for the roses.

Maybe we should introduce her to Juan Pablo.

Britt comes back, and all the women stare daggers at her but Kelsey stares daggers at her with a scarf on. She looks like a librarian schoolmarm, and not in the sexy porn way. Gather ‘round, children, Kelsey the Bitchy has a story to tell! And she is not going any place without telling Chris!

Kelsey re-tells Chris the same story she told earlier about her husband’s unsolved murder mysterious death. It’s all so phony bake sale PTA president-slash-black widow serial killer that I don’t know whether to run in terror or bid on the movie rights. It’s all so amazing and tragic, she says. “I love my story,” she says. “RUNNNNNN!” I shout! She kisses Chris ON HIS NOSE and says “hi” afterwards. She’s going to kill him, isn’t she?! THAT MEANS SHE’S GOING TO KILL HIM! And just when you think she can’t get any creepier, she starts talking about herself in the third person. Is this bitch for real? The best thing is, she really thinks she is hot shit! I don’t know why Kelsey is so confident? Is it a front, or does she really think Chris likes her?

It’s time for the cocktail party, and all the women are anxious except Kelsey. She giggles and says, “I’m not nervous.” She’s just awful. It’s hard to make a widow that hateable, but congrats, The Bachelor, you did it.

Farmer Chris finally comes out, but something’s off. He starts talking about how challenge this week has been, what with Jordan returning and Kelsey being so terrifying emotional… and then he gets choked up and excuses himself. It’s all very odd, and none of the women know what is going on. Suddenly Kelsey realizes she may not be as safe as the voices in her head told her she was. She excuses herself, too, and then—HOLY SHIT WHAT’S HAPPENING NOW? Kelsey is on the floor wailing! Too be continued!

"I'm just gonna stay here on the floor and play dead until everyone stops calling me so overdramatic."

“I’m just gonna stay here on the floor and play dead until everyone stops calling me overdramatic.”

TV Show: The Bachelor

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  • LoLa in SF

    Reading this blog makes me want to be on your couch watching TV with you. Instead of meaninglessly surfing the web.