The Bachelor RECAP: Badlands & Bad Plans (S19:E6)

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Wow! The Bachelor picks right up from last week’s cliffhanger, and it does not disappoint!

Kelsey is lying on the floor, gasping, as the medical technician ask her if she’s okay. In a sexy, breathy voice, she says, “Yes…pant pant…I’m okay...pant pant…I think I’m just having a…pant pant…panic attack.” And, of course, she wants to see Chris.

"The only cure...is a kiss from my true love...or my own season of The Bachelorette."

“The only cure…is a kiss from my true love…or my own season of The Bachelorette.”

As she gasps almost orgasmically, the other girls are hip to her shit. They’re having none of it. Especially as Kelsey—in her weakened, faint, panic-stricken state—blathers on about THE ROSE.

When Chris comes out, Kelsey says she’s “overwhelmed.” She nods at herself as she’s talking, as if hypnotically trying to make you nod along in agreement. She lays her freak-out on Chris, saying, “I had a panic attack because I didn’t know you would bring up our conversation.” How could you treat a poor widow so, Chris?! Damn, this girl is good. Scary good. Emphasis on scary.

She regains her health and returns to the group. In a painful psycho housewife voice, she tries to tell the other women that they shouldn’t be upset when she is the winner. Is she that delusional or is she just the devil? Maybe both.

Kelsey's Mask

Kelsey’s Mask

Kelsey Truth

Kelsey Truth

FINALLY we get to the Rose Ceremony. Already safe are Dirty Britt, Karaoke Carly, and Squeaky Whitney. The first person called is “Let’s Test the Bed” Jade. Next is my favorite Fun-But-Slutty Kaitlin, then Ditzy Megan the Makeup Artist. Then it’s the two virgins, Boring Becca and KardAshley.

Now the camera pans over to THE LAST ROSE. Kelsey tells the other girls—Silent Samatha and Teen Mom McKenzie—they “should be worried.”

Will it be the creepy widow who may be a murderer?

Or the one obsessed with alien abductions and yet still isn’t the craziest option?

Or the one with zero personality, which usually isn’t considered a good thing, but under the circumstances totally is?

Oh my God, I can’t believe it!!! The Rose goes to Kelsey.

This is Samantha. We've never had any reason to use her picture before now, and never will again.

This is Samantha. We’ve never had any reason to use this picture before now, and never will again.

If you thought Ashley S. was crazy, she ain’t got nothing on Black Widow Kelsey. Ashley was just loopy; Kelsey is FOCUSED. She acts to all the other women as if she and Chris are in a deep, intimate, bonded relationship—but we the viewers have seen nothing but Kelsey’s delusions. She’s like a Dynasty character, living in her own personal high-stakes drama!

We cut back to Farmer Chris, showering (of course). He tells us, “I’m not looking for drama, I’m looking for wife. And that’s why we’re heading to Deadwood, South Dakota.” Well, OBVIOUSLY. Chris tells us Deadwood is the perfect place to either fall in love or get shot in the back. Careful, Chris, or Kelsey might take that as an invitation.

Karaoke Carly (doing Chris Harrison’s job) lets us know that this week there is a group date, a one-on-one, and the dreaded two-on-one.

The one-on-one is first, and Boring Becca gets the honors. This should be riveting TV. Chris tells us she’s the only girl he has not snogged yet. He’s a charmer, that Chris. But it’s all cool, he assures us, if and when and whether they get to play tonsil hockey. It’s not like he doesn’t have a whole harem of hungry mouths back at the homestead.

We’re not done using this gif. Not by a long shot.

Chris introduces his horses, and how did they get his horses to South Dakota? He helps Becca mount her steed and mentions how smoking hot she looks riding that big beast.

He's got a better shot at getting to second base with the horse.

He’s got a better shot at getting to second base with the horse.

Becca and Chris are both sweet goobers. There’s not much to report; they are both nice and a little corny, and such is the date. Chris says this is “easily the most real date” he’s been on, and Becca says she feels “safe” and she’s “never felt this way before.” Awww… it’s trite and nothing we haven’t seen on any of the other one-on-ones, but these two numbskulls kinda seem right together.

Becca & Chris May have a bright future.

They just go together.

But who cares about that—let’s get back to the crazy drama at the Deadwood Pad!!

Karaoke Carly is questioning how Crazy Kelsey gets away with being so crazy and creepy and evil, when speak of the devil, there she is, in her crazy leopard scarf and everything. She asks, “What’s happening?” and Squeaky Whitney decider to tell her what’s happening. Whitney calls her out for laughing like a psychotic maniac during the pre-rose ceremony. Kelsey denies, but Carly collaborates.

It’s two on one because Fun-But-Slutty Kaitlin is pretty much too cool to get involved. Yeah, she’s kind of awesome.

Karaoke Carly pretty much tells Crazy Kelsey that she’s a bitch and everyone thinks she’s going to kill someone with an axe someday, if she hasn’t already. Kelsey feigns humility and express her admiration for the other women. It’s doesn’t help her sound less crazy. Cut to the confession booth: Kelsey says she’s blessed, she’s eloquent, and she “uses big words because I’m smart.” Sez you, ya froot loop! And besides, she says, the other women are just JEALOUS. Spoken like to true crazy TV reality show bitch.

Wardrobe by The Golden Girls.

Wardrobe by The Golden Girls.

The two-on-one date pits Crazy Kelsey against KardAshley! Hell yeah, bring it. The producers are finally earning their paychecks! But before that, we have to go through a group date with all the leftovers.

So the group date is six girls: Ditzy Megan, Karaoke Carly, Dirty Britt, Fun Kaitlin, Bedtime Jade, and Squeaky Whitney. Since they’re stuck in Hicksville, what else can they do but write some country music together? Out come Big & Rich, who are a country music duo of moderate renown, and they’re here to help each woman write and perform a song to tell Farmer Chris how they feel about him.

Fortunately for everyone, alcohol is involved.

Fortunately for everyone, alcohol is involved.

Megan’s from Nashville, which ipso facto gives her a leg up, and Carly’s a professional cruise ship singer, so she’s happy as a clam. Jade… is hating life right now. Big (presumably, but maybe Rich for all I know) makes Jade run down the street in high heels to loosen her up, because nothing makes you feel more relaxed and let get your energy flowing.

"I'm famous, wanna date me instead? No? Okay then."

“I’m famous, wanna date me instead? No? Okay then.”

Everybody sings, including Chris, who’s the worst of the bunch. But he’s pretty adorable about it, and I sincerely hope he does not wind up with a psycho killer. Kaitlin raps, because she’s awesome like that, and she’s not gonna play by your rules. Carly proves that she’s got pipes with a song called “Look at Me Looking at You,” and Kaitlin, being the coolest girl on the show, says looking at Carly and Chris at that moment “she was in love for them.”

"Looking at you looking at Britt looking at K

“Looking at you looking at Britt looking at Kaitlin looking at Jade looking at…”

Just when everyone’s feel all exposed and raw after pouring their hearts into a song and embarrassing themselves by singing it in public, Chris doesn’t the gentlemanly thing: he picks his favorite and quietly runs away with her. The other women are shocked when they’re suddenly stuck on the outside of a Big & Rich concert while Chris and Britt are having fun inside—and dancing on stage. Yikes, and I thought Chris’s singing was bad. Britt’s good on stage, though. She’s nice, but she’s so not going to live in Iowa.

THE BACHELOR RECAP: Badlands & Bad Plans (S19:E6)

“Yay, making out in public! My favorite!”

After the concert, Britt (with a Rose) returns to face the shitstorm. Even cool Kaitlin is upset, and the other women are in tears. At this point in the show, it really does suck because they really are being fucked with, on purpose, by the producers, and no doubt the hurt is genuine. But that’s what you signed up for, ladies. Such as life in this JOURNEY TO LOVE!

Okay, enough of the chicks we might actually like and feel sympathy for. Let’s get to the two-on-one with Kelsey and KardAshley!

And it’s not just the audience that hates these two; Chris confesses to the camera that he is soooooo over them both. Whatever, Chris, this date isn’t about you. Let’s bring on the crazy!

The date is something the Joker might have dreamed up to torture Batman. Chris, Ashley, and Kelsey are helicoptered to a barren field containing exactly one (1) bed. And that’s it.

"If these cameras weren't on, I could totally kill you and bury you out here, and no one would ever find your body."

“You know, if these cameras weren’t on, I could totally kill you and bury you out here, and no one would ever find your body.”

Seconds later, each girl is at her most horrific best. Kelsey is babbling into the camera about pragmatism and strategy and God knows what else. KardAshley the “Virgin” is taking a more direct approach and trying to seduce Chris in the most sexually awkward (or awkwardly sexual?) way possible. Ouch, maybe she really is a virgin. Farmer Chris looks like a trapped rat in a maze.

And yet, is anyone not rooting for Ashley on this date? Would anyone have dreamed they’d be rooting for Ashley for anything just one week ago?

Our... hero?

Our duck-faced hero.

What follows is everything the producers could hope for. Ashley tattles to Chris about everyone hating Kelsey for being a fake, manipulative beeyotch, then Chris tattles to Kelsey about Ashley tattling on her. Everybody’s talking shit about everybody, with Kelsey calling Ashley a Kardashian with too much makeup, and KardAshley shouts, “I’m sorry I’m not from Pleasantville, I’m from 2014!” Of course she added a “firkin’,” but still, she sells it and makes it awesome.

But it’s Ashley who breaks first. She starts bawling, and Chris takes her to the side. He’s not trying to comfort her. He gives her The Talk—it’s not you, it’s me, we’re just in very different places, yadda, yadda, yadda. But she’s not going down without a fight, shouting, “And you think Brett wants the lifestyle you have to offer?” True dat, Ashley!!!But it’s too late. Off she goes.

The date is down to one-on-one, just Chris and Kelsey…

…for all of five seconds. Chris immediately goes to Kelsey and gives her the ol’ heave-ho, too! YAY, CHRIS! Send that bitch a-packin’!

Is there any chance of a wacky spinoff with these two?

Is there any chance of a wacky spinoff with these two?

The best moment is all the women in the house cheering as Kelsey grabs her bags. I share your joy, ladies! My faith in The Bachelor is restored!

TV Show: The Bachelor

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