The Bachelor: Prince Farming's Kingdom

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Farmer Chris takes the six surviving contestants home to Iowa to see what life is really like in middle America. It’s part 1 of a double shot of The Bachelor this week


 

Welcome to a special two-part episode of The Bachelor. We know its special because host Chris Harrison actually shows up to do his job! In an interview preamble to the main event, Harrison sits down with Black Widow Psycho Kelsey (who actually has on a really pretty dress so maybe the backlash re:her scarf fetish finally got to her).

Harrison wants to know if she thinks she’s smarter than the other women. Kelsey says no, she was just being flippant about being brilliant and eloquent and shit. She totally would have “ameliorated” that comment if anyone had asked her about it, and those other stupid bitches are welcome to look that word up when they get their stupid, slutty asses booted off the show too.

Kelsey isn’t eloquent; she just hits her T’s really hard. She’s managed to squeeze out a sixteenth minute of fame with this post mortem interview, so good for her—but now it’s goodbye forever, you lunatic.

"My story is beautiful and tragic and amazing, damn it!"

“My story is beautiful and tragic and amazing, damn it!”

Next, Farmer Chris joins Host Chris for some flashbacks from Crazy Ashley on the zombie date and some behind-the-scenes where she thought there was a betting ring going on. Now THIS is the kind of crazy we like! You are still in our hearts, Crazy Ashley!

We review the drunken ladies, Tara and Jordan. We revisit the lack of chemistry with Jillian the Barbarian. Farmer Chris tells us the hardest the hardest to let go was Juelia, the blonde “original widow.” Here, have some more highlights from that Jimmy Kimmel threesome with Kaitlin. Then Andi Dorfman, the previous Bachelorette, comes on and cries. It did not last between her and Josh. Maybe she should throw herself in the mix this season for a second shot at Farmer Chris?

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Sorry, Andi. You lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

At last, on to the show! Farmer Chris meets up with the remaining seven women: Karaoke Carly, Cool Kaitlin, Boring Becca, Britt The Stinky Hugger, Squeaky Whitney, Ditzy Megan, and Jade the Porn-voiced Bed Tester. The women cheer him for sending home Crazy Kelsey and KardAshley! Then, Chris steals Megan away for a chat. If you have forgotten who Megan is, don’t feel bad; I have, too. Oh yeah, she had the very first one-on-one date, and I think she’s a makeup artist, which is probably code for porn.

"I'm a Makeup Artist/Cosmetics Developer"

“I’m a Makeup Artist/Cosmetics Developer”

Chris tells Megan she is “amazing” (are you still collecting, Jimmy Kimmel?) but other relationships are moving on and he doesn’t see it happening with her. Chris has a certain lack of tact, but we’ll generously assume it’s because he’s also being sincere. Bye-bye, Megan.

Down to six women. Kaitlin wonders if Megan’s departure will spare them a rose ceremony, but Host Chris comes in and tells them no such luck. Then, Farmer Chris comes back and says, “Nuh-uh, I don’t have to do what you say, you’re not my real dad!!” There will be NO rose ceremony this round.

And he’s got another BIG announcement! The gang is going IOWA! Everyone’s dream vacation spot! Yippee!

Is this heaven? No, it's... really, really not.

Is this heaven? No, it’s Iowa really, really not. 

The ladies lose their shit. You’d have thought that Chris announced he was taking them all to Bora-Bora the way these ladies reacted. The mayor of Des Moines couldn’t even muster this level of excitement about his hometown if the NFL announced the next Super Bowl was being held there, which they wouldn’t, because it’s in fucking Iowa.

The first date card arrives, and it’s a one-on-one for Jade.

Farmer Chris talks to his cows (I am not kidding you at all) about how excited he is for his date. He brings Jade from Des Moines to his house in Arlington. It’s pretty cute, but Jade is not impressed. Chris tells Jade that land is his “passion,” and she says it’s “cool” because what else can you say when someone says land is their passion?

You can tell she is freaking out as Chris introduces her to his livestock. This is Patches, this is Mittens, this is Timothy… He even offers to name one after her. She say, and I quote, “Nah.” Then, Chris takes Jade on his motorcycle to “downtown,” which is basically a desolate ghost town, and Jade is understandably shaken. She just keeps saying “that’s cool” like a scared/broken doll.

"And we'll live here together forever and ever and ever."

“And we’ll live here together forever and ever and ever.”

Chris takes Jade to a football game at his old high school and then on a tour of the high school itself. Soooooo fun. How quickly would she have received an “emergency” phone call or suddenly remembered she had to pick her mother up from the airport if this had been a non-televised date? If they had cabs in Arlington, Iowa, she’d probably be wondering what the fare back to L.A. would be.

It's the same place Peaked-in-High-School Rob Lowe takes all his dates

It’s just like the time she dated Peaked-in-High-School Rob Lowe

As they sit Chris’s old English classroom, Jade lets on that she has a big secret. Hmm, she also claims to be in the “makeup” biz, so I’m sticking with porn. But no secrets are revealed yet; Chris is much more interested in making out. Which they do. Big surprise. Then, they head back out to the game, and the crowd chants “Kiss Chris!” More smooching.

Chris shows Jade how he passed

Chris totally makes the “English class? More like French” joke.

Jade says she’s falling in love with Chris, and she tells Chris that Arlington is enough for her. Awww. But what about this secret? No sense burdening Chris with that just now. Instead, Jade spills the beans to Karaoke Carly that she modeled the nude for Playboy. Did I call it or what. Carly’s reaction? “Hey, mom, don’t Google my wife!”

Back at the Iowa Renaissance Hotel in Des Moines, Jade is retelling her date to the girls and Britt the Dirty Hugger starts crying. As Britt explains that she’s jealous of the Jade’s hometown date because it is gives a real insight to what life would be like with Chris, it’s not hard to see her point. So all the other women decided to take a road trip to Arlington to check it out. Sadly, everything is closed. But then Karaoke Carly spies into a church and sees a framed picture of Caucasian Jesus, just like the one she grew up with! Yay! It’s not such an alien world after all.

Welcome to your new home if you win, Britt.

Welcome to your new home if you win, Britt.

When they get back to the hotel, Britt tells Jade that she really liked Arlington. Carly calls Britt fake because Britt said she couldn’t see herself living there. And that’s the perfect cue to announce the group date with Britt, Carly and Kaitlin.

Carly decides she can’t stand how fake Britt is and she’s just got to say something to Chris. But when Carly tattles about Britt saying she couldn’t see herself living in Arlington, Chris seems to take it in stride.

The quartet winds up at a bar, and Britt coos and gushes at Chris. He asks her how she felt about Arlington, and she says she was freaked out at first but then it got “really pretty” and she loved it. Chris says that they could make a beautiful life together. Is Britt being fake or just flaky and delusional? We know what Carly thinks, but I think it’s the latter. In this bubble of reality TV hot air balloon dates and private concerts, of course every moment with Chris feels magical. Would her feelings last ten minutes after the cameras turned off? HELL NO! Cool Kaitlin gets it right, saying, “Britt is lying to herself.”

It ain't just a river in Egypt.

It ain’t just a river in Egypt.

When Kaitlin gets some face time with Chris, she says she’s frustrated. Chris gives her ol’ “trust what we have” speech, but he backs it up with a rose. Three cheers for Kaitlin! She’s still far and away my fave.

When Kaitlin rejoins the group with rose in hand, the others all have major sourpuss faces going. Britt cracks her knuckles, then gives Chris a guilt trip for giving Kaitlin the rose. Good thinking, that’s the way to a man’s heart. She lays it on thick, saying she’s not sure if she wants to stick around if she’s not the first choice. Props to Chris for shutting her down, saying this isn’t an appropriate conversation to have just now. Britt is acting like she’s the only one going through this, and it’s showing how self-centered she really is. Carly is excited for Chris to get to see Britt being real.

Real.

And yet her makeup never smudges.

Next up is Chris’s date with Squeaky Whitney, so grab your remotes and keep your finger on the volume. They tour “the big city,” a.k.a. Des Moines, including a trip to a museum to see a photo exhibit about the history of Iowa. You might want to keep a finger on the fast forward, too.

 If only her voice was this pretty

If only her voice was this pretty

They go around the city and take their own pictures, plus a lot of making out. Chris says everything with Whitney feels natural and genuine, which is something he’s said about her before. It’s doubly impressive that things can feel so “real” when he’s essentially talking to a cartoon character. At dinner, they’re joined by three of Chris’s buddies. They dive right in and ask Whitney if she’s in love with Chris. She doesn’t say yes, but she says all the right things.

They quiz her on her background, and Whitney explains that she doesn’t have any parents. Her mother passed away, and she doesn’t have any relationship with her father. She actually seems cool and tough as she explains her situation, instead of whiny like Kelsey or Juelia.

Chris has a surprise in store for Whitney. Someone has painted one of the selfies they took that afternoon of the two of them kissing, and guess what—boom, Whitney’s in love! She can pinpoint the moment she fell in love, and it was right then!

Back at the hotel, Carly is joyously telling Jade, Becca, and Whitney about Britt’s in-front-of Chris meltdown on the group date. They are all so excited to be vindicated. Carly says that even if she goes home, it will be in peace because Chris has seen Britt’s true colors. TO BE CONTINUED!!!

TV Show: The Bachelor

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