Awesome Pick-Up Artist Moves From An Actual Hot Human Woman (Video)

Awesome Pick-Up Artist Moves From An Actual Hot Human Woman (Video)

Now if you know anything about the nature of this site (pop-culturey, feministy little sister to Wonkette) you may expect me to troll pickup artists (PUAs) in this post. But! That is not what I am going to do! Instead, I shall offer my own take on pickup artistry. I really think I could teach a kickass PUA class and help my gentleman students score with excellent babes. But I am busy with work and stuff, so I do not have the time (I am teaching writing classes, though! Online! Take them! Okay, plug over.)

Here, then, are some hot tips for picking up hot babes like me. They are assembled from my lifetime of observing dudes pick up chicks, being picked up, and also from picking up a few chicks myself, although I mostly pick up dudes!

Make eye contact
This one is very important. Look into her eyes. Don’t be a close talker or anything annoying like that. Just make eye contact when you talk to her. Don’t look at her boobs when you speak with her. Speaking as someone with great boobs, I can tell you I got bored a long time ago with guys staring at my boobs during a conversation. Eye contact, however – now that’s something unusual and sexy. Look into the windows of her very soul. Don’t forget to blink on occasion, lest people suspect you of being an alien.

Be nice
Do not neg her. I’ve been negged several times and never fucked any of the losers who tried it. We know what negging is. We do not like negging. Negging is dumb and it’s an obvious, well-publicized PUA move. You know what’s not a well-known PUA move? Being fucking nice. Don’t be a pushover; don’t let people take advantage of you; don’t be weak. Be nice.

For more on being nice, listen to Patrick Swayze’s Dalton in this wonderful scene from the greatest Swayze film of all time.

Ask how her day was and genuinely give a shit about the response
Ask how her day was, then comment on what she says. Listen to what she says next. Say something else. Congratulations! You’re having a conversation with a PWPBNAHAV (Person Who Probably But Not Always Has A Vagina). If you’re bored, why the fuck are you wasting your time and hers talking to her? Politely move on and find someone who actually intrigues you. If no woman intrigues you, you’re probably a latent homosexual with misogyny issues or a severe narcissist. In both cases, you should be going to a therapist rather than reading this article. Alternate option: fuck off.

Compliment what she does, not how she looks
I’m not telling you to ignore her beauty. Of course women love to hear that we have great eyes, great hair, blah blah blah. What I’m telling you is that complimenting her work ethic, her parking technique, her shot-guzzling prowess or the way she talks to people — that shit’s gonna get you a lot farther. We’re all used to being evaluated based on how we look. We’re not used to being evaluated based on who we are. Make an effort to find out who she is. If you like what you discover, tell her so.

Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em
If she doesn’t want to fuck you, she may not tell you outright. It is generally considered rude to announce such a thing upon first meeting someone at a TGI Friday’s. You’re going to have to use your smarts. She’ll turn away from you, ignore you, look desperately around for a way out of your conversation, make an excuse to go to the bathroom, pretend she has a phone call, etc. If you think you’re getting somewhere and you get nowhere, it’s nobody’s fault (unless you’ve been gross, in which case it is definitely your fault). Perhaps this coupling just wasn’t meant to be. That’s fine. You tried. Move on and don’t be a stupid baby about it. Hold your head high and smile. Remember, your worth is not determined by whether or not you throw it up in some lady. Your worth is determined by whether or not you are a good person. Are you a good person? Consider this before attempting to make the nay-nay with anybody else. If you find yourself lacking in the good person department, go to therapy.

Expect nothing
This may blow your mind, but it’s the most important element of my PUA plan. Expect nothing. Not just because she owes you nothing. Not just because your desire alone does not merit a blowjob. Expect nothing because expecting nothing is the best way to get something. Don’t think, “I’m not worth it. I shouldn’t expect anything.” No no no no no. Think, “I’m great with or without a partner tonight/this week/ever. Now, being fully confident in my own awesomeness, I release any tension and resolve to simply enjoy the moment.” Free yourself of expectations. Put your desire out into the universe and then let it go. This is some Yoda shit right here, and I’m telling you it works far better than keeping score in your mind (or on your blog, or whatever). Plus, in truth, there’s no surefire way to get a woman to do anything. You know why? Because a woman is a human being, and human beings have free will. I know, it’s annoying, but that’s how God/random chance made it happen. Take it up with God/random chance if you don’t like it.

I just basically gave you the keys to the kingdom. You’re welcome, fellas. Feel free to try these tips out and let me know how it all works!

Oh, and one more thing: wear deodorant. That’s really imporant, too.

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  • Mahousu

    You should probably specify that “deodorant” does not include Axe body spray. That is more along the lines of “odorant.”

    • TheBrett

      I remember an article I read a while back where a female writer lathered it on herself for an experiment, after hearing about how boys at her teenage sons’ school were using tons of it. Apparently it did smell really good – to women in their thirties and up, who kept complimenting her on how good she smelled. No idea why.

    • glasspusher

      The overly scented are often not self-aware.

  • Daniel Krause

    I coulda saved all that money and JUST ASKED A WOMAN? Damn! Plus, I gotta throw out my Axe body spray too.

  • Sensory_Homunculus

    You write REAL good! How was your day?

    • sarabenincasa

      See! You get it!

      • Sensory_Homunculus

        Fail on the eye contact part, I checked out your bewbz.

        • WA Bishop

          But you did it while she wasn’t looking, right?

  • TheBrett

    Definitely yes on that last one. Keep in mind that even if you’re an attractive, charming person in general, that doesn’t mean that any particular woman wants to date you at that particular time. That’s why you go on multiple dates with multiple people to find compatibility.

  • BMW

    I know what some guys reading this are probably thinking, and while it is true that some girls don’t respond to nice guys, you’re probably better off not trying to pick them up in the first place.

    • sarabenincasa

      Yup. This is about getting good people together with other good people.

  • mrFawkes

    I be good pickup artist. I can draw a chevy half ton real good.

  • franks_television

    The problem here is that for any of this to work you also need to have likeable qualities. That’s where I always run into issues.

    • glasspusher

      I would think your low self image would be more of a problem. Chin up, soldier!

      • franks_television

        It’s a vicious circle type deal.

  • When I was 18, I stumbled across “The Game” and quickly became obsessed. Even went as far to invest in a course about picking up women, and by invest I mean torrent it. Already having a collection of fuzzy hats, I was set. Striking up conversations was terrifying at first, but it helped build up my confidence. Things went well on several different occasions, but it always felt disingenuous. It felt icky to act like this jerk, and to basically put on this act. And it all focused towards satisfying your own needs while treating human emotions as something that can be played with, that can be tweaked in your own selfish favor. I wouldn’t trade what I learned from a psychological and confidence-building standpoint, but I would trade the pain that came from putting on such an act and being so selfish. You don’t have to be an asshole, you don’t have to pretend you’re cooler than you actually are, and you sure as hell don’t have to show off with fancy purchases. Far too many invest in what’s on the outside than what’s on the inside. Just be real, honest, and genuinely give a shit about other people. It’ll go a long way.

    • sarabenincasa

      Thank you for weighing in, Mike!

  • Doug Erickson

    i’m a dull, arrogant fug and BACK IN MY DAY (gramps) i picked up fine* ladies using techniques very similar to this.*my definition of “fine” was negotiable. not in the way you think! i found just TALKING to a woman about the usual bs — mocking bar patrons, sharing terrible bar stories, letting her fill the conversation with amusing asides of her own — led to these women seeming fine, very fine indeed, because while a great pair of tits is nice, “fine” requires a certain spark you can only understand by TALKING TO, not AT, someone. “hot” becomes “fuckable” when you actually try to foster a connection, and SHOCK! it works both ways.the women with the hot bodies you can’t connect with? why sleep with them? if you need trophies, go buy some creepy comic book figures or something — they have all the qualities you apparently desire.

  • WIDTAP

    “wear deodorant”Sure, and it’s the guys who have the unreasonable expectations.

  • Also, after reading this comment thread, it’s come to my attention that wearing Axe body spray is not okay. My family keeps buying me the dark temptations around holidays (it kinda smells like chocolate), and I actually like the smell of it. I also like the smell of patchouli, so my sense of smell cannot be trusted.

    • privacy2112

      There are good chocolate-note colognes out there for guys! The Perfumed Court has a couple of fairly inexpensive sampler packs, for example: one, two. (They are illustrated with pictures of chocolate truffles, but they are actually selling tiny little sample vials of cologne.)The main problem with Axe is that it’s a strong, musky scent, and people often apply way, way too much of it. (This is also the main problem people have with patchouli — bad associations with people reeking of it. I like the smell of patchouli too; it’s just that a little goes a long way.)

  • FlownOver

    Appreciate the effort, Sara, but most of the guys (including F.Over) will react mostly as if it had read “BlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlah great boobs BlahBlahBlahBlah.” This is probably because so many of us fail the “good person” test to start with.

    • seitz

      Well, in our defense, she does have great boobs.

    • WA Bishop

      You forgot, “blahblahblahblahblah picked up a few chicks myself blahblahblahblahblah.”

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    When does it become okay to ogle the boobs?Is that after the making eye contact and being nice (e.g. “May I please ogle your boobs?”)?

    • sarabenincasa

      Ogle the boobs when she’s not looking, duh.

  • BigRedDog

    Okay. I think I’m following what your saying. But when you say “parking technique” you really mean ass, right?

    • glasspusher

      Parking in the rear (so to speak).

  • borninatrailer

    I became hopelessly distracted after you mentioned picking up chicks.Thankfully, even though I am without game, as an extremely married dude I don’t need this.

  • AmericanFirst73

    You left out the number one rule of picking up women: get a puppy! Duh… Bring it to the bar, take it to work mixers, wear it on your head. When it gets too old, just replace it via one of the many puppy rental services in your area. That’s the only way she’ll truly know that you’re a nice person.

    • sarabenincasa

      This is actually really very true.

      • AmericanFirst73

        I live in Silverlake near the dog park, or as I like to call it, “Caligula’s pre-party”. The sexual tension in that place is so thick you can’t even see who’s leg you’re humping.

  • elpinche

    I was wondering why “Hey, nice vagina” never worked.

  • privacy2112

    Also, too, shower before applying the deodorant.

    • Ambignostic

      But I need my body’s natural oils for protection!

  • Deleted

    This post was deleted.

    • glasspusher

      Huh? Oh, really…very cool.

  • Señor Skwerl

    Okay, seriously it has been a long time since I have had a problem picking up women. In fact I can no longer walk into a bar without having some woman chatting me up, fuck if I truly know why. But I think Sara has hit the nail on the head. I think the thing that helps me the most is when I talk to women I am initially not trying to pick them up and genuinely give a shit about what they have to say. Who cares if they want to sex you up, they are an interesting human and a wonderful way to kill time over a few beers. So my advice is get worldly wise, be able to converse on a wide variety of topics and genuinely give a shit about what they have to say. Also, about that deodorant thing… I stopped in to the pub sweaty and my face covered in coal dust… I still don’t know what she saw in me. Must have been hormones. Chika-chicka boom-boom.

  • (((0gham)))

    Boring people need love too. If she’s hot but boring, it’s still okay to pretend she’s interesting.Hot boring people get laid all the time, and it isn’t because they finally found someone who is interested in what they have to say.

    • glasspusher

      Nobody invites a bad looking idiot to their hotel room.

      • (((0gham)))

        Shit, for that matter nobody invites a bad looking genius to their hotel room either.

        • eboe thrasher

          Ahh, but that’s the wonderful thing about attraction is that everyone has a different view of what’s “bad looking”.

  • AncienReggie

    Sarah, I tell you frankly: You are so hot.

    • glasspusher

      Line forms behind me.

  • glasspusher

    Thanks for the tips, Sara! Where were you in 1985?

  • So, sending dick pics is not on the list? I’VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG!

  • Rick Hill

    I’ve been trying the “never fail” method of completely ignoring other women are sexual beings because I love my wife technique for years now. So far it’s managed to never get me intimate with a woman who was not my wife.( I didn’t just double negative my way into an affair, did I) My wife? For her I use the Gomez Adams school of passion, act like an overwhelmed fool technique thing. Mrs Hill is a happy( and laughing) woman.

  • eboe thrasher

    Beginning to think that therapy must be at the top of my list… cause I can’t seem to do the whole usual “Go to a bar and meet people” thing. So I function through the online medium. Seems like I might be cutting off my arm to spite my nose. However, I didn’t really need that arm since I seemed to have given up on playing guitar the past few years anyway…

  • LarryHoudini

    ALSO: DON’T ASK ABOUT SQUIRTING.

    • wagnerfilm

      Aw man!

  • marindenver

    I think this is really good advice Sara. I’m totally out of the dating scene, my husband of 42 years died 2 years ago of pancreatic cancer, but everything you’re talking about he used to woo me in. And I never looked back for a second (and, as he used to day, I’ve got a “great rack” too) and we raised 4 great kids who, almost all, have great relationships too. Yes, people are different but we all have the same basic needs and just treating your SO (whether same or opposite sex) like another human being instead of someone who’s out to get you reaps a lot of rewards in the end.

  • The_Wardle

    Dammit! It worked too well and I messed up’n got married!

  • pootboy

    any female that describes *herself*, in her own headline, as an “actual hot woman”, and is so proud for having thunked up, all by herself, such “awesome moves” as wearing deodorant and asking how her day was(WTF?), that it requires immortalizing in print, is not the kind of scintillating brain-trust i would EVER bother trying to pick up, no matter how low-cut her top is that she doesn’t want anybody to look at. this particular man is a “human being with free will” too– the will to not listen to some narcissistic kardashian-wave “feminist’s” condescending blather, no matter how much i feel like getting laid.