Author: Ryan Lohner

VIDEO: Crash (2004)

Ryan reviews Crash, one of the worst movies to ever win the Best Picture Oscar. Brought to you by former Facts of Life writer Paul Haggis, Crash is the movie that dares to say racism is bad, while teaching us all to be better people through laughter, tears, and Sandra Bullock.

VIDEO: The Golden Compass (2007)

Ryan hosts another episode of the Movie Skewer to look at The Golden Compass, based on a novel near and dear to him. New Line scrubbed away the book’s anti-Christian themes when they adapted it into a movie, along with all traces of anything dark or disturbing. Watch as Ryan examines the end result: a bland movie-by-committee where nothing is at stake.

VIDEO: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic “Over a Barrel”

Ryan risks the wrath of the Bronies by taking on the show known to many as the scourge of the internet, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Despite being outside the target demographic (or is he?), Ryan keeps an open mind as he watches the adventures of six magical talking ponies in the land of Equestria, in one of the show’s weaker outings, “Over a Barrel”, a misguided attempt to teach kids about the horrors of Manifest Destiny—only, this trail of tears is not covered in tears, but apple pies!

VIDEO: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “H.A.T.E.”

“In his continuing quest for Saturday Morning Glory, Ryan watches Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Not the ‘80s series, but the 2003 Nickelodeon version that was more faithful to the original Turtles comics. But as the third season episode ‘H.A.T.E.’ proves, being more faithful isn’t always a good thing. In a story lifted from Vol. 1, Issue 12, the Turtles go up against an inept pseudo-militia group intent on nuking New York City. Meanwhile, the writers accidentally (one assumes) drop in a sitcom plot where April deals with her visiting mother-in-law. Wacky hijinks—and attempted genocide—ensue!”

VIDEO: Delgo (2008)

Delgo is the trite tale of two species battling for control of their generic fantasyland and the star-crossed lovers (voiced by Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt) caught in the middle, featuring cheap CGI, endless clichés, and terrible comic relief courtesy of an exceptionally irritating Chris Kattan. If you missed this one in theaters (and odds are very, very good that you did), here’s your chance to find out if it’s as bad as its domestic gross suggests!”

VIDEO: Mister T “Mission of Mercy”

“We’ve already covered eight episodes of Mister T on this site, but none of them approach the insanity of ‘Mission of Mercy’, where T and the gang travel to Africa to recover a stolen food shipment meant for starving children. Lives will be saved, tears will be shed, and desert creatures will be eaten, as Mr. T punches famine right in the face!”

VIDEO: The Batman “Q&A”

“In this episode, Ryan covers The Batman, a lighter, younger, more merchandise-oriented incarnation of the Caped Crusader, featuring vastly ‘reimagined’ versions of Batman’s villains. In the season one episode ‘Q&A’, Batman faces off against the Cluemaster, a subpar Riddler clone who’s been redesigned to be even more useless than he was in the comics.”

VIDEO: Spider-Man “Rocket Racer”

“Hey, kids, remember when Ryan wrote about ‘The Spot’, the second-worst episode of Spider-Man, the cartoon that ran on FOX Kids back in the ‘90s? Well, you’re in luck, because this time around, he looks at the worst episode of the series, ‘Rocket Racer’!“In it, a whiny kid gets his hands on a rocket-powered skateboard and decides to turn to a life of crime, but ends up being too much of a pussy to follow through on it. Eventually, he helps Spider-Man defeat his lamest villain ever, a guy riding around in a giant wheel. Featuring the voices of big names like Mark Hamill, Telma Hopkins, and, um, C.B. Barnes, ‘Rocket Racer’ is an episode you won’t forget… for at least two, maybe three minutes.”