Cecil kicks off 2013 with another video game adaptation! This time, it’s the Jean-Claude Van Damme classic Street Fighter, also starring Ming-Na Wen as Chun-Li, Kylie Minogue as Cammy, and Raul Julia as M. Bison in one of his final roles.
Author: Cecil Trachenburg
This week, Cecil gets serious again to talk about John Frankenheimer’s extremely under-appreciated action crime thriller Reindeer Games starring Ben Affleck, Gary Sinise, and Charlize Theron. And stay tuned after the review for a reading of the classic holiday poem “‘Twas the Flick Before Christmas”!
We Wish You a Turtle Christmas is the purest combination of both terrible and awesome. A direct-to-video holiday special where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sing Christmas songs about pizza and… other things, it’s one of the greatest Christmas specials ever.
While normal people are watching It’s a Wonderful Life around this time of year, Cecil is enjoying bad VHS horror like Iced, a slasher about guys in broken ski masks killing people in a timeshare cabin.
Cecil looks at Suburban Commando, another cheesy relic of the ’90s, starring Hulk Hogan as an alien mercenary who comes to Earth for vacation and rents a room from Christopher Lloyd and Shelley Duvall, and soon they find out that space bounty hunters are after him. If you like Hulk Hogan movies with random appearances by mimes and cantaloupes, this is the movie for you!
It’s the bizarre cult classic The Apple, a gay sci-fi biblical musical allegory directed by the future producer of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. It’s the far-flung year of 1994, where society is ruled by a fascist, totalitarian record label called BIM, and the only ones who can liberate humanity are two virginal folk singers from Canada.
Any description we put here is going to be overshadowed by the fact that this movie has a classically trained actor playing a one-legged cyborg with an electric penis.
With Silent Hill: Revelation 3D currently in theaters, Cecil takes a look back at the first film, and explains in great detail why it’s one of his all-time favorites.
A look at the sci-fi horror comedy that oozes ’80s goodness.
Melting Astronauts! Bad detective work! Crackers!
Endless Descent, also known as The Rift, is a sci-fi horror film knockoff of movies like The Abyss and Leviathan. It’s from J.P. Simon, the notorious director of Pieces… who else?
A group of the oldest college kids you’ve ever seen (including ’80s scream queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer) break into a bowling alley to steal a trophy. Little do they know that the trophy is the home of a wisecracking imp who spends the rest of the night trying to kill them.
Here’s Cecil’s take on Judge Dredd, the 1995 movie adapted from a British comic, starring Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Rob Schneider, and Diane Lane.
In some ways, this movie could be classified as a Women in Prison revenge movie… except, there’s very little prison… and not too much revenge!
In what must surely be the greatest film ever about BMX racing, Cru Jones is a young biker who dreams of winning a race at the infamous Helltrack. Along the way, he earns the scorn of his mom Talia Shire, does freestyle bike stunt dancing with Lori Loughlin, and gets to do all the ass-sliding a boy could ever want.
In the distant future of 1996, a biker named Harley Davidson (Mickey Rourke) and a cowboy named the Marlboro Man (Don Johnson) team up to rob a bank’s armored car, but instead end up with a huge stash of a designer drug called “Crystal Dream”. Now they’re on the run from a corrupt, criminal, murderous bank CEO, also known as “a bank CEO”.
Fatal Games, AKA Olympic Horror, made to cash in on the 1984 Summer Olympics, features a killer who puts an end to the dreams of a bunch of Olympic hopefuls using his weapon of choice, a javelin.
The movie is filled with over the top acting, silly dialogue, CGI dragon battles, and Marlon Wayans. It’s often considered one of the worst movies ever made, but Cecil thinks it’s nothing but awesome.
Nicolas Cage famously goes apeshit in 2006’s The Wicker Man, the godawful remake of the 1973 horror classic. Cage is a cop who travels to Summersisle, an island with a matriarchal society that worships bees. He investigates the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend’s daughter, and somehow ends up wearing a bear suit and punching women out.
Cecil reviews another of his favorite post-apocalyptic flicks, a cheesy Franco-Italian cash-in on Escape from New York. After a nuclear war, the entire human race is rendered sterile. It’s up to a mercenary named Parsifal (not a typo) to infiltrate the ruins of New York City and find the last fertile woman on earth.