A group of the oldest college kids you’ve ever seen (including ’80s scream queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer) break into a bowling alley to steal a trophy. Little do they know that the trophy is the home of a wisecracking imp who spends the rest of the night trying to kill them.
Author: Cecil Trachenburg
Here’s Cecil’s take on Judge Dredd, the 1995 movie adapted from a British comic, starring Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Rob Schneider, and Diane Lane.
In some ways, this movie could be classified as a Women in Prison revenge movie… except, there’s very little prison… and not too much revenge!
In what must surely be the greatest film ever about BMX racing, Cru Jones is a young biker who dreams of winning a race at the infamous Helltrack. Along the way, he earns the scorn of his mom Talia Shire, does freestyle bike stunt dancing with Lori Loughlin, and gets to do all the ass-sliding a boy could ever want.
In the distant future of 1996, a biker named Harley Davidson (Mickey Rourke) and a cowboy named the Marlboro Man (Don Johnson) team up to rob a bank’s armored car, but instead end up with a huge stash of a designer drug called “Crystal Dream”. Now they’re on the run from a corrupt, criminal, murderous bank CEO, also known as “a bank CEO”.
Fatal Games, AKA Olympic Horror, made to cash in on the 1984 Summer Olympics, features a killer who puts an end to the dreams of a bunch of Olympic hopefuls using his weapon of choice, a javelin.
The movie is filled with over the top acting, silly dialogue, CGI dragon battles, and Marlon Wayans. It’s often considered one of the worst movies ever made, but Cecil thinks it’s nothing but awesome.
Nicolas Cage famously goes apeshit in 2006’s The Wicker Man, the godawful remake of the 1973 horror classic. Cage is a cop who travels to Summersisle, an island with a matriarchal society that worships bees. He investigates the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend’s daughter, and somehow ends up wearing a bear suit and punching women out.
Cecil reviews another of his favorite post-apocalyptic flicks, a cheesy Franco-Italian cash-in on Escape from New York. After a nuclear war, the entire human race is rendered sterile. It’s up to a mercenary named Parsifal (not a typo) to infiltrate the ruins of New York City and find the last fertile woman on earth.
The Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is on a remote planet trying to woo an alien princess and become king, but a less-than-elite team of space marines arrives to stop him. With plenty of homages to Alien and Aliens, this movie is ridiculously over the top, but what were you expecting from the title?
After a centuries-long war between humans and vampires, the Church has assumed total control of humanity, with “priests” that are actually elite vampire slayers. Paul Bettany is a veteran priest living an unassuming life, but when vampires kidnap his niece (Lily Collins), he goes to hunt them down, bringing along Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, and plenty of cool weapons.
A fun summer blockbuster with lots of action and tons of explosions that even has a good story! What more do you want?
From the director of Snakes on a Plane, this movie follows a group of college kids (including Sara Paxton and Katharine McPhee, who fortunately spend most of the move in bikinis, but unfortunately never less than that, because this movie is PG-13) as they go on the perfect vacation, only to find out they’re being fed to sharks by a group of rednecks intent on making awesome internet videos!
Based on the video game of the same name, it’s a film with a risky concept: Gather four hot women (Holly Valance, Devon Aoki, Sarah Carter, Jaime Pressly), put them in as little clothes as possible, and have them fight each other! Luckily for Cecil, the concept works, making for one of the best video game adaptations ever.
It’s one of Cecil’s favorite slasher films ever, starring Christopher and Lynda Day George, “Bruce Le” [sic], and the kid from Pod People tracking down a serial killer who’s dismembering coeds to create a jigsaw puzzle made from body parts. Whoever the killer might be, one thing’s for sure: he’s a real bastard. Bastard!! BASTARD!!
Loosely based on the arcade game of the same name, Double Dragon stars Party of Five‘s Scott Wolf and future Iron Chef host Mark Dacascos as two interracial brothers living in post-apocalyptic Los Angeles in the far-flung year of 2007. With the help of Alyssa Milano, they protect one-half of an ancient Chinese talisman from falling into the hands of crime lord Robert Patrick, who will stop at nothing to reassemble the medallion and gain absolute power.
Watch as the Spice Girls revive a kid from a coma, help deliver a baby, encounter aliens, and talk various celebrities who all should have known better (including Elton John, Bob Hoskins, Elvis Costello, and Hugh Laurie) into making cameos!
Starring a 17 year old Angelina Jolie in her first-ever lead role, Cyborg 2 takes place in a future where the world is ruled by corporations, who use espionage cyborgs loaded with explosives to assassinate key targets. Angelina is destined to get blowed up good, but she learns her fate and goes on the run with Casey Jones from TMNT, while being pursued by a mostly off-screen Jack Palance.
The mentally challenged guy from L.A. Law is the doctor from hell! He escapes from a mental hospital to get his revenge on the local teens, and kills loads of people using things like: a thermometer, a giant band-aid, and a blood pressure cuff! Get it? ‘Cause he’s a doctor!
Cecil brings us the tale of a mad scientist who kidnaps three tourists and creates a “human centipede” by stitching together their… well, unless you’ve been living on Mars for the past few years, you already know what this movie’s about.