Author: Cecil Trachenburg

VIDEO: Rad (1986)

In what must surely be the greatest film ever about BMX racing, Cru Jones is a young biker who dreams of winning a race at the infamous Helltrack. Along the way, he earns the scorn of his mom Talia Shire, does freestyle bike stunt dancing with Lori Loughlin, and gets to do all the ass-sliding a boy could ever want. 

VIDEO: Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991)

In the distant future of 1996, a biker named Harley Davidson (Mickey Rourke) and a cowboy named the Marlboro Man (Don Johnson) team up to rob a bank’s armored car, but instead end up with a huge stash of a designer drug called “Crystal Dream”. Now they’re on the run from a corrupt, criminal, murderous bank CEO, also known as “a bank CEO”.

VIDEO: The Wicker Man (2006)

Nicolas Cage famously goes apeshit in 2006’s The Wicker Man, the godawful remake of the 1973 horror classic. Cage is a cop who travels to Summersisle, an island with a matriarchal society that worships bees. He investigates the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend’s daughter, and somehow ends up wearing a bear suit and punching women out.

VIDEO: Leprechaun in Space (1997)

The Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is on a remote planet trying to woo an alien princess and become king, but a less-than-elite team of space marines arrives to stop him. With plenty of homages to Alien and Aliens, this movie is ridiculously over the top, but what were you expecting from the title?

VIDEO: Priest (2011)

After a centuries-long war between humans and vampires, the Church has assumed total control of humanity, with “priests” that are actually elite vampire slayers. Paul Bettany is a veteran priest living an unassuming life, but when vampires kidnap his niece (Lily Collins), he goes to hunt them down, bringing along Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, and plenty of cool weapons.

VIDEO: Shark Night 3D (2011)

From the director of Snakes on a Plane, this movie follows a group of college kids (including Sara Paxton and Katharine McPhee, who fortunately spend most of the move in bikinis, but unfortunately never less than that, because this movie is PG-13) as they go on the perfect vacation, only to find out they’re being fed to sharks by a group of rednecks intent on making awesome internet videos!

VIDEO: DOA: Dead or Alive (2006)

Based on the video game of the same name, it’s a film with a risky concept: Gather four hot women (Holly Valance, Devon Aoki, Sarah Carter, Jaime Pressly), put them in as little clothes as possible, and have them fight each other! Luckily for Cecil, the concept works, making for one of the best video game adaptations ever.

VIDEO: Pieces (1982)

It’s one of Cecil’s favorite slasher films ever, starring Christopher and Lynda Day George, “Bruce Le” [sic], and the kid from Pod People tracking down a serial killer who’s dismembering coeds to create a jigsaw puzzle made from body parts. Whoever the killer might be, one thing’s for sure: he’s a real bastard. Bastard!! BASTARD!!

VIDEO: Double Dragon (1994)

Loosely based on the arcade game of the same name, Double Dragon stars Party of Five‘s Scott Wolf and future Iron Chef host Mark Dacascos as two interracial brothers living in post-apocalyptic Los Angeles in the far-flung year of 2007. With the help of Alyssa Milano, they protect one-half of an ancient Chinese talisman from falling into the hands of crime lord Robert Patrick, who will stop at nothing to reassemble the medallion and gain absolute power.

VIDEO: Spice World (1997)

Watch as the Spice Girls revive a kid from a coma, help deliver a baby, encounter aliens, and talk various celebrities who all should have known better (including Elton John, Bob Hoskins, Elvis Costello, and Hugh Laurie) into making cameos!

VIDEO: Cyborg 2 (1993)

Starring a 17 year old Angelina Jolie in her first-ever lead role, Cyborg 2 takes place in a future where the world is ruled by corporations, who use espionage cyborgs loaded with explosives to assassinate key targets. Angelina is destined to get blowed up good, but she learns her fate and goes on the run with Casey Jones from TMNT, while being pursued by a mostly off-screen Jack Palance.

VIDEO: Dr. Giggles (1992)

The mentally challenged guy from L.A. Law is the doctor from hell! He escapes from a mental hospital to get his revenge on the local teens, and kills loads of people using things like: a thermometer, a giant band-aid, and a blood pressure cuff! Get it? ‘Cause he’s a doctor!