Apr 17, 2018
Are You Afraid of the Dark? “The Tale of the Final Wish” (part 1 of 2)
I effing loved this one when I was a kid, mostly because it had a certain Mr. Bobcat Goldthwait as the villain. As a wee girl, I was kind of obsessed with the Police Academy movies, so much so that I used to host little mini-marathons. Unsurprisingly, I was usually the only one in attendance, save for my favorite stuffed animals. Later, Cheer Bear and the rest of the Care Bears would begin to make excuses not to attend my Policy Academy parties, so, you know…
This time around, it’s Kristen’s night to tell the story. Kristen (Rachel Blanchard!) is all dressed up in this very cute Renaissance Faire-type outfit. In a few years, she could probably cut the skirt short and use it as a sexy ale wench costume for Halloween (or “dress like a ho day”, as it is sometimes called).
Kristen is reading some seriously disturbing shizz from an old book of fairy tales, a story involving some kind of fairy tale vampirism that is decidedly un-sparkly and un-sexy.
Of course, Frank acts like kind of a douche about this, examining the book and saying that “a kiddie story is still a kiddie story.” Two things: first, Frank, what the hell kind of stories did your parents used to tell you? And, second, you’re never going to get into Kristen’s panties if you keep treating her like crap.
Hmm, actually, depending upon the state of Kristen’s self worth, maybe that is the way to get her to like you. I mean, she’s already dressing like a ho.
Kristen tells us that her story is about a girl who’s obsessed with fairy tales, and has a hard time telling fantasy from reality. Which is when a fairy tale… can sometimes become… a scary tale! Bum bum bum!
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We start with thirteen year old Jill waking up from a lame nightmare about the evil queen from Snow White. It had something to do with the evil queen looking pretty, then suddenly turning old and ugly. Because as we all know, old women are terrifying.
Jill wakes up and tries to take a drink of water, but finds her glass empty. So she decides to take a trip to the kitchen. She struggles to push aside her gigantic yellow nightgown (I know it’s supposed to look princess-y, but mostly it just looks like a muumuu) and get out of bed.
But it seems Jill is super paranoid, and thinks there might be something lurking under the bed. Like an old woman, perhaps. So Jill grabs the baseball bat next to her bed and investigates.
She doesn’t find anything under her bed, but I do think it’s sort of badass that she would try to kill an imaginary monster with a baseball bat. I’m also left wondering why a fairy tale-obsessed tween would even keep a bat by her bed, but hey, whatever.
Jill gets her water, then starts to go back to bed, at which point two hands grab her ankles from under the bed! Aaaaahhhh!!
Jill runs off to her parents’ room, screaming that there’s something in her room. Her mom and dad are total uncaring douchebags about the whole thing, but grudgingly get out of bed to go take a look. And when they get to her room, Jill’s Dad even pretends to be pulled underneath the bed by the monster, scaring the crap out of his daughter. Asshole.
Then Jill’s brother comes in, and after the ‘rents leave, he tells Jill that he was the one that grabbed her. He says that maybe she wouldn’t be so scared if she’d only grow up a little and stop obsessing so much over her fairy tales and unicorns and shit. He suggests other activities, like listening to the radio or going to a concert. I suggest he kiss my ass.
If something grabbed me from underneath the bed, I would totally pee my pants. Does that make me a big baby? I don’t think so. And Cheer Bear totally agrees with me.
The next morning, Jill’s family keeps treating her like crap. She spends an inordinate amount of time in front of a mirror trying to look mature, and ends up missing the bus. Her mom bitches about having to drive Jill to school and be late for work, telling Jill that the family won’t “put up” with her immaturity for much longer. Whatever, Mom, you’re a skank.
At school, Jill goes to the library and finds an old book called The Sandman and Other Tales. Will this be important later, I wonder?
She then catches her friends staring at a guy in acid-washed denim, remarking that they’re being “pretty obvious” and acting like “a couple of silly gooses.” Her friends act bitchy over the “silly gooses” comment, then get all jealous when the hot guy comes over and flirts with Jill instead of them.
Jill’s friends try to embarrass her by showing off Jill’s fairy tale books and troll doll, but the guy is actually kind of into it. Nevertheless, Jill is still humiliated, and she storms off.
Ugh. Jill, your friends are bitches.
So now that we’ve established that everybody treats Jill like a piece of crap, it’s time for the real shizznit to go down. That night, after Jill’s stupid-ass brother tries to scare her again, she goes postal on him and screams at him to just leave her alone.
She then holds The Sandman and Other Tales to her chest, looks out the window at a bright star, and wishes she could live in a world of fairy tales where everyone would just leave her alone.
The next morning, she wakes up and finds that her house is empty. Given what jerks she has in her immediate family, this doesn’t seem like such a bad thing to me, but Jill is still weirded out. She wanders around the house, looking for her family, and finally she checks under the bed for her obnoxious little brother. She pulls up the bed skirt and instead finds—
Jill hauls ass out of there, and who can blame her? I love Bobcat Goldthwait, but I would so run away if I woke up with my family missing and a twitchy middle-aged guy hiding under my bed. Yikes!