Mar 31, 2015
Are You Afraid of the Dark? “The Tale of the Long-Ago Locket” (part 2 of 2)
Jimmy asks Colonial Guy what year it is, and CG replies that it’s 1780, which I guess is supposed to be surprising or something? I don’t know. I think it’s pretty obvious, what with all the British soldiers, isn’t it?
The Redcoats catch up to Jimmy and CG (that’s what they get for standing around yakking), and so they split up as to have a better chance of getting away. As he runs off, CG begs Jimmy not to forget his promise to get him to Harrisville. Jimmy makes a break for it, wandering onto the very modern road behind the park, where he nearly gets run over by an equally modern Mack truck.
But he still has the knife, so he can’t be crazy! Which means it’s time for another trip to KFC.
The Northern Colonel Sanders says the knife is in great condition. He looks at the inscription and finds that it belonged to a guy named Lieutenant William. And then the Colonel loans Jimmy a history book so he can find out more about the lieutenant. Because knowledge is power!
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At school, instead of paying attention during history class, Jimmy reads about Lt. William. He learns that William was ultimately captured by the Brits and hung from a tree before he could get to Harrisville to profess his love to the fair Emmaline. Oh noes!
Jimmy leaps to his feet and tells the teacher he needs to be excused immediately to go help a friend, but the teacher scoffs at this and tells Jimmy that his friend can wait. Normally, I would have an issue with her dismissive tone, but she is technically right about this one. I mean, the guy died two hundred years ago, so I don’t really see what the rush is.
At least Jimmy’s outburst has one positive outcome: April seems curious and concerned about Jimmy’s situation, which gets him that much closer to some kind of pity date!
After school, April and the Douche-Flairer guy meet up with Jimmy, and the guy is carrying a boombox for no apparent reason, though I seem to recall that’s something people randomly did in the ‘90s.
Jimmy tells them about Lieutenant William, Emmaline, and the Redcoats, and how he needs to find a way to save William’s life so he can get to Harrisville. Jimmy asks to borrow Douche-Flairer’s boombox, and we finally find out his name is Josh. Hi, Josh.
Josh thinks Jimmy has lost his mind, but he hands over the boombox anyway. Jimmy then heads into the woods and finds CG (AKA Lt. William) tied to a tree by the Redcoats, who are preparing to hang him. Jimmy distracts them by turning the boombox up really loud. They leave Lieutenant William alone while they go off to investigate the source of generic ‘90s rock, and Jimmy takes the opportunity to begin untying him.
When they find the boombox, the Brits aren’t all that impressed. Instead, the leader calls this more proof that the colonialists are a bunch of “barbarians”. Damn, boomboxes were already uncool in the 1780s!
Jimmy and Lt. William haul ass, with the Redcoats in hot pursuit. Jimmy tells Lt. William how to get to Harrisville, and William takes his sweet time advising Jimmy not to make the same mistakes he did with Emmaline. He says Jimmy should tell April that he loves her. Jimmy’s all, “Yeah, okay, now GTFO while I distract them!”
The two run off in separate directions. The Brits come after Jimmy, with the lead Redcoat closing in on horseback. Just then, April shows up and walks right into the path of the rampaging British ghost-horse. Jimmy screams (again) and runs to save her. He knocks her out of the way of the horse, and the two land safely (and sexily) on the ground.
Jimmy screams for the rider to leave them alone, but then he finds out it’s not a bayonet-wielding dude with an English accent, but rather the pretty brunette horseback rider from the episode “The Tale of the Hungry Hounds” (recap coming soon!). Kinda neat, right? Way to tie shit together.
Jimmy asks April why she’s here in the woods, and April says that she was really worried about Jimmy, because she really cares about him. Jimmy admits that he really cares about April, too, and he tells her that he… likes her a lot. Awww….
He wonders aloud about the fate of Lt. William, then looks down at the knife just as (cue magical wind-howling sound effect) the inscription of “Lt. William” changes to “Capt. William”. Looks like he survived, after all!
April takes the whole “ghost knife magically changing before her eyes” thing in stride and is only mildly amazed. I guess she would have been more impressed by better CGI, but dammit, we’re on a budget here, okay, April? Yeesh.
Then Jimmy looks down and finds the Lieutenant’s locket. He opens it up and sees portraits of William and Emmaline painted inside. Why does Emmaline have a bad case of smash-face and/or look like the real-life cat woman? And why does William look like a twelve-year-old hobbit girl?
Jimmy gives the locket to April as a token of his affection, which April happily accepts.
In voiceover, Sam explains that Jimmy and April went on their first date that night. Afterward, Jimmy checked the history book and found that the paragraph about William being executed had changed to say that William married Emmaline, got promoted to Captain, and lived happily ever after. And also, thanks to the Butterfly Effect, Hitler won the war. The end.
“As for Jimmy and April,” says Sam, “I’ll let you figure that one out for yourselves.” Does everything have to be about doing the nasty, Sam? Honestly.
Cut back to the campfire, where Kiki admits that history can be interesting, after all. Frank also grudgingly admits that history can be cool. He then tells Sam that he has two tickets to the “Phantasmagoria” concert, and if she wants to go, she’s more than welcome.
Sam says she’s already going to the concert, just not with Frank. Instead, she’s planning to go with Betty Ann and Gary. So Frank can just go home and jerk it while Gary shows up like a pimp with two pretty girls on his arms.
You got served, Frank!
Tucker teases Frank about being a dateless asshole, and runs off as Frank tries to bash his head in, leaving Kiki alone to put out the fire.
The moral of this story? History is awesome, especially when there are ghosts and eBay-able items involved. Bonus points if you can roll around in the mud with your crush!