Let’s All Bet On The American Music Awards, Why Not

Let's All Bet On The American Music Awards, Why Not

Are we all super pumped up for the American Music Awards, which we’re going to refer to by their super-cool acronym AMA? You betcha! Who doesn’t count down the days to a minor music awards show that just lets everyone vote on already-megawatt-star artists simply by mashing a button on the computer? This is the mob rule of music award shows, people. This is the Harry Reid tyrannies all over the minority of music award shows. Get happy! You’re probably running around your room in unbridled excitement like Richard Simmons.

This Sunday at 8 pm Eastern, all your dreams can finally come true when you learn whether Justin Timberlake is the best male pop artist, the best male soul/R&B artist, or just the bestest artist of all. You could cut the tension with a knife. Only you can make JT’s dream of world domination come true. Well, actually, you’re too late for that, because voting’s closed. You let Justin Timberlake down, America. Oh, who are we kidding. The inexplicably popular Macklemore and Ryan Lewis will sweep, and then we will get to fight all over again about whether they’re rap (they’re kinda not, you guys) or history’s greatest monsters for co-opting rap music (they’re totes co-opting, even though they sorta fail at it, but we say nay on the greatest monster tag, because we love the Rolling Stones and all they did is lift from their favorite black artists, people).

Below, our incisive, well-reasoned picks – and by that we mean “arbitrary decisions on three hours of sleep” – in every category, including the ones where we have no idea who these people are.

ARTIST OF THE YEAR

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Bruno Mars
Rihanna
Taylor Swift
Justin Timberlake

We told you this already. It’s going to be Macklemore, and then you’ll have to hear that Thrift Shop song on the radio everywhere all over again.

It will be like the Groundhog Day of music. In another year, JT would have swept this thing with one crystal clear falsetto note, but he turned in a record this year that a lot of people found a bit flat. We do not agree with this because we quite liked the 20/20 Experience, thankyewverymuch, because we understand how critical mid-tempo disco is to the musical canon. You people are philistines, America.

NEW ARTIST OF THE YEAR

Florida Georgia Line
Ariana Grande
Imagine Dragons
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
Phillip Phillips

WE TOLD YOU ALREADY IT IS GOING TO BE MACKLEMORE. Also, too, we have to stick with that pick because the only other people we know on this list are Imagine Dragons and yeesh.

SINGLE OF THE YEAR

Florida Georgia Line Featuring Nelly/Cruise
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Featuring Wanz/Thrift Shop
Robin Thicke Featuring Pharrell & T.I./Blurred Lines

Sorry, Florida Georgia Line. You will fall into the abyss of Nobody Cares, Baby, while Thrift Shop and Blurred Lines slug it out. This one could be tight. We’re rooting for Blurred Lines, even though it means we will have to have one million twitter fights about the video all over again.

We quite like the video! Sorry not sorry! The only thing we do not love about the video is that Robin Thicke is reaaalllllyy starting to look like his dad Alan, and no one is going to want to watch him doing the sexy songs for much longer.

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST – POP/ROCK

Bruno Mars
Robin Thicke
Justin Timberlake

WHITE BOY R&B FIGHT Y’ALL!!! In this corner, the reigning champ, JT, with a decade of hits behind him. In this corner, Robin Thicke, with 5+ years of hits behind him, so it isn’t exactly like he’s an underdog. This is more like two wrestling fan favorites facing off. We’d like to see JT take this one, if for no other reason that Suit and Tie is kinda the jam and he looks sharp in the video.

FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST – POP/ROCK

P!nk
Rihanna
Taylor Swift

Please just don’t let it be Taylor Swift. We won’t cry if it is Rihanna, but we have mad love for P!nk on account of the time we saw her and she performed entire songs while doing complicated aerial work way above the stage.

Seriously, that is core muscles for days and days and days. Is she lip syncing here? Who gives a fuck?

FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP – POP/ROCK

Imagine Dragons
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
One Direction

Yawn. Macklemore if 20somethings took to their computers, One Direction if tweens got there en masse instead.

FAVORITE ALBUM – POP/ROCK

One Direction/Take Me Home
Taylor Swift/Red
Justin Timberlake/The 20/20 Experience

We’ve made our JT love clear, but it will probably be Taylor Swift and that will be time for a nice mid-show nap.

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST – COUNTRY

Luke Bryan
Hunter Hayes
Blake Shelton

No. Fucking. Clue. Let’s go with Blake Shelton. He’s the dude on The Voice, right? Sure. That guy.

FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST – COUNTRY

Miranda Lambert
Taylor Swift
Carrie Underwood

It will be Taylor Swift. It should be Miranda Lambert because her debut single years ago was the kickass anti-domestic violence anthem that country needed, even though instead country embraced the wacky anti-domestic violence anthem of the Dixie Chicks. WE ARE NOT INSULTING THE DIXIE CHICKS WE LOVE THEM but this Miranda Lambert song was about just stone cold laying in wait to kill the guy that hit you and that is fucking country.

FAVORITE BAND, DUO or GROUP – COUNTRY

The Band Perry
Florida Georgia Line
Lady Antebellum

The chance we know or care about this approaches absolute zero.

FAVORITE ALBUM – COUNTRY

Luke Bryan/Crash My Party
Florida Georgia Line/Here’s To The Good Times
Taylor Swift/Red

See above, though here we’re guessing Swift pulls it off because you know her 14-year-old fans voted on this thing like crazy.

FAVORITE ARTIST – RAP/HIP-HOP

Jay Z
Lil Wayne
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Fucking Macklemore. Any other year, Jay Z, but Holy Grail was kinda weak. It’s kind of a problem when your guest vocalist shows up to sing the hook on your single and just murders the thing while you spit the most generic rhymes imaginable.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AIdXisPqHc

FAVORITE ALBUM – RAP/HIP-HOP

Jay Z/Magna Carta…Holy Grail
Kendrick Lamar/good kid, m.A.A.d city
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis/The Heist

Blargh. Macklemore, but Kendrick should run away with it. Good Kid would have been the best record of 2012 but it had the misfortune to drop the same year Frank Ocean released his magnum opus.

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST – SOUL/R&B

Miguel
Robin Thicke
Justin Timberlake

Same odds as above. Thicke and Timberlake go head-to-head and everyone forgets about Miguel even though he kills it on the Janelle Monae record.

FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST – SOUL/R&B

Ciara
Alicia Keys
Rihanna

Meh. Keys and Rihanna are great, but there’s no big excitement surrounding either of them right now in terms of a new release, so just pick someone arbitrary for us because we’re getting tired.

FAVORITE ALBUM – SOUL/R&B

Rihanna/Unapologetic
Robin Thicke/Blurred Lines
Justin Timberlake/The 20/20 Experience

Blurred Lines. For real.

FAVORITE ARTIST – ALTERNATIVE ROCK

Imagine Dragons
The Lumineers
Mumford & Sons

Oh god this is like a race to the bottom. Who do we hate the least? The fifth-rate Coldplay bombast of Imagine Dragons? The dudebro folksiness of the Lumineers? The incessant speed-banjoing of Mumford?

We’re going with Imagine Dragons because their young fanbase will get to the phones in droves.

FAVORITE ARTIST – ADULT CONTEMPORARY

Maroon 5
Bruno Mars
P!nk

All we care about here is Adam Levine’s Maroon 5 NOT winning it because that dude is not sexy. No, really. Don’t go blaming us if you watch the Moves Like Jagger video at that link. Consider yourself warned: watching Adam Levine try to be like Mick Jagger will throw you off your personal sexy game for weeks.

FAVORITE ARTIST – LATIN

Marc Anthony
Prince Royce
Romeo Santos

We are ashamed to say we have no idea. Is Marc Anthony the gay one or the one that used to be married to J-Lo? Oh, which reminds us. There’s some sort of nonsense promo called “Get Jennifer There” where you faux-interact with some videos to help Jennifer Lopez choose her action-packed route to the AMAs. There does not seem to be an option to not get her there, which seems unfair.

FAVORITE ARTIST – CONTEMPORARY INSPIRATIONAL

tobyMac
Chris Tomlin
Matthew West

Do you know who these people are? We do not.

FAVORITE ARTIST – ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC (EDM)

Avicii
Daft Punk
Calvin Harris
Zedd

This category is a weird genre clash of “do people dance to it sorta? Sure, whatevs.” Let’s just all say a prayer that it is Daft Punk, shall we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX9BBgBmJ9U

TOP SOUNDTRACK

The Great Gatsby: Music From Baz Luhrmann’s Film
Les Miserables
Pitch Perfect

We have no idea who will win, but we will take this opportunity to defend the Gatsby soundtrack because it was opulent and over-the-top and totally made sense in a Baz Luhrmann movie.

There you have it. You can now waste your Sunday evening watching the AMAs, but you will feel totally empowered and well-informed while you do. Thank us later.

You may also like...

  • msanthropesmr

    I’d rather watch/bet on cockroach racing.

  • I mostly don’t know who these people are, but in that last category Pitch Perfect wins because of Anna Kendrick and those cups.

  • Farb

    I’ll bet for the umpteenth time in a row they do not award the Can Carry a Tune trophy. However, there is talk about beginning a Worry the Note to Death award. Lotsa candidates for that one. And the possible, Belch Out Meaningful Lyrics over Three Chords award!

  • Farb

    AND THE WINNER IZZZZzzzzzzz: Das Bluz! for their CD, Can’t Nobody Stop this Here Bleeding?